A Dream of Light
by DemonicBallerina
Summary: What if Zero hadn't had Yuki by his side during those painful years after Shizuka's attack? Just as his struggles as a Level D vampire are becoming too difficult to bear, the pureblood, Yuki Kuran, shows up to complicate things just that little bit more.
1. When you want to live, how do you start

**Disclaimer: Vampire Knight belongs to Matsuri Hino. I don't claim to have come up with the chapter titles myself, either. They are borrowed from song lyrics, I'll put the credit at the end of each chapter.**

**A/N: I feel as though I should apologise for being so terrible at coming up with story titles... Oh, well... This is a little story that I've been working on for a while now. I wasn't originally going to post it on here, but I found myself becoming quite attached to it and now I'm curious to see if anyone else would like it. There are a few points I'd like to make before you start reading... First off, it will probably be quite obvious that this is AU. Because of changes I've made to the characters' backgrounds I think that they might come off as a little OOC – Yuki especially and Zero too. I've tried my best to justify those changes, though, and I've tried to keep them as in character as possible, given their circumstances, so hopefully, no one will mind too much. To be honest, this story is mostly just an excuse for me to express my absolute obsession with sad vampire boys and also for writing practice. But I hope other people will like it too. The story is in Yuki's point of view to start with, but I'll put Zero's point of view in more as the story goes on.**

**Please don't judge this opening chapter too harshly. I've written about five versions of it and I just couldn't get it right. In the end I decided that it wasn't important enough to fuss over so much. It's only really there to give some idea of Yuki's background and that sort of thing.**

**Okay, I'll let you get on with reading now...**

* * *

_And when you want to live, how do you start?_

The wind was sharp and cold against Yuki's unprotected hands and legs. It turned the tip of her nose to ice and blew her hair wildly about her face, yet she barely noticed it. Had anyone been looking they might have thought her a ghost in her billowing white dress. But no one was; she was alone. She moved as if in a trance, placing one foot lightly in front of the other, not feeling that the grass was soft and wet and cold against her bare skin. Her shoes lay forgotten at the doorway of her old life.

She walked until she reached the wall. There, as if purely by instinct (for some quiet part of her knew better than to think at this stage) her legs bent and, with a powerful leap, she reached the top of the high wall. As she dropped down to the other side, it occurred to her to pick up speed and she began to move swiftly between the trees. She forced herself not to look back.

That was when she always woke up.

* * *

Yuki's dreams weren't usually so vivid. In fact, most of her dreams were no more interesting than her real life – they would be forgotten instantly; why should she bother remembering something so incredibly dull, anyway? But... sometimes there were dreams of adventures, of faraway lands, of friendships. And she clung to them as if her very life depended on those images of forests and meadows, mountains, cities... They were everything she had ever desired and to dream of them seemed the closest she could possibly come to really feeling what it was like to be out there, in the real world. But like all dreams, as her eyelids opened and reality began to pull her back into its suffocating embrace, those treasured images would begin to slip through her delicate fingers. She did what she could to hold onto them, and could sometimes lie in bed for hours after she had woken, holding on to that imagined feeling of freedom – but it never lasted.

This dream was different.

It had filled her mind almost entirely in the last few months. It was impossible to forget. And it had returned to her so many times... always so vivid...

Yuki lived with her brother, Kaname. The only others were the servants and a few trusted friends who came and went. Her feelings for her brother were mixed: love, admiration… envy… resentment… The last two only reared their ugly heads at times of extreme stress, usually caused by his overprotective manner. She longed to see the world, really see it, not just from behind the tinted glass of a limo, as she travelled to another ball or party. She wanted to know what the stars looked like in a place where no other lights could hide them. She wanted to feel snow crunch beneath her feet, to stand under a cherry tree as it rained blossom in the wind. She wanted to laugh as the petals caught in her hair. She couldn't, she wasn't allowed.

Her existence had only been known to the world for a few years now and it was in that time that she had come to develop this desire to escape. Watching everyone else come and go with complete freedom was what did it. All her life she had watched her older brother with adoring eyes as he did what he pleased while she stayed at home, surrounded by love, but locked up and under constant supervision. She never questioned it; she would be able to go out when she was older.

But she was older now and had anything really changed? Though she was allowed her privacy at home, any rare trip to the outside world (usually to other mansions similar to the one she was imprisoned in) was conducted under the same maddening supervision she had endured as a child. She was suddenly introduced to other people living lives that were nothing like her own. She realised her imprisonment was not normal. She began to ask questions, but her brother, though her pain saddened him greatly, would not budge on the subject. She was the 'Pureblood Princess', apparently that meant something.

Every endless day was the same, with no chance of change. The monotony wore on her...

* * *

The first time she had the dream she had felt guilty. It was all well and good to wish for adventures, to want to see all of the places she had read about in books, but to dream of actually running away from home seemed wrong somehow. She knew Kaname would be hurt if he found out. She didn't want that.

But every time the dream returned to her she became a little more obsessed. It had felt so real; she wanted to recall that feeling always. Freedom: how wondrous it would be to know it for the first time. It was worse on the nights after she had had the dream, when she refused to leave her bed, wanting to keep the tiniest details of the wind and the trees in her mind. But there were other times too, when she would space out while eating or some other mundane task and imagine herself packing her bags and stepping out of the front door, or wondering where she would go.

But she knew she wasn't brave enough to really leave – the world was too big, to hurt Kaname like that would be too awful.

She often wondered if he knew what she was thinking about. That made her feel guilty, but it was too much to forget about. She kept dreaming and dreaming until it became too much to hide.

Kaname had, in fact, known from the beginning that something was wrong. Yuki always denied it, but she had become so absent minded... he knew she was hiding something. When he tasted it in her blood – saw the dreams for himself – that was when Kaname knew he could not ignore the situation any longer.

He arranged for Yuki to have some time away from home. He was sending her to stay with Headmaster Kaien Cross, an old friend of his. She would stay with him at Cross Academy for a few months. Though she would not attend classes (after so many years spent in darkness to spend whole days in the sunlight would most likely be too big a change for Yuki) she would have the opportunity to meet other people and there would be large grounds for her to explore in safety. He hoped that this would be enough to keep her safe while giving her some of the freedom she craved.

Yuki could barely contain her excitement.

* * *

The sun was just beginning to set as she left the Kuran Manor behind, this time in the back of a car and taking with her a suitcase and Kaname's blessing. Kaname was unable to come with her at this time because he had business to attend to elsewhere, but he had assured her that he would come to see how she settled in after a few days.

She felt both loneliness and excitement as she sat in the back seat by herself. The light through the windows of the car reminded her of another journey she had taken with Kaname. How the delicate countryside had flickered past in the same way as they drove. She had pressed her face against the windowpane as she watched, wishing she could melt through the glass and float off through the trees. She had let out a soft breath and drew a heart with her finger on the glass. In the distance, framed by her dusty breath, she had watched a bird floating, black against the pink glow of the evening sky. She had told Kaname that she wished she could be that bird but he had simply gazed sadly at her from behind heavy lashes and said nothing.

Was this the first step in her wish coming true? Her world was expanding before her eyes, stretching out in front of her as she rose higher and higher on soft feathery wings. She felt as if she could fall at any moment, but it only added to the thrill.

She opened the window all the way and the outside air greeted her with a force that closed her sleepy eyes and swept her hair back off her face. A shy smile formed on her lips. In the yellow haze of the setting sun behind her eyelids, the world was still beautiful. She could hear birds and smell the trees. She could feel the soft, cool wind against her skin. She had dreamed of these things while trapped in her lonely, windowless room. Now, as the car carried her further from home, those dreams seemed more and more within her reach.

* * *

**A/N: Future chapters won't be quite so short. This chapter is just a sort of introduction, really. The next chapter is already written; it just needs a little editing before I post it. Oh, please review! I really want to know what you think of my little story.**

_**(chapter title from the boy with the thorn in his side – the smiths)**_


	2. Yours is the first face that I saw

_Yours is the first face that I saw..._

It was dark by the time she arrived at Cross Academy. Her eyes were wide as she took in the old moonlit buildings that would be her new home for… she didn't know how long. According to Kaname, the buildings were a former vampire hunter base and the headmaster a retired hunter himself. This information surprised Yuki, she knew next to nothing about hunters, but to her mind they didn't sound like a pleasant bunch. But, upon asking how Kaname knew such a person, he had assured her that Kaien Cross was retired for a reason. The ex-hunter strived for peace between vampires and humans and had even gone so far as to attempt to initiate a night class for vampires at his school. The idea had, unfortunately, failed to generate enough interest and had been abandoned. Yuki hadn't even known about it at the time. Now she wished she had been a few years older. If she and Kaname had been able to go, others might have followed their example. It would have been nice to have the opportunity to make friends with other vampires her age.

She blinked in surprise when the driver opened the car door for her. Lost in her own thoughts, she had forgotten about him completely. Now, she stepped out of the car tentatively. Nerves engulfed her as her feet touched the unfamiliar ground. She had thought that there would be somebody there to greet her when she arrived, but there seemed to be no one in sight. She stood by the car, wondering what she should do, until the driver handed her bag to her.

"Is there anything else I can do, Yuki-sama?"

She stared at him blankly for a few seconds, before snapping back to reality. "Oh, no! I'm fine!" She smiled brightly, "I'll just go in by myself."

But her smile faded as she turned to face the school. The path in front of her was lined with trees on either side, but as she started up it, she could make out several buildings ahead. This only served to confuse her even further as she didn't actually know which one she was supposed to go to. Now she wished she had listened to Kaname and waited until he was free to take her himself. But the prospect of the older vampire being away while she waited was not an appealing one, and so she had insisted on going right away. Well, it was too late to regret it now. She continued towards the Academy, deciding that she'd just ask the first person she saw for directions.

As she drew closer to the buildings, she suddenly realised that she wasn't alone anymore. But before she had time to figure out where the other person was, she heard a click behind her head and froze in place.

"Turn around."

The voice that sounded through the darkness was male and decidedly unfriendly. Quiet and chilling… somehow she felt it wasn't a voice to be ignored. Without thinking, Yuki did what it commanded and came face to face with the end of a large silver gun. She couldn't stop herself from taking an instinctual step back.

"Don't move," he snapped.

She did what she was told, but her gaze shifted to face of the one issuing those cold, harsh commands. The boy was tall and silver haired, his handsome features distorted by a look of hatred.

This was far from the welcome she had hoped for.

"A pureblood vampire…" his voice was quiet but menacing and he held the gun steady at arms length. His eyes were locked on her, "Why are you here?"

His eyes were the colour of lavender. They were unusually light, but there was a certain darkness in them that disturbed her. It made her think of storm clouds, great black ones that obscured everything he didn't want her to see, leaving nothing visible, but anger and hatred.

"I – I'm looking for the headmaster…" her voice came out in a whisper. This had all happened too quickly for her to compose herself and she could only stare at him with wide eyes and wonder what was going on. She hastily added, "I was invited…"

After a moment, the gun lowered, but the boy seemed no more friendly than he had with it raised. _He must be a hunter_, she thought. She wished he wouldn't look at her like that. She didn't know how it was possible to hate so much. Hate was something that only crept up on her in her loneliest moments, appearing alongside memories that hurt too much to keep close to her heart. She barely knew hate, but it seemed to be radiating from this silver haired boy. It was almost visible around him and the blackness was closing in on her from all sides.

A shout cut through the tension, "Oh, Kiryu, you found her!"

Yuki looked over to see a man running towards them. His eyes were shining behind his glasses as he approached and upon reaching them he stated, "You must be Yuki," then proceeded to gush over how she looked just like her mother.

After introducing himself as Headmaster Kaien Cross, he took her bag from her and told her he had food ready for her inside, if she wanted it. It was hard to fully appreciate the warmth that the older man was showing her when she could still feel that boy glaring at her the whole time. She looked over at him now. His silvery hair fell over those stormy eyes, shielding them from view. He'd put his gun away and now, when she looked him over, she could see multiple ear piercings and a tattoo visible on his neck. He wasn't wearing his uniform properly either. She had never met a boy like him. There was one of Kaname's friends, Akatsuki Kain, who she had always thought was quite wild looking, but he was still an aristocrat, while this boy was almost feral. When asked by the headmaster whether he wanted to join them for their meal, he muttered a quiet yet brutal "no" and walked away.

"Never mind Zero," Headmaster Cross said cheerfully, apparently used to this sort of behaviour. "Come on, I'll show you where you'll be staying."

Still feeling slightly shaken, she did as she was told.

* * *

Since she wasn't actually attending the school, she was staying in a guest room in the headmaster's own private living space. He told her that since Zero, the boy from before, had moved to the dorms when he started at the school, it would be nice to have the company again. She asked about him and Kaien told her the boy was his son. Though he then went on to explain that they weren't technically related, but Headmaster Cross had been taking care of him for the four years since his parents died. A tiny "oh" escaped her lips at this information, and she thought she understood where some of that hate she had seen earlier might have come from. The headmaster looked at her with a sad smile and said, "He's very independent, and very serious for his age. I hope he didn't upset you earlier."

The question took her by surprise, "Oh, well… not really…" but she was picturing the gun in her head and wasn't sure she sounded convincing.

"Oh he's a good boy, I wouldn't worry about him," he said happily, waving the subject away with his hands.

He took her to her room then. Yuki went eagerly, thinking with much excitement_ oh, yes, this is_ _where I'll live now._ It was a strange thought, especially when, upon peering into this new room, she automatically started comparing it to her room at the Kuran Manor.

Her room at home was luxuriously furnished, with everything she had ever wanted. Her bookshelf had been entirely filled and there were more books packed away in cupboards and under her bed. Another shelf had been dedicated entirely to her favourite CDs, of which there were many, and in one corner of the room sat a much used piano. Her wardrobe was filled with beautiful and expensive dresses.

This room was different to say the least. Though not small, it was perhaps half the size of the one she had at home. There was a single bed, made up with fresh floral sheets. There were a few books on a shelf, a few pictures on the wall. A typical guest room – but Yuki loved it.

She began to feel at home immediately.

* * *

**A/N: Oh, dear, this didn't end up being longer than my last chapter at all. But I've split my chapters up in the way that I think works best, so I hope you won't mind. Thank you so much to everyone who read this and for the story alerts. I'll start editing the next chapter in a few days, but in the meantime it would be nice to have a few more reviews for this chapter :)**

_**(chapter title from first day of my life by bright eyes)**_


	3. They're gonna have to fight me

_If they want you, they're gonna have to fight me_

It was only late that night (or early the next morning) that she began to truly realise that she was free, or as close to it as she had ever been. She found herself in her new room, sat on the sill of the open window with her legs hanging over the side. She felt her spirits suddenly lift. They rose up and danced between the stars that were speckled abundantly across the sky. The gentle wind picked up her hair and enticed it to join in the dance. The feeling that everything was new and exciting spread throughout her body.

She found it was different being in a household with no other vampires. She liked the feeling of being the only one awake. The feeling of aloneness tickled her and it was not like being lonely; she had felt that at parties when surrounded by laughing strangers who pretended to adore her; or at home while waiting for Kaname to return from one of his trips. This was different… it was peaceful.

Earlier she had tiptoed through the hall in the dark and let that feeling envelope her. In the veil of darkness everything had seemed so serene and that feeling continued as she sat in the window with the breeze tickling her bare feet. She was content to sit, for night was her time and never before had she truly had the chance to experience the beauty of it.

* * *

She awoke early the next evening, before the sun had set and after a quick look around, she determined that Kaien wasn't there. She wondered if it was all right for her to leave without saying anything, but she wanted to have a chance to explore the school grounds a little while it was still light out. In the end she decided that as long as she wasn't planning to leave the academy grounds it would be okay if she just went out for an hour or so. She quickly washed and dressed and then slipped out, into the evening.

Though the sun had not fully set, it was low enough in the sky that it didn't bother her very much. She glanced up to see several fluffy, pink clouds floating above her and smiled. There weren't many students about, but a few appeared, as she got closer to where she assumed the classrooms must be. It wasn't as strange as she thought it would be to watch the young humans going about their normal lives, though this was her first time in human society. She felt as if she knew it well from the books that had often been her only companions growing up.

The Academy grounds were beautiful. Sunlight glittered through the leaves of the surrounding trees as she walked. It hurt her eyes slightly to look, but she couldn't remember ever seeing such a pretty sight. The rays would peep out one after another as she moved along, lightly, shyly, kissing her cheeks then retreating quickly to allow another ray to come forth. She drifted lazily along and shifted her gaze away from the sparkling trees. She looked up at the old building, the window shone with the light of the setting sun and the bricks had a yellow glow about them. Every now and again a group of chattering friends would emerge from the building, on their way back to their dorms, but for the most part it was quiet. She settled herself down under a tree and leaned back against the trunk. There was something so perfect about her surroundings. The gentle birdsong, that faint yellow glow from anything those last rays of sun could reach… She could hear the chatter of a group of girls. They were laughing and she smiled at the sound, but there was something sad about that smile, a hint of loneliness. Yuki had never had any girl friends, Kaname had been everything to her… and now she was leaving him.

The girls' laughter faded into the distance. She felt eyes on her and looked up. Zero Kiryu was stood near the entrance of the school, looking at her. Their eyes met and she felt the stab of his unfair hatred of her. Then he turned and walked away, towards the dorms.

Her good feeling gone, she went back to the Headmaster's house.

* * *

On the night that Kaname was due to arrive to see how she was settling in, they waited for him in the headmaster's office. He arrived exactly on time.

Yuki jumped to her feet and met him at the door, where he pulled her into his arms and held her close. "I missed you," he whispered. "It seems unthinkable that I should have to say goodbye to you once more when this night is over."

Yuki didn't know what to say. She held him tightly.

She only let go when she heard a small rattling thud behind her and she looked around to see that the headmaster had set down a tray on his desk.

"I made tea," he announced brightly.

Yuki sat down in one of the comfortable chairs placed opposite Kaien's seat and gratefully took a cup. Kaname did the same. When the headmaster had taken his, she noticed that there was a spare cup on the tray. She stared at it; surely they didn't think she was that clumsy? She pointed to it. "Who's that for?"

"Oh, I asked Kiryu to stop by," Kaien replied. He looked at a clock on the wall, "But he was never one to be punctual."

While they waited Kaname and Kaien discussed the conditions of Yuki's stay at the Academy. Yuki was relieved that the Headmaster seemed quite casual about the whole thing. It was five minutes before Zero arrived; and when he came in, Yuki thought it seemed like the temperature dropped by several degrees. As if the hatred he kept inside of himself was too much to be contained in the presence of two vampires and it had seeped through the air, turning it to ice as it went.

"Ah, Kiryu! Come and sit, there's tea here if you want some."

Yuki wasn't sure if the Headmaster was oblivious to Zero's mood or if he just chose to ignore it, but she had already realised that the silver haired boy wasn't the type to sit and have tea with those he considered his enemies and she wasn't surprised when he didn't move from the far side of the room.

"Zero, this is Kaname Kuran, Yuki's brother. Kaname, this is Zero Kiryu."

"Pleased to meet you," Kaname murmured, pleasantly. Zero only glared in response.

Kaien said, "I told you, didn't I, that I wanted you to look after Yuki while she's here?"

Yuki was glad that Zero was looking at him and not her this time, though she doubted that the anger he directed at the older man lessened the hatred he felt for her any. In fact, she suspected the reason he hadn't looked her way was because he was trying to keep himself from shooting her then and there.

"You didn't," was the boy's strained reply.

Kaien looked surprised, then sheepish. Yuki had to hand it to him, he could withstand Zero's death gaze very well. "I must have forgotten. Well, now you know. What do you say?"

There was that blackness again, coming off him in waves. When he spoke his voice was low and barely controlled, "Babysitting vampires," the word was venom on his tongue, and he spoke it like the worst insult, "is not my job."

Then Kaname spoke and Yuki, so intent on the tension in the room, had almost forgotten he was there. His voice was calm, with a hint of accusation. "And are you not a vampire yourself?"

Yuki stared at her brother and Zero in turn. "A vampire?" she repeated, astonished, as if she had never heard of such a thing.

Zero was more furious than ever, his hands were balled into tight fists at his sides as if they would like very much to be wrapped around Kaname's neck, or perhaps, more likely, squeezing a trigger. He was glaring at Kaname with unreserved hatred. Yuki had never seen anybody behave this way around her brother before, but if it bothered Kaname, he hid it well. She also noticed that, for all Zero's anger at Kaname's accusation, he wasn't denying it.

Kaien, however, simply ignored Kaname's statement and went back to the topic at hand. "Kiryu, really, you're the best person for the job. I only ask that as part of your usual prefect duties you keep an eye out to make sure Yuki doesn't get into any trouble."

A few seconds passed then Zero snapped, "Fine." His narrowed eyes shifted back to the headmaster, "I'll do it. But only because I think it's a bad idea for you to let a pureblood run freely around this place."

Before anyone could react, he was gone.

Kaien beamed at the two dark haired vampires before him, "Well, that's sorted then isn't it?"

Yuki wasn't so sure, but she said nothing. Kaname trusted the older man, so she would too.

* * *

Later that evening, after she had said her goodbyes to Kaname, she entered her room alone and could finally feel that sense of independence she had longed for. Whether or not it was true independence was another matter. For now it was simply enough.

Kaname had brought a second suitcase of her belongings and it had been left on the bed for her to unpack herself. She walked the few steps from the door to her bed and flicked open the two latches on the case. Upon pulling out a few of her belongings, she soon realised that Kaname had packed the case himself. The impeccable neatness – which Yuki had quickly messed up – was entirely like him and she noticed that every one of the dresses packed was each one of his favourites on her. He dressed her up like a doll, she thought, wanting his pureblood princess to look the part. But she felt no resentment, she found. Those small details of her life had now ceased to be symbols of her imprisonment and were now simple tokens of love. She could look upon them with fondness now that she had the freedom she wanted.

Each dress was expensive and made of the finest materials, all gifts brought back from Kaname's trips to the outside world. She didn't know what he did when he went away. She had asked in the past, but had found the answers too boring to follow. Instead she had started to ask about the journeys to the places he visited, begging for every detail of what the night air was like, how it had tasted. "Tell me about the mountains again!" she would order, "The trees! Lakes and streams! Waterfalls!" When he told her he hadn't seen any waterfalls on his journeys she would sulk, disappointed. But the rest he would tell her, every detail as poetic as in the books she buried herself in while he was away. _So it is true_, she had thought, and she wanted to see it herself even more.

But this was enough for now, a small change to begin with and who knew what the future might hold? She smiled at the familiar dresses, glad not everything had to change at once. Her smile broke into a full grin when she saw that Kaname had packed her favourite books for her. She had forgotten them in her excitement to get away and she was glad Kaname had remembered for her. She picked it up and held it to her chest. She felt a sudden rush of inexplicable joy. It made her want to dance and laugh at the most ordinary of things. Just being there was the most exciting thing in her life. She never wanted this carefree feeling to end. But end it did, and with just a simple knock at the door.

She felt a little foolish upon being snapped out of her thoughts and brought back from her own little world so suddenly. She opened the door and let Kaien in.

"You surprised me," she said, with a small smile.

He peered at her from behind his glasses. "Oh, really? I didn't mean to."

"It's okay. I was daydreaming."

She noticed from the look on the Headmaster's face that he seemed a little distracted. "Yuki, could you come with me for a moment? There's something I wanted to talk to you about."

"Yes, of course," she complied and followed the older man out of the room.

"It's about Kiryu," he told her seriously, as they both settled into chairs at the dining room table. She had come to realise that it was a rare sight to see the carefree Headmaster serious about something. She had actually forgotten about Zero for a moment and Kaien's mention of him brought all her curiosity rushing back.

"I'd been meaning to ask about him. I, uh, hadn't even realised he was a vampire," she admitted sheepishly. She felt, to put it bluntly, like a bit of an idiot. How could she not have noticed something like that?

"I don't think it's something he particularly wants people to know," Kaien sighed.

"It certainly seemed that way..." but she did not understand.

"Zero wasn't born a vampire," Kaien told her. "He was bitten four years ago, by the same pureblood that killed his family."

Yuki inhaled sharply. She instantly began to feel differently about Zero. The confusion lifted and, slowly, she began to understand. _There must be so much pain in his heart, _she thought_, I was right, you can't hate that much without it hurting._

She listened in horror as the Headmaster told her how Zero had begun the slow transformation while his mother and father died before his eyes. How they found him unconscious, blood everywhere... how he wouldn't speak for weeks afterwards. It left her in shock. How much horror had Zero experienced? And he hid it all, despite the everyday reminder: that he was now a vampire himself.

"Yuki..." Kaien spoke softly, "There is a reason that I'm telling you this. I wanted you to understand why I asked Zero to look after you when he is so... reluctant. The truth is, I think it might be good for him to spend time with you. I want him to see that not all vampires are like the one that attacked him... Is this okay with you?"

Yuki didn't even have to think about it. "Of course it is."

_Oh, Zero,_ she thought, _I don't know if there is anything I can do to take away the pain in your heart, but I promise that I'll try._

* * *

_**(chapter title from night terror by laura marling)**_


	4. Some days aren't yours at all

**A/N: Thank you so much to raina05 and Kyrou for adding this to your favourite stories. It's encouraging to see that there are people who actually like this. **

**I seem to have got into a habit in my writing lately where I get an idea then just ramble on about it. And that's what this chapter is, really... just rambling, with some semblance of a plot in there somewhere (actually, that could be said for the whole story, probably). I hope you don't mind. I think something will actually happen in the chapter after this one, so please bear with me.**

**(chapter title from somedays by regina spektor)**

* * *

_Some days aren't yours at all..._

Yuki went back to her room and sat on the bed. She slid back against the wall and curled up as small as she could make herself. Thinking about Zero was making her feel slightly sick. Not in a disgusted way, it was like her stomach felt heavy. Everything felt heavy. Those spirits that had danced amongst the stars a few nights ago had become dead-weights. But she couldn't _not_ think of him. She finally understood now, what he saw when he looked at her with those darkened lavender eyes – it was the same thing that had killed his mother and father.

She knew it would not be easy to change his mind. She had grasped that much, at least, about his character. But that first image of dark against light haunted her when she thought of him. There had been no vulnerability in that gaze... but, maybe hiding it was something he had perfected over time. That thought only horrified her more.

The thing that made it worse was that she knew what it was like to lose loved ones. She had been six when her own parents died. She knew how it felt to grieve, even at that age when she hadn't fully understood. She'd had to get used to the days repeating themselves over and over and them not being there. And there was still grief, but she had escaped from the ordeal relatively unscathed.

But Zero... what had happened in that boy's heart that night? She needed to find out. She needed to make it better.

* * *

When she finally got back to her unpacking, she couldn't even remember the happiness she had felt earlier. She picked up one dress after another, placing each one on a hanger then into her new wardrobe. When she came to the last dress, she almost didn't realise that she hadn't seen it before. It was new, a gift from Kaname... He always brought her something back when he'd been away and he had been on a trip when she left.

It was adorable, made of pale pink silk with an intricate lace collar. She held it up in front of her, fingering the smooth fabric. She watched herself in the mirror on the back of the wardrobe door.

All she'd wanted for so long had been to get away, but had her life really been so horrible? Four years ago, Zero Kiryu had lain unconscious on the floor of his home, while the last of his human blood mingled on the floor with that of his dead parents... And where had she been? Safe in the Kuran manor, with everything she could ever want or need. Had not seeing the outside world really been such a terrible price to pay for the protection she received there? The only thing that had ever been denied her was only to protect her from the same suffering that silver haired boy had endured for so long.

She put the dress away in the wardrobe and went back to her bed. She sat, hugging her knees against her chest.

What was he doing now?

How was he feeling after what had been decided earlier?

She had to put the thought from her mind. Dwelling on it would do nothing. It had been a long night, but there were still a few hours of darkness left. The night seemed to be peering in through the window. It unnerved her, somehow. She got up and closed the curtains. She would not go out tonight. She could hear the wind in the trees, the chirping of crickets, night time creatures like herself, but different...

And suddenly the world seemed so huge! It hit her, the memory of the first time she had stepped outside, the sky – how big it had been. She had realised – or perhaps Kaname had told her – it had to be that big in order to cover the whole world. But the moment had lasted only a few seconds, before she had been hurried into the car, safe. She hadn't understood and it was quickly forgotten.

But now she could see that immense sky in her mind, she could feel it around her and these rose patterned walls seemed like little protection... not from the sky itself, but from all it had witnessed. How many other Zero Kiryus were there out there? What other horrors had her kind inflicted on such innocents. She tried not to think of how her kind were not even the whole of it...

But one thought she couldn't push away was how, by opening up her little world to new things, she had let in more than she intended.

And where was Kaname now? Where were the arms of the one who had loved and protected her above all else? She had sent them away and could no longer rely on them.

She stood now, in the centre of the room, feeling panic rise up within her, a sense of being in over her head, despite having barely begun. She looked wildly about the room for something she could cling on to, to stop her sinking any further. Her eyes fell upon the book she had thrown casually on the bed before. She stumbled forwards. Her fingertips grazed the front cover and a remembered feeling began to work its way up her arm. She clutched the book in those slowly warming fingers and brought it up to her chest, breathing in its scent – so much like home.

Oh the power of a beloved book! To lose those negative thoughts entirely was impossible at this moment, but she held in her hands the gateway to another world and it gave her the power to push them away for now. She couldn't face what had just happened at this moment, she needed to escape. She sank down onto the bed and pulled the covers up around her. Then she opened the book and lost herself inside.

* * *

When she woke the next evening, she felt numb. It was strange; she remembered what happened clearly, but she could not feel it. It was almost as if she was floating slightly outside of her own body, like a balloon on a string tied to her wrist. She was aware of everything, but not fully there. She watched herself get up, get showered, get dressed and in that strange absent way she had adopted, she hoped that Kaien was around. She could do with some cheer.

But it was not he who snapped her out of it, for when she entered the kitchen in search of him, there was Zero and suddenly she was back inside her body. She looked at him with startled doe eyes, lip trembling ever so slightly, and he looked back at her. All she could think about was a made up image of a silent, bloodstained boy, a few years younger, but with those same unnerving eyes.

It was impossible to tell what he saw, looking back at her, but there was a certain tension coming from him which suggested that he knew what she was seeing at that moment, and that something in her heart had changed since he saw her last... and then the moment ended, he left without a single word and time sped up. She had not even realised that it had stopped.

It was only later that she realised that there had been no hatred in that look, perhaps he had been taken as much by surprise as she had. Only... his expression had not been devoid solely of hatred, it had been blank, empty. It disturbed her a little that he still had his guard up at times like that.

Kaien was there.

"Are you okay?"

She nodded, slowly.

There was food prepared and Kaien was smiling. She sat down.

She ate and her foggy mind began to clear, Kaien's chatter slowly enticing her back to the present.

"What was Zero doing here?" she asked.

"He was only asking about something to do with his prefect duties. Nothing important," he sighed, "It's a shame... he used to come here to eat from time to time, but lately..."

"He doesn't want to eat with me," she finished softly, eyes cast downward, lashes brushing against soft cheeks.

"Something's bothering you," he looked so horrified, it was comical. He continued fiercely, "Yuki! About what I said last night: I asked you to put up with Kiryu's rudeness, but don't think you have to carry the weight of his problems on top of that."

Yuki was touched by his concern, but she could only manage a weak smile in response. The truth was that she really wanted to help Zero, and it bothered her that she didn't know how.


	5. I know your heart is beating slow

_I know your heart is beating slow and out of time with mine_

The last time she had been outside the Academy in the dark had been the night she arrived. It seemed so long ago now, and in her excitement and nervousness the night remained a blur in her memory. Now everything seemed fresh and sharp. The air was cold on her face as she stepped out of the door.

The grounds seemed so empty now, with the students all in their dorms for the night. She forced away the looming sense of loneliness and strode forwards to explore the academy. She wandered aimlessly. The night was calm and quiet, but thinking back to that first night, it wasn't the same. She could not quite capture that serenity again and she knew it was because she had not truly overcome her feelings from last night.

Then she stepped off the path and into the trees. The night closed in on her and the world seemed suddenly smaller. She smiled in relief, at home in the darkness.

She had not been exploring for long when she heard a voice through the trees, "Hey! Stop!"

Yuki turned and looked around. It only took a second to spot the auburn haired girl that was following her. She was wearing a uniform, indicating that she was a student at the Academy. "Students aren't supposed to be out of their dorms at this time of-" the girl stopped upon getting a look at Yuki's face, "Oh... you're not a student."

Yuki stared at her for a few seconds then she grinned, happy to see a new face – especially a girl. "I'm a guest here. My name is Yuki Kuran."

The girl stared at her uncertainly. She seemed rather confused, but Yuki's friendly smile was hard to resist, "I'm Sayori Wakaba... but..."

"I guess nobody told you about me, huh? It doesn't matter, I'll explain later. It's just so good to have someone new to talk to. You can call me Yuki, by the way."

Yuki's eyes were brighter than the moon above them – Sayori couldn't help but smile back at her, "Then it's Yori."

In truth, Yuki wasn't especially adept at making friends. Kaname had always been her closest companion and everyone else that she knew had been a friend of his. Takuma Ichijo had always been especially nice to her – he was Kaname's closest friend and she always looked forward to his visits. From everyone else, though, she got the impression that they only bothered with her because of Kaname. Her tutor, Hanabusa Aido, didn't even bother to hide his frustration with her and the two often argued.

So, upon meeting Yori, she immediately seized the opportunity to make a new friend, a real friend. She wasn't sure if she would have many more chances to do so.

It turned out that Yori was a prefect along with Zero. It was her job to patrol the school and make sure no students were out of their dorms after curfew. This meant that Yori herself stayed out past curfew every night and that made her a perfect companion for Yuki.

* * *

She grew closer to Yori. She would accompany the other girl on her prefect rounds and sometimes they would talk quietly and others they would laugh in that same way she had heard that first night when she had watched the setting sun sifting like glitter through the leaves of the trees. But even through those smiles, she would think quietly to herself: has Zero ever laughed like this?

She often talked about him with Yori, asked questions; his name always halfway from her lips, always in her thoughts. He was like a code to be cracked and if she could figure it out then the dark fog veiling those eyes would lift and she would see what was inside.

Up close, he intimidated her; she hardly ever heard him speak and the only communication between the two was in those deadly looks he sent her. Even those became less frequent as he got used to her presence at the Academy. But he never warmed up to her. He did his best to ignore her, but whenever she showed up, the air around him would turn once more to ice.

Yori answered when she asked questions about him, telling her how most of their schoolmates were scared of him. They had no idea what he was, even Yori didn't know, but there was something menacing about his almost constant silence. He had no close friends, and he gave the impression that he wanted none. As a fellow prefect, Yori was closest to him, but sharing the same duties was the height of their relationship.

"I never know what to say to him," she confided in Yuki once, and there was something in her expression that seemed to confirm Yuki's worries.

Sometimes, though, after Yori had wandered sleepily back to her dorm, she would see Zero by himself on one particular balcony. What he thought up there seemed like the greatest mystery of all. He would stare into the night and though Yuki was sure he always knew of her presence, he would never acknowledge it. It was the closest she ever saw him to peaceful. Though, even from this distance, she could see that those eyes of darkened lavender never changed.

Time went by and Yuki's fascination never wavered. Every night she would be drawn to that balcony, to see if he was there; and if he was, she would watch him until she forced herself to leave.

She found herself on that balcony one night. Yori had been too busy studying to attend to her duties and Yuki had been left wander alone with the image of Zero in that almost peaceful state clouding her mind.

So she had climbed a nearby tree and leapt across to that balcony, hoping some form of answer would await her there. But there was nothing... the Academy did not transform before her eyes into anything more than it had already been. The view was simply that of the trees surrounding the building and the sky above. The silver haired boy remained a mystery.

She climbed up onto wall surrounding the balcony and looked down into the black depths below her. The wind blew her hair out behind her and chilled her bare legs, but she ignored it, wondering if there was something in the darkness that comforted Zero or if she was just imagining it all. She began to place one foot carefully in front of the other, making her way across the wall. She held her arms out at her sides as if on a balance beam. The wind pulled at her dress as she walked and tossed her long hair in all directions. She could hear that same wind rustling the leaves of the surrounding trees and over that the faint cries of the night time animals. Above, the clouds were in constant motion, sweeping across the sky in a way that made the night seem truly alive. And as Yuki took all of this in, a faint smile on her lips, the tall school building shadowed her protectively, as if to keep her safe from the terrible thoughts that had plagued her several nights ago.

Was this what she had been looking for?

But she was not allowed time to figure it out. She felt a hand wrap around her wrist and pull her down onto the balcony floor.

"Don't do that," snapped a gruff voice in her ear.

She looked up, feeling shaken, and she had to admit there was quite a difference between the image of Zero she kept in her thoughts and the real thing glaring down at her. For a few seconds she got to know how it felt to experience Zero's death glare at close range (unnerving, to say the least) and then he let go of her and quickly stepped back.

She found herself murmuring, "I wasn't going to fall," which prompted him to growl, "I'm not going to be held responsible if you hurt yourself, so don't do it."

"I'm sorry," the response was automatic. Something about the way he was so suddenly _there_ had left her slightly dazed. The animosity that radiated from him in her presence closed in on her. She wasn't used to it being concentrated on her so fully. She was too used to him trying to ignore her and this was the first time he had spoken to her directly since the night she had first arrived at the academy. Also, when he was this close, though he never said anything (and probably never would) she could just tell that there was more to his anger than he was letting on. That it was something generated from pain, the likes of which she had never known. And so the only words that would come to her lips were an apology.

She wanted so much to say something to express to him how she felt; the need to help; her sorrow over all he had suffered... But she knew she could not say anything. If she did at this moment he would only hate her more. She fumbled in her mind for the words that would make him forgive her for what she was, but of course, there was nothing.

"Don't look at me like that," he muttered, turning his face away.

She didn't know how she was looking at him.

"I..."

"Just go!" he snapped suddenly.

She continued to stare up at him and she realised her eyes were pleading.

"Now!"

She ran.

* * *

It was always like that: Yuki watching wordlessly as Zero fought to keep her out. Except... the word 'fought' implied some effort on his part, and his coldness seemed to come so naturally. Inspiration was in short supply for Yuki and she began to wonder if her plan to help him was a hopeless endeavour. No matter how often she saw him, nothing changed and there was nothing she could say to him that would break through his defences...

But he was always around! She couldn't even begin to think of giving up on him, when every day she would catch glimpses of him through the trees in the grounds. Or she would walk in on him while he spoke to Kaien about prefect duties or the like. She couldn't give up the hope that just to befriend him would be enough.

And so she resolved to keep her emotions under tight control around him. It did no good to continue to think of him as a broken child to be comforted and looked after. Nothing had him running away faster than the sight of pity in her eyes.

She began to speak to him as she would to Kaien or to Yori. Though, somehow, it took more courage to speak to him casually than it had that night on the balcony. But she slowly gained confidence around him and, gradually, it seemed good enough to just be able to say 'hello' to him, even if he refused to say it back. This was surely better than doing nothing.

* * *

**A/N: The scene where Yuki and Yori met was so bad! I'm sorry! I didn't see the point in making a big fuss over improving something that isn't really that important. I just wanted Yuki to have a friend, really. That's also why I made Yori a prefect. Makes sense, right?**

**I'm happy that this story seems to be becoming a little more popular. Thank you so much to everyone who is reading this!**

_**(chapter title from sorry about the doom – slow club)**_


	6. Everything you have loved

_Everything you have loved has turned to stone_

Yuki had never been the academic sort. She had a mild interest in her lessons at home, but only the parts that didn't go straight over her head. She enjoyed literature immensely, but thought it quite a shame to ruin a good book by writing an essay on it. She would much rather have lengthy conversations about her favourite novels with whoever she could get to listen to her – usually Kaname – she thought that a much more enjoyable way to go about the whole thing.

Her passion – and talents – lay in music. When she was younger, she used to enjoy putting on show for her parents and Kaname, but after their death, she began to focus solely on her piano playing. It became a refuge for her, from all those bad thoughts, and later from the monotony of life trapped inside her own home. Kaname loved to hear her play and while he was away she would throw herself into practicing. It was always worse when he wasn't there – she needed the distraction.

One evening, it suddenly struck her that it had been weeks since she last played. She could not believe that she hadn't thought of it sooner. She was used to playing every day.

She asked Kaien right away if there was somewhere she could practice at the Academy and he happily replied that there was indeed, though only inside the school building. She was welcome to use it, as long as no one else wanted it. Delighted, she decided to waste no time in finding the school music room. There was still an hour before the building was locked and she hoped no one else would be using the piano.

She found the music department without much difficulty, but it hardly mattered. Upon peering into the room with the piano in it, she found it was already occupied. A boy and a girl were both sat at the piano; the boy played a pretty tune, while the girl grinned at him fondly.

Her initial disappointment faded quickly, though: the boy was talented and Yuki loved to listen to music as much as she loved to play it. She watched the couple for a few more seconds through the slightly open door then she sank down onto the floor with her back against the wall, a small smile on her lips as she listened to the music.

In all the excitement of living somewhere new, meeting new people, doing new things, she had somehow forgotten about this... The feeling that came over her when she listened to or played her favourite music had been the most wonderful thing she had – perhaps the only thing that kept her going – during the time she spent locked in that house. How could it have taken so long for her to miss it?

As the boy played, her fingers itched to take over and she wondered if this would become a new routine for her – lurking outside the music room, waiting to steal away any precious minutes of practise time that the students of the school would allow her. Of course, she was enjoying being able to listen to the music, but that's what she was waiting for really. And she got her wish when the girl said something about there still being time left before curfew and, soon after, the two emerged from the room. They barely even noticed Yuki's presence as they set off down the corridor and out of sight.

She grinned at her luck and hurried into the room. Sitting down at the piano, she was reminded of home in a new light. She remembered the feeling of playing a piece that she had been practicing for weeks, while Kaname watched, smiling... how a grin would spread over her face as she finished and he would clap and tell her she had improved. She spent so much time thinking badly of that house, but there had been good times. It was just easy to forget sometimes.

She played a few notes and wondered when she would next see Kaname. Her life lately had been too full of excitement for her to really miss him, but as she began to play one of her favourite pieces, the familiarity of it had her playing as if to him. First she played a few classical pieces, then she moved on to some of her favourites to sing along to. She loved singing. It kept her spirits up like nothing else.

She became so absorbed in the music that she did not notice the minutes flying by and it was ironic that the first time she had forgotten about Zero since coming here was also the first time he really paid attention to her.

It had surprised him to open the door of the music room, ready to tell whichever student it was that it was time to return to their dorms, and find the dark haired vampire girl there.

First he blinked in surprise, and then he wondered what the hell was wrong with him. He could usually sense a vampire coming a mile off. But... at this moment she didn't seem anything like a vampire. She was facing away from him, so he could only see her face in profile, but he could see how completely engaged in the music she was. Her expression was entirely peaceful – serene even – something he had never seen on a vampire before. He had never had any particular interest in music, but he listened to her then and her voice wasn't powerful, but it was soft and sweet and maybe, just maybe, he thought it was beautiful because there he was – frozen with one foot through the door as he watched her fingers move across the keys like... like what? He couldn't even begin to describe it, that utter contentment... he was sure he'd never known anything like it.

And then the song came to an end.

Yuki was not even aware of Zero's presence until he stepped into the room and told her that the building was about to be locked up for the night. For a moment she simply stared at him, taken by surprise at his sudden appearance, and then she jumped up and quickly closed the piano lid. "Oh yes, of course!" she said, as a blush spread across her cheeks. For some reason, she couldn't quite bring herself to look him in the eye, as she hurried from the room.

As she made her way out of the building, she couldn't help but feel rather embarrassed at having been interrupted by Zero. She didn't like the idea of such a cold person seeing her doing something that she was so passionate about. He must have thought she looked so ridiculous!

But... was that really what Zero was like? He didn't seem like the sort to care about such things. He probably hadn't even been paying attention to what she was doing. After all, he did his best to ignore her every other time he saw her...

Lately Yuki had noticed that Zero seemed to be getting used to her presence at the academy, though it was little progress as he was still far from friendly towards her. But it was true that he seemed less hostile towards her now than he used to be. Just then in the music room, when he had spoken to her, he hadn't even looked that angry. But it occurred to her (and really it seemed like the most likely thing) that he was so unreadable, he could easily hate her just as much as he always had, without showing it. The thought saddened her greatly.

But she refused to give up! Her heart was so filled with the hope that one day he would look at her and see, not a vampire, but the girl she really was. She wanted it so much it almost hurt.

That night in the music room was a regular dwelling point for her thoughts and she longed to ask Zero what he had heard. Though she was a little scared of what the answer might be. If there came an answer at all.

It was one evening, as she stepped out onto the academy grounds and saw a distant sliver head amongst the trees, that she finally asked. And they finally had their first conversation.

He had stepped out of the trees and onto the path by the time she reached him and called a soft cheery 'hello'. She felt she hid her nervousness well as she smiled brightly at him. He acknowledged her greeting with a small grunt, refusing to meet her eyes. He made to continue down the path on his way to the school building without her, but she quickly fell into step with him. She stared up at him, wondering if he would tell her off, but he was ignoring her, staring straight ahead – face as unreadable as ever.

She walked a few steps alongside him then, timidly, she began, "Zero...?"

She wondered if he was paying attention, then he sighed, a short huff of breath. "What is it?"

"I was just wondering... if you heard me playing the other day?"

"No."

She hesitated a second, "Oh... okay."

There was an awkward silence. They continued to walk and she wondered if he had answered a little too quickly. Perhaps with a little too much vehemence. But she didn't want to press him and the silence continued.

She could see the school building now, where Zero was due to start his prefect rounds and she fumbled for a new topic.

"Zero, what types of music do you like anyway?"

This time he glared at her – apparently he wasn't past that yet.

"What does it have to do with you?"

"Nothing, I was just wondering."

She stared up at him with innocent eyes, but he was unimpressed.

"Don't speak to me so casually."

She still managed to be surprised by his bluntness. She stopped walking as she tried to come up with a retort, but all that would come to her was the simple question: "Will you ever stop hating me?"

He came to a stop before the building and slowly turned to face her. She noticed that his fists were clenched at his sides, but he spoke calmly, "Why should I?"

She looked at him, straight in the eye. "Because I'm not what you think I am. I've been waiting for you to realise that, but it doesn't seem to be happening. I'm not a monster, Zero."

"Why should you be any different?"

His gaze was so unforgiving; she couldn't hold it any longer. She looked down at her hands as she nervously wove a strand of hair between her fingers. She tried to express her thoughts in a coherent manner, "I can understand it a little, I guess... what a hunter must see in a vampire... always having to deal with the darker side of our species... But you're a vampire too so surely you must understand that that sort of thing is a choice you make for yourself?"

She peered up and the look that crossed his face then was the closest Yuki had seen to some kind of emotion from him. She didn't understand the reaction and was tempted to ask about it until he said, "What... are you talking about?"

"Maybe I didn't say it very well..." Yuki struggled to find the right words, watching for another flicker in his eyes. "Really, I just mean that I'm not like those other vampires... that kill humans. Honestly, I'd never even met a human until I came here."

His face became unreadable again. "That doesn't mean anything."

"It does! Kaname's the only person whose blood I've ever wanted. I don't need anyone else's. Isn't that how it is for the rest of us? We aren't monsters because we choose to love."

His eyes narrowed as he looked at her.

"Love stops us from being monsters? I don't believe that."

He turned and went to enter the school, then stopped and added, "Love only makes things worse."

Then he went inside.

* * *

**A/N: Dramatic exit from Zero, there... hehe! I hope you liked the little Zero POV I sneaked in there as well. I'm planning to do more of them every now and again, because it's hard to know what's going on with him, otherwise. Ah, I'm so unsure of what to think about this chapter! I think the piano scene might be a little clichéd, but I don't think that really matters... I was trying to think of different sorts of circumstances for Zero/Yuki interaction and that just came to me so I wrote it. The part that worries me is the conversation. Please tell me if you were disappointed by it at all, so I know if I need to try harder in the future to make things more interesting.**

**I hope you liked the chapter. Thank you for reading and I hope you'll review :)**

_**(chapter title from broadripple is burning by margot & the nuclear so and so's though i mixed up the lyrics a little bit by accident)**_


	7. Darkness descends

_Darkness descends..._

Yuki stayed rooted to the spot as the world grew darker around her, until the stars began to spark to life in the vast sky above. She tried to wrap her mind around Zero's words, but she couldn't get a grip on them and their meaning eluded her entirely.

What was Zero's experience of love, that he could say such a thing?

Tentatively, she asked herself: was it to do with a girl? And that gave way to wondering: what sort of girl could Zero fall in love with? What sort of girl could make him smile?

But, of course, she was thinking about it all the wrong way. Smiling had nothing to do with it, if any experience of love could lead to him uttering such a statement as the one before.

Besides, Yori would surely have said something if there had been a girl, Yuki realised with some small, inexplicable measure of relief. And though she understood that Yori didn't know everything about Zero (in fact, it was safe to say that she knew very little about him) she somehow knew that Zero had never let someone get that close to him. It was all there in that blank stare. He was impenetrable. Who could ever get that close to him?

But that conversation proved impossible to forget. It stayed on her mind long after it ended, even more so because she didn't get the chance to see Zero for several days afterwards. Some days it was just like that. He had a way of making himself scarce and whether it had anything to do with her, she never knew, but she had her suspicions.

In the end, the only conclusion she was able to come up with was that his was a very sad and lonely sounding opinion to have about love. And that only worried her more.

She tried to plan out what she would say to him when the next opportunity arose, but the next time she saw him was one evening in the headmaster's living area and she was so taken by surprise that any plan she might have had flew from her head entirely.

She had just woken up not long ago – later than usual. She had sleepily washed and dressed then stumbled into the living room to find him nodding off in an armchair. She froze in the doorway, eyes wide, lips parted in a soft O of surprise.

His head was rested on his palm, arm propped up on the arm of the chair. His hair fell over his eyes, but under it she could make out those silvery lashes resting against his pale cheeks. His mouth seemed soft and relaxed and his breathing was slow and quiet.

She watched him silently from the doorway. She found it hard to link the word peaceful to this boy, but that was almost what he was. And with lids lightly closed over those disturbing eyes, it came to her suddenly that he was undeniably beautiful.

Then his eyes opened slowly and a frown appeared on his face as he turned and looked up at the girl in the doorway.

"What is it this time?" he muttered.

She blushed slightly, "Nothing."

She entered the room and looked around.

"Where is Headmaster Cross?" she asked.

"Out."

"You're waiting for him?"

"Yes."

He was looking at her stonily from the armchair as she stood awkwardly in the centre of the room. She noticed now that he seemed paler than usual.

She voiced her concern before she could even think to stop herself, "Are you okay?" she asked and his eyes became hateful.

"I'm fine," he snapped, causing her blush to deepen. She knew better than to reply.

She settled herself into a chair and wondered how she should go about asking him about his words the other night. The room was silent, but she could feel that same tension that always came from Zero. She fidgeted with her skirt for a minute, then finally blurted out, "What you said the other night has been bothering me."

She watched him with worried eyes and he glared back at her without saying a word.

"You know what I mean, don't you?" she whispered, "You said something like that and now you won't explain it to me?"

"I don't _have_ to explain myself to you."

"Right, I get that, but..." though she knew she was on dangerous grounds, she forced out the words anyway, "I worry about you... even if you don't want me to; I can't help it."

For a minute, a dark silence hung in the air between them as she waited for his reaction. Then slowly, quietly, he said, "What is it..? What do you want from me?" There was no obvious change in his voice when he said it, but there was just something about his manner which told her that something had snapped within him, that he'd come to the end of his patience with her. She could feel the anger begin to radiate from him. "You won't leave me alone... You follow me, watch me, and ask me questions. You're constantly calling my name – acting like you know me..."

His eyes never seemed darker than they did at that point. She could hear the strain in his voice as he struggled to control himself, but she needed to make him understand. "I _want_ to know you."

He rose to his feet. He was looking away from her now, his hair casting a shadow over his face. In a low voice he said, "I don't care what you want... Just leave me alone. You have no right to worry about me, nor do you have any right to try to befriend me."

He left then, his business with Kaien forgotten. Fists clenched, he strode across the room, wrenched open the door and left without a backwards glance.

It was a few seconds before Yuki was able to get to her feet. Her eyes were stinging, tears threatening, but she wouldn't let them come.

She wasn't wrong. She knew that at least. He spoke of her not knowing him, but he knew even less about her. It frustrated her to no end.

What would she do now, though? Obey his wishes and give up?

Oh, but a part of her despaired at the thought! She hadn't even known that part of her existed until this point, but now she realised that it was the very thing that had been driving her efforts to befriend Zero all of this time. And it had been there since the very beginning. Even before Kaien had told Yuki the truth about Zero's past and asked her to be a friend to him... She had been drawn to him since the moment they met, she knew that now. When she had looked into his eyes that very first day, she had seen it: a faint spark of light within those pale, yet stormy depths. It had called to her; a beacon, drawing her in and she couldn't bear to let go of it.

It wasn't something she understood, it was just something she felt inside of her, an aching sadness, a longing hidden deep within her heart. Bits of it would break away and be pumped throughout her body in her blood and, from time to time, the sharp edges would prick at her from within and she would be reminded not to give up.

In that moment she made her decision; she would go after Zero and tell him that she had no intention of giving up, that she was determined that, one day, he would see her for what she really was.

She flew out of the door and hoped he hadn't gone far – she didn't want time to chicken out.

Her worries, however, were unnecessary. When she reached hallway, she came to a sudden halt. Zero hadn't even made it past the door.

The hallway was dark. Twilight had passed and now the faint glow of the moon was visible through the window – it cast a square of pale light across the floor and onto one wall, partially illuminating a tear in the wall paper. It looked like someone had clawed at it... It was not a mystery who.

She could make out Zero's form in the darkness. He was slumped against that same wall in a shadowy corner. He was at the opposite end of the hallway from her, but she could hear his breathing even from that distance. It sounded painful, ragged.

For the first few seconds, she couldn't move. She only stared in utter incomprehension at the sight before her. His hands were claw-like, clutching at his chest, his throat. She could see his face through the darkness, distorted in agony.

Then, in an instant, she was at his side.

"Zero?" panic shook her voice, she fell to her knees beside him. She could see a thin layer of perspiration on his deathly pale skin. "Zero, what's wrong?"

She reached for his hand, still clutched tightly at his throat.

"Don't... touch me," he growled through clenched teeth. She could see the pain it caused him to speak displayed clearly on his face. She could only stare at him in horror, her hand frozen in mid air.

"What is it?" she managed to whisper. He turned to face her then, and glared at her more fiercely than ever.

His eyes were the colour of blood.

She inhaled sharply and withdrew her hand.

"Go away," he said in the same tone as before.

But she couldn't move, couldn't tear her gaze from those crimson eyes... because they told her what he never could. She could see how strong his thirst had become and how much it took out of him to fight it. How close to losing control he was... The shame it brought him.

She opened her mouth as if to utter some words of comfort, but nothing would come.

"Leave _now!_"

Now he was baring her fangs at her in a snarl of rage so intense that she drew back from the force of it. The unshed tears from earlier filled her eyes, for she saw now, that which had been hidden from her all along. Behind the rage and the hunger was a deep hatred for what he was; for being a vampire, for needing blood.

She saw how wrong she had been for all of this time. This mystery that seemed to surround Zero, it wasn't some sort of code to be cracked. To say that there was a dark fog veiling his thoughts from her implied, perhaps, that once it lifted she would find light and clarity beneath. But that was foolish. His agony was darkness itself. It was consuming him, driving him to the brink of insanity. That was something she could never hope to understand.

The tears fell from her eyes as she watched him, wanting so badly to do something to help him... but he looked so beyond help.

Her voice cracked as she whispered, "I can't leave you." She stared at him, desperately, willing him to understand.

He continued to glare at her for a few seconds more then, slowly, the rage started to drain from his features and pain took over entirely. He'd given in, realising that fighting her was taking more strength than he could spare. It almost broke her heart to see it.

And suddenly, out of desperation, she found herself drawing near to him saying, "Zero, it's okay. You can–"

"Yuki."

It took her a few seconds to realise where the new voice was coming from. Then she looked up. Kaien was there, smiling down at her. "I'll take it from here... you go back to your room."

She almost refused, but when she looked back at Zero, he had turned from her and that seemed to break some sort of spell over her. She stood shakily and, without a word, she left the room.

* * *

**A/N: This chapter was pretty eventful :) I hope you liked it. **

**I'm sorry to say that I've finally come to the end of my pre-written chapters. Updates will probably start to take longer from now on as I've got to type up each chapter before I post it. I'll try my best not to take too long though.**

_**(chapter title is from darkness descends by laura marling)**_


	8. Was scared by the look in his eyes

_Was scared by the look in his eyes, like he'd already lost the fight_

It seemed to take forever for the headmaster to return. Yuki sat in the same chair that Zero had used earlier, with tears drying on her cheeks as the scene she had just witnessed replayed itself over in her mind. His face! That lovely face, distorted in such agony... How could she forget such a thing?

The thought of what he had been hiding all along had created tiny hairline cracks on the surface of her heart that she didn't think she could ever mend. She wondered how bruised and broken his own heart must be and now she wondered this, not with simple curiosity, but with genuine despair.

She hugged her legs close to her body, just for something to hold on to.

The questions – was he alright? Would he make it through this? – twisted knots in her stomach, sent shooting pains through her capillaries. There was a tightness in her chest that she almost couldn't bear. But when Kaien finally walked into the room, all she could manage to do was look up at him with anguished eyes.

"Yuki..." he said sadly. There was pity in his gaze, "I'm sorry to leave you alone after seeing something like that."

But she didn't care about that – she wanted to know about Zero! She straightened up, hands reaching out to clutch at the side of the chair. She started to ask, "Is he..." but her voice cracked before all the words would come out, causing Kaien to interrupt her question, "He has calmed down for now. I took him back to his room and told him not to go to classes tomorrow if he doesn't feel better."

Though it was supposedly good news, the words 'for now' rang in her ears. Her head drooped forward, causing her hair to fall over her eyes, obscuring them as she murmured, "But it will happen again..."

The Headmaster gazed at her with a deep sadness for both of the young vampires in his care. "It's likely," he sighed, "I had hoped but... It seems that he isn't taking well to the blood tablets."

Of course not... She'd heard that before, hadn't she? Former humans can't take blood tablets like other vampires... Why hadn't she realised?

A horrible thought struck her then and she finally looked up at the older man, forcing herself to voice it, "You said you took Zero back to his dorm room, but... if something like that were to happen again... are you sure it would be safe for him to be there – with so many other people?"

He frowned at her, "Zero is a lot stronger than you're giving him credit for."

Nevertheless, he looked worried. She shook her head, and spoke softly, "The way he looked at me before... scared me. It was clear he'd lost some of his reason. I've never seen him lose his temper like that..." her voice dropped to a whisper, "and it was my fault. He was only angry because of me. I pushed him too far..."

"Yuki, of course it wasn't your fault. Zero has been having these attacks for months-"

She shook her head. "No... You weren't there – you didn't see..." There were tears in her eyes now; she stared past the Headmaster, not seeing anything. "I said something to him that made him angry and he stormed from the room. When I went after him, he was like that... He was fine before I spoke to him – he was sleeping!"

Kaien tried to reason with her, "You can't blame yourself for something like this. Zero will be back to normal soon enough..."

Yuki turned to look straight at him, her eyes wide and tearful. "It was his face after, though – that was the worst part. He was in so much pain, and not just physically... I could have spared him that, if only for a little while."

She pulled her knees back up against her chest and rested her forehead against them. After a moment, she spoke again, "If he ever hurt anyone, he'd never forgive himself."

Kaien watched her for a few moments, then he sighed. "You're right. It's getting late now, but in the morning I'll see what I can do."

* * *

The sun had disappeared fully behind the school buildings when Yuki spied Yori just leaving them, the next evening. With all of the previous night's events, she had forgotten about meeting with the other girl as she usually did. She hadn't seen her at all yesterday.

"Yuki... hello," Yori said upon seeing her. There was something off about the way she said it, despite the smile on her face. Yuki approached her friend.

"Hi... is everything alright?"

The two began to walk away from the school building, heading in the general direction of the dormitories. It was getting dark quickly tonight. A shadowy expanse of trees stretched out on either side of them as they walked.

"I'm not sure, really..." Yori murmured, "Have you seen Zero at all today?"

Yori had asked the very thing that had been bugging Yuki since she woke up. The headmaster hadn't been around to ask for news on how he was doing, so she had been hoping that she might find something out from Yori. It surprised her though, that Yori had brought it up without being asked.

"Not today," Yuki replied. "He wasn't feeling well last night... that was the last time I saw him. I was going to ask you if he was looking any better." Yuki was feeling worried now, and there was a similar feeling displayed on Yori's face that bothered her even more, "Is something wrong?"

"It's just... I haven't seen Zero at all today... and he hasn't shown up for patrol. I can usually find him hanging around somewhere, but there's been no sign of him. It was worrying me a little."

The explanation didn't seem that odd. Yuki had thought that Zero might not have gone to classes that day, but there was something not quite right about the way Yori was reacting to it. "Well, he's probably sick..."

"Would you mind if I checked on him? Just to make sure that he's alright? You could come with me. To be honest, I'm a little nervous about going by myself."

Yuki hesitated. She longed to see for herself that he had got over what happened last night, but now she had to worry; what if seeing her made him worse? If he wanted her to leave him alone then perhaps that was what she should do. But there was a nagging thought in her head that Yori was hiding something from her. She wanted Yuki to come with her; perhaps there was something important that Yori wanted her to do.

In the end, the desire to see him (just to check) was too strong and outweighed her doubts about going. She followed Yori towards the male dormitories.

"Do you know which room is his?" Yuki asked as they entered the building. She was feeling very nervous indeed, knowing, for a start, that they weren't supposed to be there, but also that Zero probably wasn't going to be very happy to see her. What would he do when she showed up in front of his door? Would he be angry again?

"I had to come here once before..." Yori replied without looking at her.

When they reached Zero's room, Yori hesitated. Yuki couldn't understand what had brought about her friend's nervousness, but she had no time to ask about it before Yori raised her fist and knocked lightly on the door.

There was no reply from inside the room, but as a vampire, Yuki could sense his presence quite clearly. He most likely sensed hers too, which was probably why he was in no hurry to answer. Evidently, Yori had also taken into account the possibility that he might simply be ignoring them, for she knocked again and called out, "Zero...? Is everything alright?"

When, once again, there was no reply Yori turned to Yuki wearing a helpless expression. Yuki wasn't quite so worried; there was nothing of that dark aura that had surrounded him last night. In fact she was certain now that he was simply trying to avoid _her_. But she didn't know what to do. She was certain that, if she said anything, it would only make Zero less inclined to come out. She was toying with the idea of leaving and letting Yori speak to him alone. But she really wanted to see him for herself. Her hand itched to reach out and twist the doorknob to see if it would open... But it was just as she was thinking to herself about how – in the unlikely event that that actually worked – it was _definitely_ a bad idea, that she finally heard a noise from inside the room. There were footsteps and then the door opened just wide enough to reveal Zero's towering form.

"What is it?" he demanded quietly, yet irritably, of Yori.

Yuki was stood, awkwardly silent, a few feet to Yori's left, but Zero didn't look her way at all – though there was no question of him having noticed her. The tension around him seemed to have multiplied in his efforts to ignore her.

Despite this, Yuki used the opportunity to study his face, to see if he really had recovered. His eyes had reverted to their usual lilac colour, his expression controlled as usual, but... there was something off about it. It could well have been Yuki's imagination, but she felt so very _aware_ of that control he was exercising. Something had changed since the events of last night, when Zero's defences had fallen away. But whether those defences had been damaged and were no longer as strong as they once were, or if it was because she finally knew what was behind them, she wasn't sure.

Yori, however, looked entirely relieved upon seeing him. She murmured in response to his question, "I just wanted to check..."

There was nothing in his expression to suggest that he understood why Yori had been so worried about him, but before she could finish explaining herself, he said in a bored voice, as if he had been expecting this reaction, "It's alright." And then he opened up the door a little wider to allow Yori to see in. Yuki peered inside the room and saw that it was completely empty apart from a few bags placed upon the bed. "I was packing. I'm moving back into my room in the headmaster's residence. So... I guess you don't need to worry anymore."

He was moving... Yuki stared at Zero, but still he refused to look at her. She and Zero were going to be living only a few rooms apart from each other. If this had happened before last night, she would have hardly been able to believe her luck, but now she couldn't help but feel worried. How would living so close to her affect Zero? How could Yuki stay out of his way if they were living together?

So lost in these thoughts was Yuki, that the most obvious question did not occur to her until she and Yori had left the boy's dorm altogether. What had happened between Yori and Zero that she didn't know about? The way Yori had been behaving all evening has suggested that she was hiding something from Yuki, and the way Zero had spoken to her before only seemed to confirm it. Whatever was making Yori so worried, Zero seemed to know about it.

But Yuki was positive that Yori didn't know Zero's secret. When asking all of those questions about him, Yori hadn't given any hint that she knew anything about it. And besides, if Yori had known that Zero was a vampire then surely she would have figured out that Yuki was one too...

In the end, the only thing Yuki could do was come right out with it. "Yori... there's something you're not telling me."

Yori looked at the other girl for a long moment then sighed quietly, "You're right..."

"It's something very awful, isn't it? Otherwise, you would have told me before."

They had stopped walking now and were midway between the dorms and the school. Yori turned to Yuki and took her hand, clasping it between two of her own – a gesture of comfort... or maybe she was trying to draw strength from Yuki to go on with what she was about to say.

"I didn't want to tell you before because I didn't think it was my place to tell you some things about Zero – especially something I should never have known in the first place. Now I think you should know... but I'm not sure how to say it."

She was staring down at their clasped hands, as if she was finding it difficult to meet Yuki's gaze.

"Yori..." Yuki whispered, "Tell me... please."

Yori finally looked up into Yuki's eyes and said simply, in a small voice, the words that finally broke Yuki's heart, "A couple of months ago, before you came here... Zero tried to kill himself."

* * *

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who's reading this, especially those who leave reviews... I feel so enthusiastic about writing this story and I think getting such lovely reviews is helping quite a lot with that :) Thanks so much!**

_**(chapter title from hope in the air by laura marling)**_


	9. The life I've had

_See the life I've had could make a good man bad_

Whether or not that information should have come as a surprise to Yuki was unimportant. Once her mind had processed it, her knees wanted suddenly to give out beneath her.

_My whole life has been spent in ignorance, _Yuki thought_, and even now that I'm looking, I still don't see._

There was a rule regarding purebloods; that they must never cry in front of others. Yet there were tears sliding slowly down her cheeks, and how many times was it now, that she'd cried openly over Zero Kiryu? She was too lost in thought to wipe those tears from her cheeks or hide them from Yori. But the other girl thought no worse of Yuki – how could she?

_He wanted to die_, she was thinking, _he wanted to die and I didn't even realise_.

To be fair, despite it being very obvious that there was something wrong, Zero had done a very good job of hiding just what that something was. But Yuki was not thinking of that. She was remembering all the signs she had failed to understand. Zero hated vampires – all vampires, even himself. _Especially_ himself. She had seen that last night – his self-loathing – and only now was she realising to what extent he felt it.

"Yuki...?" Yori whispered. Yuki finally remembered Yori's presence.

"I'm sorry Yori," She mumbled and tried to smile as she wiped the tears from her eyes. "I wonder why it makes me so sad..."

"It's because you care so much," Yori answered softly.

"Hmm?"

"That's the reason why I told you – because you care so much. I wasn't going to say anything at first, because I wasn't sure and, anyway, it wasn't really my business, but now I think that it's best for you to know.

"I don't really know Zero all that well... but I could see from the start that he was in a really dark place. And I think that you might be able to help him. Perhaps if he had someone who really cared about him, then he would feel better. I know that he is pushing you away now, but I'm sure that, if you keep trying, he'll realise what a good friend you can be."

Yori's plan sounded simple enough the way she put it, but Yuki knew there was no point in explaining how much more difficult it would be in reality.

"Yori, what happened?" Yuki stared at her with such sad eyes that Yori wondered for a moment if she had been cruel in telling her the truth, but she quickly dismissed the thought. Surely it was for the best that Yuki knew now.

"You mean... how he tried to do it?" The words were incredibly hard for her to force out. It was surely the scariest thing she had seen. "He had a gun – I don't know where it came from or what happened to it. I'm assuming the Headmaster took care of it. I told him everything the first chance I got..."

Though Yuki felt slightly ill at the thought, she didn't say a word about the fact that she was fairly certain nothing had been done about the gun. She had seen it with her own eyes the night she came here.

Then she realised something, "You mean... you were there? You saw him..."

"He never actually fired the gun. That's the only comfort I have about the whole thing... I walked in on him as he was about to do it and, as soon as he saw me, he put the gun down and left... I really can't believe I got there in time. I'd been looking for him like tonight and his door was open, that's the only reason I was able to walk in on him. He mustn't have been thinking clearly at all... It makes me wonder if he was seriously intending to do it... who knows how long he could have been sat like that before I found him. But still, I'll never know – if I had arrived a second later..." she couldn't finish that sentence. The thought of it was too horrible.

Yuki's eyes were horror filled at the thought of what Yori must have been through. For her to carry all of this, for all of these months, and not say a word – and it was quite obvious that Yuki was the first person she had told since the headmaster. She could see the relief in Yori's eyes at finally getting it off her chest.

"Yori... that must have been terrible. I can't imagine how I would have dealt with such a thing."

But Yuki felt now that that same weight Yori had dealt with had transferred onto her shoulders. She wondered what on earth she was going to do now.

* * *

Zero stepped out of the building that had been his home for the last year and a half, carrying all of his possessions within just a few bags. The Headmaster had come to him earlier to tell him about his concern regarding him staying in the dorms. And though Zero hated the idea of what little privacy he had being snatched away from him (particularly because of the certain someone – no, make that the two people – he was losing it to) what could he say in protest? The way things were going, the Headmaster had every right to be worried, though it annoyed him immensely to admit it.

As he stepped out into the night he felt her presence again, almost instantly. That pureblood aura was always impossible to ignore. It really was sickening.

At first he couldn't see where she was, but as he made his way towards the headmaster's residence, she came into view. She was still with Sayori Wakaba and the two were currently blocking the pathway he wanted to use. Naturally, he opted for cutting through the trees rather than interrupting their conversation. Neither of them seemed to notice his presence, they were so absorbed in their conversation. As he glanced at them through the trees, he noticed that the two seemed pretty upset about something. Looking closer, he saw that there were tears shining in the pureblood's eyes.

He really hoped she wouldn't notice him. If she wasn't always so preoccupied with obsessing over things that were none of her business, then she would no doubt have noticed his presence as easily as he did hers. He just hoped that she wouldn't look his way now, because he had seen the look on Wakaba's face earlier and it didn't take a genius to figure out what those two were talking about now. He didn't want to see the pity in those eyes. He didn't think he could deal with it at this moment. After all, no matter what she told him, he knew exactly what her 'concern' was generated from: boredom. Really, what else could it be? It was so like an arrogant pureblood to toy with someone else's life for her own amusement.

For a minute he walked on through the trees, facing forward, determined not to look her way, no matter what. But he had only walked a few steps before the shame overcame him. Who was he kidding? That 'arrogant pureblood' wasn't the one who had nearly lost all control the night before. In fact she remained frustratingly innocent – if it weren't for the way she only ever showed up at night and, of course, that damned aura, it would be pretty hard to tell that she even was a vampire.

He walked on and his thoughts drifted back to how they were going to be living together after tonight. He wondered how he was going to deal with her always being so close, when right now he couldn't even look at her. As he thought about the ridiculous situation, he had to laugh a little – though the sound that escaped his lips was a bitter one.

"Why do these things happen to me?" he muttered to himself. He stared ahead through the trees, trying to compose himself. But the thoughts wouldn't leave his head, "It's not as if I deserve a simple life, but..."

_Have I not suffered enough alread_y?

His gaze drifted slowly down to the fallen leaves beneath his feet and he stood still for a few silent seconds. Then the hand which hung loosely at his side folded into a tight fist as he forced that thought away and carried on towards his destination.

* * *

He let the bags fall, with a soft thud, to the floor in the centre of the room. Then he crossed the distance to his old bed and flopped down onto it. He didn't feel like unpacking. He had homework, but he didn't feel like doing that either. He just wanted to sleep. Somehow, he was always tired these days... His eyes drifted closed and he hoped for a dreamless sleep.

But not five minutes had passed when there was a knock at the door. "Kiryu, can you come out here for a minute?" he heard the Headmaster call.

For a few minutes he lay still, toying with the idea of ignoring the older man, then, moving slowly, he did as he was asked. At least _she_ wasn't back yet; otherwise he might not have been so cooperative.

He stepped into the kitchen where Kaien had gone to wait for him.

"What is it?" he muttered.

"Have you settled back into your old room? It's not so bad being back here, is it?" the Headmaster said brightly. As usual, Zero failed to share the other man's optimism. He ignored him and pulled out a chair at the kitchen table. He folded his arms on the tabletop and rested his head on them, waiting for the headmaster to get to the point.

"Though I suppose it will be a little different than before, what with Yuki staying with us..."

"How long is she going to be here for, anyway?" Zero said gruffly, his voice muffled by his arms.

"Yuki is welcome to stay for as long as she wants. I'm happy to have her," the Headmaster replied and Zero raised his head slightly to glare at him.

"Ah, Kiryu, don't look so scary! It's not like I can turn her away... actually Yuki is the reason I called you out here, I wanted to talk to you about her before she gets back."

Zero sat up so that the Headmaster could feel the full force of his glare; he did _not_ want to talk about her. But Kaien just sighed, seemingly serious now, "What happened yesterday upset her a lot, more than it should have done, I'm sure. Whatever your feelings about her are, she seems to care about you a lot. She even blamed herself for what happened to you."

"She can think what she likes, what does it have to do with me?" said Zero in a low voice.

"I'd just like it if you could give her a break. Don't look at me like that! Someday even you will have to admit that she doesn't deserve to be treated this way. For now I'm just asking you to go easier on her while she's staying with us. It would make life a lot simpler for all of us if you did."

Zero was about to make some sort of angry retort to the Headmaster's request, but he had barely opened his mouth when he heard the sound of the door out in the hallway opening and closing. The words he had been about to say were forgotten. She was back.

* * *

**Please review! Oh, and thank you so much to those who already have. It makes me really happy to get such encouraging messages :)**

_**(chapter title from please, please, please, let me get what I want by the smiths)**_


	10. I am awake to feel the ache

_I am awake to feel the ache..._

The room was mostly dark, lit only by the single lamp on the table in the corner. She liked it like this, liked the way the lamplight cast a faint yellow glow over the objects of the room. It made the shadows seem warmer somehow. She felt she needed the comfort of it.

Yuki felt somewhat emotionally exhausted. These last few days had been too much for her. She hadn't expected it to be like this; tears falling, grasping for something out of her reach and shrouded in black mist, the helplessness of it all... How very sad it made her. No, she hadn't been prepared for that at all.

She rolled over on the living room floor next to the headmaster's old record player, listening to the comforting wail of one of her favourite singers. The song was a sad one, but it suited her mood. It seemed to settle into her skin so that she could feel every note. They felt almost heavy... or was that just her heart? It was hard to tell. Everything was blurring at the moment, but that was what she wanted anyway.

She wanted the song to fill her head so that she wouldn't have to think of those things for just a little while. She just wanted to forget about everything, to dull those pricking sensations in her blood vessels. She lay with her eyes closed, focusing on the music. For a little while, the reason for her melancholy seemed lost amongst the sounds, but it didn't last. Was that a footstep? ...Yes, that presence was unmistakable. She raised her head and stared up into pale violet eyes. For a moment, her heart sped up, but he quickly averted his gaze.

In an apathetic tone, he asked her, "Do you always make such a racket when others are trying to sleep?"

That was new, that tone, it was almost polite coming from Zero. Though, knowing him, he probably hadn't intended it that way. She stared at him in surprise for a few seconds, then his words sank in and her eyes widened. She sat up and fumbled to turn the music off. "Sorry," she mumbled, "I didn't realise"

She often played music at night, once everyone else had gone to sleep and she was left alone. She had thought a few times about going to going to sleep earlier so that she could try getting up during the day, but unless she planned on attending classes, there wasn't really much point in doing so, as no one was about then anyway. Truthfully, she didn't mind things the way they were. Kaien had no problem with her playing music when she wanted and she made sure to keep the volume low enough that it wouldn't disturb him. But she hadn't taken into account that Zero's room was a lot closer than the Headmaster's and evidently, Zero _had_ been able to hear her.

Feeling rather uncomfortable, she rose to her feet. She thought that she had got used to being around Zero, but these last few days had changed everything. She didn't know how she should act around him anymore. She waited a few minutes, eyes cast downwards, expecting him to leave now that she'd turned the music off. But he stayed where he was. Shyly, she raised her eyes up to peer at him. He stood a few feet away from her, not moving or saying a word. He was staring right past her and there seemed to be a hint of annoyance in the way his mouth was set. Yuki wondered what was coming next.

But the moments passed in silence and eventually she forced herself to speak first, "Is there something...?"

She trailed off; cutting her sentence short when he finally looked at her, but his eyes darted away almost at once.

"No... It's nothing."

It was a lie. Of that, Yuki was sure. It was most definitely not nothing. As mysterious as Zero was, she had come to realise that when he had something to say, he could be very blunt about it. Right now, it struck her as very odd that he chose to remain silent when his behaviour indicated that there was something he wanted to say to her. She was curious, very curious, but she had lost what little courage she might have had to question him before and instead remained silent.

And with that, he turned and left the room.

* * *

After that first night when Zero moved back into his old bedroom, Yuki took to listening to music on headphones, or reading, so that she would not disturb him again. There were a lot of things regarding Zero that Yuki had failed to pick up on in the past, but now she tried her best not to do too much that would aggravate him. She didn't want to feel as though she was walking on eggshells around him, but she couldn't help it. She sometimes felt so scared that there would be a repeat of that night. Even if it was inevitable, she truly wished that he wouldn't have to feel that sort of pain again.

But, her efforts hardly seemed to matter, for she rarely even saw him anyway. It seemed that he had become even more determined to avoid her now than he ever had before. He stayed out late into the night, patrolling much later than was necessary. It saddened Yuki, but there was not much she could do about it. She was past plotting now. She would simply have to hope that, over time, he would come to accept her.

* * *

For Zero, eventually, staying away seemed pointless; because all he would ever do was wander aimlessly through the grounds, making sure no one was out after curfew, when no one ever was. Or if they were, they were only ever out a few minutes later than they should be, and were already on their way back to their dorms anyway. So he and Yori never needed to spend that much time patrolling.

Now he was effectively breaking school rules himself, as he had no purpose wandering about through the trees or trying to doze off on that one balcony he liked (which, actually, had never been quite the same since the night he had found _her_ there). Before he moved back to the Headmaster's rooms, he would always return to his dorm as soon as he could, rather than wandering, alone with his thoughts, the way he did now. His thoughts were the same wherever he went; at least in his room they were accompanied by the hope that tonight he might sleep.

To fall into a long, dreamless sleep was all he could hope for, most days. But it was rarely what he got – and when he dreamed, it was always of that woman and that night, all those years ago. Most nights, wondering which it would be this time – oblivion, finally... or the vivid reminder of the night his life fell to shit – was enough to keep him wide awake, anyway.

Lately, he was starting to prefer sleeping during the day. He found that the dreams bothered him less then. But he was disturbed a little by what this new habit seemed to represent – as if the thirst alone wasn't enough, now he was picking up their sleeping habits too.

For a while, it had helped a little if he visited the shooting range at night. It kept him occupied, until he was exhausted enough to sleep properly. But the activity grew tiresome quickly and seemed best saved for when he was feeling particularly stressed out.

So what did that leave, other than to return his room early? Even though he knew that _she_ would be nearby if he did.

He'd noticed that ever since the night that he'd told her off for playing that wailing music, she had been careful not to disturb him again, but he had found that it didn't make a difference. He knew she was there and that was what bothered him. The reason he stayed out so late was to avoid her, but he wasn't succeeding, not when he would lie awake in bed afterwards and hear her moving about, turning the pages of a book, humming a line of a song absentmindedly to herself... He should have been able to sleep through that, but he couldn't, he was too on edge.

So he gave up. What was the point, anyway? Trying to avoid her was taking more effort than it was worth. He was tired of it all, of everything. He turned on the spot and started back towards the headmaster's living area, defeated.

As he walked, he thought about another thing that had been bothering him lately. It was to do with what the Headmaster had said about being nicer to her. Though that was the last thing he wanted to do, he couldn't help remembering the night that he had caught a glimpse of her crying. He hadn't thought much of it at the time, but when he thought about it after, it did seem odd. What he knew about purebloods was this: they were arrogant, prideful and the worst type of vampire, they could tear a person's life apart without giving it a second thought. He'd seen one crying before; that woman, Shizuka Hio. When he saw her, that day, with tears running down her face, he'd had no way of knowing what was about to happen to his parents, to Ichiru, but he had found it nonetheless disturbing. What he had seen the other night, through the trees, was different. The young pureblood's eyes had displayed her every emotion with painful clarity, in an almost naive sort of way, while the tears fell unchecked down her cheeks. He'd never known a pureblood to behave the way that girl did. So when the headmaster told him that she was upset and blamed herself, Zero was ever so slightly inclined to believe him.

But this didn't change anything between them. Of course it didn't. Just because she was different in some ways didn't change the fact that she was a pureblood. And he hated those vampires more than any other kind. Despite this, there was one thing he couldn't lie to himself about. The incident the other week, where he had lost control of himself, wasn't something she should blame herself for. Zero was a ticking time bomb these days. It had happened before and would happen again, whether she was there or not. So what exactly was bothering him was whether or not he should tell her this.

When he reached the Headmaster's rooms, he paused at the doorway. As much as he loathed the idea of starting a conversation with her, he knew that if he just got it over and done with now, then that would be one less thing to bother him where she was concerned. So, rather than heading straight for his own room, he decided to find her. He could hear her moving about in the kitchen, so, his expression grim, that's where he went.

When he entered the room, she was still for a moment, then she span around to face him, wearing a look of surprise on her face.

"You surprised me," she said quietly – in case he hadn't noticed the obvious, perhaps. Her cheeks began to flush slightly. "I thought you were the Headmaster... I didn't think you'd be back so early."

He frowned at her from the doorway. Was she really this much of an idiot? He sighed and asked a question that had been bugging him for a while now, "Do you really not sense me coming? Or do you just not pay attention to anything?"

Her blush deepened and she laughed nervously, "I'm pretty absent minded, I guess..."

He looked at her for a few seconds; she had definitely started behaving differently around him. Though she tried to be cheerful, her discomfort was obvious. He could see what she was thinking: one wrong move and he'd lose it.

It was almost laughable. Despite his efforts to ignore all of her prodding and poking into his life, almost everything was out in the open now. And look at how the truth disturbed her more than she'd ever thought it would. She had thought that he was just some pathetic boy who'd lost his parents, she hadn't realised that over time that boy had become a monster... one who was never going to be tamed... or saved, whichever way you chose to look at it.

"I... I was making tea... would you like some?" her voice was soft, uncertain but it was enough to snap him out of his thoughts. He realised that she was staring back at him intently and he finally looked away. He shook his head in answer to her question. Then he gritted his teeth. He would have to say it now, if ever.

"About... that night..." He could feel her eyes on him and that made it harder to say, but he had made the decision to tell her, so he forced the words out anyway, "It wasn't your fault."

He couldn't look at her, so there was no way to tell what her reaction was. In fact, he was sure he didn't want to know. He was glad that she wasn't saying anything in response.

"I just thought you should know," he added and, after that, he couldn't stay any longer in that room.

He turned but, just as he stepped out of the room, he heard her soft voice murmur, "Zero... thank you."

He hesitated for a second, and then walked away.

* * *

**A/N: Zero POVs are saving me from writer's block! I wasn't originally intending to have so much from his point of view, but it was the only thing I could think to write. I think there's more going on with Zero at this point than there is with Yuki, anyway. So a lot of the next chapter will be Zero's thoughts as well, which I'm hoping you'll enjoy. **

**But, oh dear, I'm starting to realise that this story isn't as well planned out as I thought it was. I need to start thinking about more random events that can happen...**

**Anyway,** **thank you so much to everyone who reviewed. You all say such lovely things, it makes me really happy! And thank you to everyone who added this story to their favourites or alerts. I'd love to hear more from you all. I love getting reviews and empty inboxes are no fun :P Please tell me what you thought :)**

_**(chapter title from field below by regina spektor)**_


	11. And you wonder if you are alive

**This chapter is very angsty to begin with. I'm a little worried about it, because it was such a nightmare to write... I don't really think I'm that great at writing drama. I know that it can so easily come off as stupid; I just hope that isn't the case here.**

* * *

_And you wonder if you are alive... and you're not sure if you want to be..._

After that, Zero started returning to the Headmaster's quarters for meals, before he started his prefect duties. While he was hardly embracing Yuki's presence now, he had decided to take advantage of the fact that the girl seemed to have learned some tact since the night he had snapped at her. He found it more convenient to return to the Headmaster's rooms for meals, than to eat in the school dining room. Though the cooking itself left a lot to be desired, he'd never liked company much, and at least here there was less of it. So now, he simply sat across the table from Yuki and tried to avoid eye contact. It was awkward, but that was mostly on Yuki's part – she didn't know what to do with herself, but Zero was determined to act as if everything was completely normal, as if Yuki wasn't there at all. It was easier that way.

Tonight, he felt her eyes boring into him as he picked at his food (it was worse than usual, but had little appetite for it anyway; it was a different sort of hunger that bothered him the most). Without thinking, he raised his eyes to meet hers, and wasn't it obvious what she was thinking? He should have known that she would make more out of his words the other night than he intended. He could see her now, trying to figure out if his opinion of her had changed any. Well, he had no intention of helping her out with that.

He stood suddenly and, as an excuse to get away from the table, muttered, "I'll wash up, if you're all done." Then, without waiting for an answer, he grabbed the plates and headed towards the kitchen. Before he left the room he heard the Headmaster make a cheery comment about him being _so helpful_. He rolled his eyes; perhaps he should have just left to start prefect duties instead.

In the kitchen, he scraped off the plates then dumped them into the sink. As he waited for it to fill up with hot water, his eye fell on the knife that was left on the counter, where the Headmaster had been chopping vegetables. He could see his pale, tired face reflected back at him in the shiny surface of the blade. It reminded him that there was one thing, at least, that he was sure Yuki hadn't found out about.

When Zero was fourteen, he had stood in this very room and cut open the artery in his arm with a knife just like that one. The kitchen had been stained crimson that day... he remembered it often, but mostly with a feeling of bitterness regarding his own naivety at the time. Of course it hadn't worked. It took more than a kitchen knife to kill a vampire, after all.

The knife before him now was only a replacement for the one he'd tried to end his life with, but it reminded him of the incident all the same. Back then, the transformation was just beginning to take its toll on him and he hadn't wanted it any more than he did now. He had felt the thirst inside of him and when he caught his reflection in that knife that had been left out, he had _hated_ what he saw.

He hadn't wanted to live, not since the day he had come here. Back then, he wouldn't speak, wouldn't eat, as if he thought that, by denying his existence, he might fade away to nothingness, and his grief stricken heart would grow transparent and soundless – ghostlike. But it didn't work like that and, besides, it had hurt too much. Oh, how it had hurt... And it had kept on hurting and every time that heart beat, it would grow colder – until it was shrouded in ice and he was numb.

Before the numbness, he had felt everything: the loneliness, the growing self-loathing, the excruciating memories. It was too much. Even the feel of that woman's fangs on his neck still lingered, drove him to near madness and to tear at the skin there with his fingernails until they were bloody. He found the physical pain to be a relief; it distracted him – at least a little bit – from his terrible thoughts, until finally, he learned how to shut them out.

That day, he had stared at the knife and the idea had suddenly come to him. He was where he was now because of the choices made by others; everything he had lost had been taken away by another's hands, but now he saw how he could finally take control of his own life, and how he could end his suffering along with it.

He had picked up the knife and looked again at the reflection of his eyes, darkening now, with hatred at what he saw. And suddenly, he had been unable to look any longer; he had raised his arm before him and cut deep. Afterwards, as the knife fell from his sticky fingers to the floor, with a clatter that he didn't even hear, there had been _so much blood,_ but he had been in no state to notice it. Dizzy, he had stumbled back against the kitchen counter and slid down to the floor, where the blood began to pool around him. Barely conscious, there had been one thought in his head: _now, release... finally..._

_...please..._

By the time the Headmaster had found him, the wound had already begun to heal.

A week after that, there was barely even a scar left.

* * *

Yuki entered the kitchen to find Zero already washing up. She watched him for a few seconds. At the table before, she'd been unable to figure out what sort of mood he was in, but she figured that it wouldn't hurt to offer him a bit of help. And, indeed it didn't, for when she asked, he simply grunted at her to, "Go ahead." So she stepped up beside him and quickly got to work drying up.

He was being more tolerant of her, Yuki decided. For the most part, it seemed that he was simply trying to make things easier on himself. It also helped that she was trying her best not to do too much to annoy him.

But that night he had told her he didn't blame her for what happened to him was something different entirely. At first, she had wondered what could make him say such a thing, and had looked for any signs that he was feeling friendlier towards her. But she knew all along that it couldn't be the case, there was simply no reason for him to change his mind about her. After a while, she had realised that it was guilt. He had been ashamed of his actions and that was all.

Still, even if it was just guilt, she couldn't help but feel strangely happy about the fact that he had done something nice for her because of it.

Suddenly she realised something. This was it. This was the very thing she'd been trying to figure out about him since she came here. She'd always felt inexplicably drawn to him, and she had been sure that it was because of something buried deep inside of him that she had only ever managed catch a small glimpse of. But now she thought she might have figured out what it was: his kindness. It was a strange thought, this hostile boy having some form of kindness inside him, but somehow it seemed to fit.

The thought of it filled her heart with hope.

When he muttered something about going to start his prefect duties, she gave him a brilliant smile and told him she'd finish up here. His eyes widened slightly at the smile, and she realised that her cheerfulness must seem rather out of the blue to him, but she continued to grin at him anyway.

After he left, she thought about how she hadn't been trying to get a reaction out of him with that smile, but she couldn't help but feel satisfied with the surprised look on his face when he saw it.

Perhaps they were both starting to see new sides to each other, she thought.

* * *

She was headed towards the living room with a new book to read, when he came back. She greeted him cheerfully and received the usual grunt in reply, but she didn't mind the lack of enthusiasm – she was still in rather a good mood from earlier. She smiled happily at Zero – though, he wasn't looking at her, so her smile was for nothing – and she was just about to enter the living room when she smelled it: the faintest whiff of blood. She saw, as Zero walked past her, a thin line of crimson, contrasting with the pale skin of his hand. It was only a scratch, but for some reason, Yuki found herself murmuring "Oh, you hurt your hand."

Zero turned, wearing a blank look (no difference from usual, there), then pulled back the cuff of his sleeve to look at his bleeding hand. "That...?" he said quietly, "It's nothing. I must have caught it on a branch as I was walking." Apparently, he hadn't even noticed it.

"Oh, right, of course." Yuki felt a little embarrassed about bringing it up, she wasn't sure why she had. "Perhaps you should put something on it..."

Zero gave her a strange look. "It's just a scratch – it'll heal soon."

Yuki stared at the crimson liquid that was drying on the back of his hand, feeling a blush rising on her cheeks. Without responding, she quickly turned and went into the living room, her face hot.

The smell of Zero's blood wasn't completely unfamiliar to her, as she'd been living near him long enough to be used to it. But this was the first time she'd smelled it freshly spilled, and the slightly increased potency of it made her realise something: it was a scent she rather liked.

Yuki was using blood tablets while she stayed here, so that her thirst wouldn't be an issue. So, of course, the scent didn't really bother her physically (other than the silly blushing) but she found herself rather confused and embarrassed about just how _delicious_ it seemed.

Somehow, she was sure that this was something she _really_ shouldn't be thinking about Zero. Oh, dear.

* * *

**I hope you liked the chapter. Please review and tell me what you thought!**

_**(chapter title from a poetic retelling of an unfortunate seduction by bright eyes)**_


	12. There's nothing here that you'll miss

_There's nothing here that you'll miss, I can guarantee you this..._

Time passed and Yuki barely noticed it as it flew past her. Since coming to live at the Academy, she had settled into certain routines, eating meals with Kaien, talking with Yori, playing piano every now and again, reading and listening to music through the night. It didn't sound terribly fascinating, but she never grew tired of it. And she was certain that that had a lot to do with Zero's presence in between these regular events.

During this time, Yuki often tried hard to convince herself that her reaction to the scent of Zero's blood was nothing out of the ordinary for a vampire. But it was no use. When she thought about it, she could barely even recall the smell of Yori or Kaien's blood and in their presence she just didn't notice it. With Zero, it was completely different, she was always aware of it and if she saw him at a time that she hadn't taken her blood tablets, it even tormented her a little. Every time this happened, she prayed that he wouldn't notice. If he ever found out, she was sure that he would hate her for it.

However, after the initial surprise of it, she quickly learned to hide her embarrassment and it simply became one of many things that she had to get used to when it came to living with Zero. In the beginning, she had been so awkward around him, never knowing if something she might do or say would upset him, but the feeling came less and less frequently with time. Fairly early on, Yuki had walked into the kitchen to find Zero sat by himself and, in her awkwardness, she had surprised herself by bluntly asking if she was bothering him. But he had simply rolled his eyes and told her that he didn't care what she did anymore. Though it had seemed less than reassuring at the time, after that Yuki started to relax a little around him. They both seemed to grow more comfortable in each other's presence. Mostly, they sat in silence, opposite sides of the room, Yuki with headphones covering her ears and Zero half-heartedly completing a homework assignment. But they spoke sometimes, if only rarely.

Once Yuki noticed that the book Zero was reading for his literature class was one that she had read herself only a few months ago and rather enjoyed. She was delighted when, upon asking his opinion of it, he actually seemed somewhat willing to discuss it with her. However, she was not so naive that she believed he really enjoyed talking to her about such things; she got the impression that he was simply humouring her for the sake of the peace that had formed between them in them in the last few weeks. But she didn't mind, it was something, at least, that he no longer wanted to fight with her. She was sure that, had they been forced to live in such close quarters from the start, things would not have gone so smoothly.

* * *

There were some elements, though, of living with Zero that continued to upset her. Yuki was sure that he wasn't sleeping. There were enough signs that she had suspected it for a while, but it was confirmed late one night (or early morning, perhaps), when he came and sat with her in the living room, much to her surprise. He said not a word as he entered the room and flung himself down on the couch opposite from her.

As handsome as he was, he looked terrible (though there was something about vampires that enabled them to pull off the sleepless look rather well) – or rather, it was clear that he felt that way. Between this and the other things he had to deal with, Yuki was beginning to feel more worried about him than ever.

"Zero..." she said softly, "You always seem so tired these days... I hear you moving around some nights and now you come here... What's wrong? You don't usually spend time around me if you don't have to." As she said the last sentence she tried to smile, but it faltered as she watched him. His face was trying to retain its usual composure, but she could see the vulnerability peeking through the cracks in his usually impenetrable facade of indifference.

She whispered, "Why don't you sleep at night?"

At first, he was determined to keep up his silence. The look he gave her was meant to tell her that that question was not allowed if she wanted to keep up the small amount of peace they had managed to form between them. But he could feel his defences weakening and, at the back of his mind, he knew it had been a mistake to come out here, because he was beginning to wonder: if the words left his lips and fell upon the ears of another, then would any portion of these tormenting thoughts leave with them? Would it make it all any easier?

It tortured Yuki to watch as his eyes fell away from hers. His silver lashes dropping to brush against his pale cheeks, while his eyebrows drew closer together in an expression of pain... and of terrible sadness.

When he finally spoke, his voice was lower and more vulnerable than she'd ever heard it. To hear him this way was almost scarier than if he'd shouted at her. "When I try to sleep..." he said, "I always see _her_ face."

Yuki's wide eyes were glued to the strangely fragile looking form before her, and her voice trembled slightly as she asked, "Whose face?"

There was a pause before he answered, "...Shizuka Hio."

The pureblood vampire who had killed his family and robbed him of his humanity... Yuki had never been told her name, but it was clear from the hatred that laced Zero's voice when he spoke of her, that this was who he meant.

Yuki couldn't speak, couldn't think of what to say. She continued to stare, almost in horror, at his slumped form. Every inch of him was screaming now of just how broken he was on the inside. What could she possibly say to make this better? There was nothing... words just wouldn't do.

She rose to her feet, her body moving on its own, her mind registering nothing but the fact that she _needed_ to comfort him somehow. But he sensed her moving closer and finally looked up, his eyes had hardened and grown cold again. "Don't," he said as she reached out for him.

She froze, her eyes locked on his. _Don't push me away anymore,_ she thought desperately, _please, I can't stand it._ But she couldn't say it and the look on his face warned her not to come any closer. Tears welled up in her eyes and she fell to her knees before him.

"I hate her," she sobbed finally, there was so much emotion building up inside her that it was difficult to make the words come out. "I know... I know that it's wrong to say it, but I hate her _so much_... I'll never forgive her for what she's done to you."

Zero was staring down at Yuki with wide eyes. The sight of the pureblood abandoning all sense of pride and sobbing on her knees below him shocked him to his very core. He could only watch in stunned silence while she sniffled and tried to hold back the tears.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, wiping her wet cheeks as she tried to compose herself. She tried to laugh at how silly she was being, but her heart just wasn't in it. "I didn't mean to get so emotional... I know it's the last thing you want from me."

It was a few minutes before Zero recovered enough to ask, "Why do you care so much?"

Now it was Yuki's turn to avoid his gaze. How many times had she asked herself the same question? All she had ever been able to muster up in response was that there was just _something_ about him that drew her to him, that she _suspected_ there might be a kind heart buried under all of his hostility. There was no solid reason for any of it. If she told him her thoughts, he'd probably laugh at her – and not in a nice way at all.

"You can't answer? It doesn't make sense, does it? From the beginning, I always thought it was just some little project for you to work on out of boredom, but this... isn't normal. There's no reason for anyone to act like this... because of _me_." He fell silent for a few seconds, as if to give her the chance to speak up if she had any explanation to offer. But she couldn't even bring herself to look at him, how could she try to explain her confused thoughts to him?

Quietly, he continued, "This isn't even the first time I've seen you so upset, I saw you the night I moved back here, with Sayori Wakaba – it's not hard to guess what she was telling you, and even that shouldn't have concerned you so much."

Yuki had had no idea that Zero had known about that, and it surprised her that he had brought it up. Butat least _that_, she knew she could object to. She swung her head around to face him again; her voice came out higher than she intended it to, "I shouldn't have cried because you tried to _kill yourself?_"

He shook his head slowly, his expression growing darker. "You saw what I was like that night... that's all that lies in my future. I could end it all at any time – I'd only be speeding up the inevitable – but why should it matter to you? It's not like I've ever given you any reason to miss me."

"Zero... I wouldn't wish what happened to you on any one. When I met you, how could I not care? How could I not try to help? I want so badly for you to feel better, not to give up. Maybe it's selfish of me, but if you died, I would feel as though I failed you. I would feel so sad, knowing that."

Even as she said it, she knew that it was all rubbish; meaningless words, conjured up to serve as some sort of explanation for something that was entirely unexplainable. What she felt was _so much more_ than that, she was only just beginning to realise... but how could he ever understand, when she couldn't understand it herself? She couldn't bear the thought that Zero wanted to die, couldn't bare it any more than if it had been Kaname who felt that way.

"In that case," Zero said, "You can give up, because nothing is going to change what happened in the past... As for what Wakaba told you, that night, I simply lost sight of my goal. I can't say that it won't happen again, but for now, at least, I don't plan on dying until I've killed Shizuka Hio."

There were so many things she wanted to cry out in protest to that statement, but Zero's face had become impassive again and his tone seemed to indicate that he wasn't planning on opening up to her any more tonight. So Yuki said nothing. She felt that she'd heard enough for now anyway, she didn't think she could take much more at the moment. She pushed away her worries about his 'goal'; there was no point in questioning him about it now. She was beginning to feel sleepy and realised that it must be nearly morning. With a small frown on her features, she stood and excused herself from the room. Though, as much as she tried, she couldn't quite rid herself of her fears regarding Zero's words. As tired as she was, it was a long time before she got to sleep.

* * *

One evening, as she accompanied Yori on her rounds, the female prefect asked Yuki how things were going with Zero. When the two girls had first met, Yuki had often used Yori as a source of information about Zero and it was strange to think of how things had changed now. At this point Yuki knew much more about Zero than she was sure Yori ever would. And there was so much that she simply couldn't tell the human girl. But there were other things now that she didn't think she could tell anyone but Yori.

"Yori, this whole time, I only ever hoped to become friends with him, but now... that doesn't feel as though it would be enough. I know I shouldn't feel as strongly about him as I do, but I can't help it." She added, in a whisper, "I can hardly stop myself from thinking about him."

Yori was regarding her with a look of surprise and for a moment Yuki remembered Zero's own words. He was right; it wasn't normal for her to feel this way. She was making herself look like such a fool. But then, she noticed the small smile playing upon the other girl's lips.

"I'm sorry, Yuki, but it's a surprise for me to hear you say that. I could see from the beginning that you were falling for him. I didn't realise that you weren't aware of it yourself."

Falling for Zero... was that what was happening? She realised that, at the back of her mind, this thought had occurred to her too, but she had always tried to push it away. "Yori... I-I can't feel that way. I just can't... It's too complicated – we're too different!" _More different than I could ever even tell you..._

"I don't know much about Zero, but I imagine that he must be incredibly lonely. Whatever your differences, I'm sure it will be good for him to have you by his side."

_If only it were that simple_, Yuki thought. But there was nothing more she could say on the subject. Whatever Yori thought, there was simply no way Zero could return those sorts of feelings. She wasn't even sure she wanted him to. It was like she said: much too complicated.

In any case, Yori's words gave Yuki a lot to think about.

* * *

But, as for Zero, the passing of time in Yuki's presence seemed to be doing strange things to him too.

He began to notice...

When she listened to music it was almost like she disappeared, she became so absorbed. Sometimes he couldn't help but wonder what it was she heard. Sometimes he would catch himself watching... her eyelids fluttering closed, the slightest movement of her lips...

He hadn't even realised he was doing it.

Once it was her who caught him, their eyes locking over the melody in her ears. She took off her headphones and told him how the song she was listening to always reminded her of her parents.

She told him about how they died when she was six. He wasn't sure, but he thought she might be trying to repay him in some way, because he had finally opened up a little bit to her. She wanted to do the same for him.

She said she was undecided and one part of her thought she was lucky that she had been hidden away and hadn't seen what happened to them. The other part of her would hurt her heart as she fell asleep and she would enter her dreams with tears on her cheeks, because she wished she had been able to say goodbye.

He didn't say anything.

But maybe something clicked inside his brain. Maybe there was a tiny spark somewhere around his heart and it was waiting to ignite...

The beginnings of realisation...

* * *

**A/N: Thank you, so much for the reviews to the last chapter. I feel quite bad that it's taking me longer to update now that more people seem to be reading this. But your reviews are so encouraging, they really make me determined to keep going. I'm afraid my life is going to get much busier from next week onwards and I won't have as much time to write. But I'll try to use whatever free time I have to work on this story. **

**I'd really like to know what you all think about where this story is going and the pace at which it's progressing. I've been trying to get across the idea of Zero being less bothered by Yuki's presence ever since he lost control of his thirst that night. Simply because it made him realise that, in his eyes, he is more of a monster than she is. So he's turning the hate he felt for Yuki in on himself instead. That's kind of what I was thinking, but I'm not sure if I really expressed it well. I was worried that his being nicer to her might seem a bit random... hmm... it's hard to tell how these things will be perceived from a reader's point of view. But then, no one had complained so far, so I suppose it must be okay.**


	13. This thing hurts like hell

**A/N: I am so sorry about the wait for this chapter. I've been working on it slowly, bit by bit for months now and only just found the motivation to finish it off. I hope you like it.**

_**(chapter title from the sea is a good place to think about the future by los campesinos!)**_

* * *

_This thing hurts like hell... but what did you expect?_

Yuki rubbed her sleepy eyes as she stepped out from her room. Winter had approached so quickly, she marvelled at how fast her days at the academy had gone by. How long had she been here now... months, surely? It was strange to think of how long it had been since she last saw her home, and Kaname. She wrote to him sometimes, telling him about the fun she had here at the academy, about the time she spent with Yori and the Headmaster's silly antics. She didn't mention Zero much. She had become rather self conscious about her thoughts regarding that silver haired boy and something always stopped her from bringing up that his name in her letters to Kaname. She tried not to dwell too much on it, but she had a feeling that the way he so often made her feel would not please Kaname at all. It was a thought that made her feel guilty every time it entered her mind and so she did her best to push it away.

She was waking up much earlier than usual, now that the nights were longer. She tried to combat it by going to sleep earlier in the morning, but it still left her bleary eyed and sluggish as she emerged from her room, come evening. Though she wouldn't admit it, she knew that her hurry to get up had a lot to do with wanting to see Zero. She hoped that no one had realised – it was all rather embarrassing. Though, when she thought about it, there really was little hope that no one else had noticed when she'd been so completely obvious about it in the past. She knew that Yori, at least, had been convinced all along that Yuki had some sort of crush on Zero. She blushed at the thought; if only she had noticed herself, and been a bit more subtle.

The faint blush gracing her cheeks darkened when her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a door opening. She turned and saw Zero standing there. He was wearing a coat over his uniform, evidently about to go out.

"Zero... hello," Yuki said, trying her best to appear composed. He'd taken her by surprise as usual. It was really rather ridiculous how often she reacted like this. He'd even sarcastically commented once that, the way she acted, it was like she thought she was the only person living there. But she couldn't help always becoming so deeply lost in her thoughts; it was a habit she had never had much reason to break until now.

He turned, giving her a dark look, "...Hey," he murmured.

Yuki squirmed; she couldn't help it when he looked at her like that. He could be so scary when he wanted to! But he'd greeted her, at least, she noted. Even if he wasn't very good at it, he was _trying_ to be polite. She tried to remember what she'd been about to say... oh, right – the coat. "You're going out already? Curfew's not for another hour, isn't it?"

His gaze was focused on the wall in front of him now, and it was a few seconds before he answered her. "I have... a mission..."

Yuki blinked. "Huh?"

He turned his stormy eyes on her, "For the Hunter's Association. There's a Level E causing trouble in the town near here and there have been reports of people going missing. The Association asked me to take care of it. "

Yuki's eyes widened. She'd become so used to the idea of Zero being a vampire that she'd almost forgotten he was a hunter too. "Wow..." she murmured. "But you're so young... they must really think a lot of you, to send you by yourself."

She peered up at him, noting how tired he looked, how he seemed to have grown thinner in the few months she'd known him - his dreadful situation now seemed to be catching up with him physically. Though he still gave off an intimidating aura, she couldn't help but regard him with a hint of worry.

"I wonder..." said Zero, quietly. "I think they just like to test me every now and again to see if I'm trustworthy – to make sure I haven't gone insane yet."

Her breath caught in her throat a little when he said it. Her eyebrows knitted together and her gaze filled with sadness. His tone was so bitter, so filled with hate for what he was. He never brought up his being a vampire, if he could help it. It took her by surprise that he mentioned it now. "Zero..." she said softly, but there was nothing else to say. She never did know what to tell him.

It was stupid, but suddenly, she didn't want him to go. Of course, she couldn't tell him that, but she was concerned about his physical state. She knew he hadn't been sleeping and she couldn't imagine how much fighting against that terrible thirst must be taking out of him. She wondered what would happen if he got into a difficult situation; would he even _try_ to save himself? Did he value his life that much?

"Look, I've got to go," said Zero. He stepped past her, heading towards the door.

"Let me go with you!" Yuki blurted out the thought as soon as it entered her head, but she quickly realised that it was the best option she had. Chances were, Zero was more than capable of dealing with a Level E vampire, but if he did get himself into trouble then she would have no problem helping him out. A Level E was no match against a Pureblood, even an inexperienced one like her.

Zero stopped and turned, his expression was unreadable, like always, but his answer was blunt, "No."

Yuki decided that if she was going to persuade him, then it would be best not to mention the real reason she wanted to go; she knew he wasn't the sort to ask for help with anything. "You're going to the town," she told him quickly, "I've never been there – I want to see it too."

"Now isn't the time," he said, turning back to the door. He took the handle and pulled it open.

"I'll follow you," she said, trying to sound bolder than she felt. "If you won't take me with you, then I'll just go by myself. You're meant to be looking after me, right? Wouldn't you get in trouble if something happened?"

He looked back at her. "You seriously think I care?" he asked, though, the hint of annoyance in his tone was enough to suggest that he did a little, at least. Maybe.

"Enough, not to leave it to chance, perhaps. It really would be easier just to let me go with you." She stared at him, daring him to defy her reasoning.

And, so he did: "No." He walked out of the door, pulling it closed behind him.

Yuki glared at the spot he'd just left. Why did he always have to be so _stubborn?_ Fighting back her frustration, she looked for her shoes; she could surely catch up with him without a problem. She found her favourite pair of ballet pumps and pulled them onto her small feet. Then she pulled the door open and ran after Zero.

Once she was outside, she instantly wished she'd put on a coat, it was so cold. But she could see Zero walking swiftly ahead of her and didn't want to risk losing him by going back inside. She _had_ been bluffing when she threatened to go by herself; it would be so like her to get lost. She sped after the tall silver haired vampire, calling, as she caught up to him, "Do you have to be such a _jerk_ all the time?" Her breath turned to mist in the icy air around her as she spoke.

"Go back inside," he answered her, in a tone that suggested he couldn't care less about how much of a jerk she thought he was.

"I won't," said Yuki, defiantly.

He suddenly turned on her and said in a voice that barely hid his anger, "You do realise that this is serious, don't you? This isn't another one of your games. This vampire will _kill_ people if I don't kill it first. That's why I'm going – your _boredom_ has nothing to do with it."

It was a little frustrating how he seemed to take everything she did as some frivolous attempt to entertain herself. But she supposed she'd asked for it this time; she decided that it would be better to reveal her real reasons for wanting to go with him. She met his angry eyes with her steady, calm ones and said quietly, "I don't want you to go alone."

She was determined not to back down and she knew now that the unspoken words behind her confession had been heard, and he understood. He continued to glare at her and he didn't have to say a word for her to realise how stupid he thought she was being.

"I don't have time to argue with you..." he said. He had lowered his voice but she could still hear the aggression in it clearly, the threat of it rumbling beneath the calm surface. "But it's fine; if you get into any trouble, at least that should be enough to get you sent back where you came from."

The words sank into her mind slowly and it took a few seconds for her look of calm determination to turn to one of hurt. "I – I won't," she said in a tiny voice and she looked away, feeling embarrassed that he should see how much those words upset her. It shouldn't have hurt that much, surely? With the way she had just behaved, she should have expected it... But, no – she had braced herself for his grumpiness, for anger, but not... not those words. She had thought he'd moved past that.

When she had composed herself enough to peer back up at him, he was already walking away. She fought to keep her face expressionless, but she knew it was useless; if he looked back at her, he'd be able to read her every emotion with ease. He didn't turn though – of course he didn't. She followed behind him as he led her out of the academy grounds.

The silence between them was awful – much colder than in a long time. She hesitated to break it, fearing his response would only upset her more but, when it finally grew too much, she spoke up, quietly, "So, you still feel that way? Nothing's changed in your opinion of me since I came here?"

She watched his back as he walked. He didn't say a word. And for once, it annoyed her. It really did, because she was trying _so hard,_ but he just gave her _nothing_ in return. She walked faster, wanting to catch up with him, wanting to see his face when she spoke to him. "Just _answer_ me!" she cried. She tried to get in front of him, to block his path, but he just stepped around her. As he did, he was frowning, trying not to look at her. "I really thought things were getting better between us."

Though he was now physically only a few steps ahead of her, she suddenly saw how the distance between them was really infinitely more than that. It always had been. How could she have forgotten it? She shivered and felt that the cold around her was made a thousand times harsher by his silence. It froze her in place as he walked away. The emotion rising up inside her was something she had never known before. It was like the loneliness she had often known in the past, but so much worse. The sadness had made itself known physically in the way her chest had tightened and the way it grew tighter, more painful, with every step he took away from her. How had she let things get this far – to the point where the thought of him rejecting her hurt this badly?

"Please," she whispered, "Tell me things are getting better." She heard in her voice, how her shameful desperation had escaped with that whisper and she knew had given away more of herself than she ever meant to. It wasn't just about his pain now, she was asking for _him_ to comfort _her_. The hopelessness of that request almost broke her heart.

The misery, which seemed to have come from nowhere, was so much she thought she might drown in it. On some level she knew it was stupid that she felt this way, but that knowledge didn't lessen the feeling any. It crowded her senses and she bowed her head, pressed her hands over her eyes, wanting to shut it all out and fade away to nothing. And because of this, she didn't see when he finally stopped. But she heard his voice, as he softly uttered, "I speak to you, don't I?"

Yuki's body loosened slightly. The words he spoke were simple, but Yuki sensed that he meant a lot by them, even if he couldn't or, more likely, wasn't prepared to make it as obvious as she could. Just to be sure, she asked, "That's all you can tell me?"

When he answered 'yes', she finally let her hands fall fully away from her face and looked up at him. He had turned to face her and she searched his expression, wanting to be sure she understood. She realised that he didn't hate her presence. Not anymore. But because of who she was, who he was, anything more would have to remain unspoken. If it existed at all.

Her misery subsided, but not entirely. Though this was the most hope he had ever given her, she had never been more aware of the distance between them. That alone, hurt enough.

Silence stretched out between them once again, but neither of them moved. The realisation of the extent of her recent feelings had left Yuki feeling slightly shaken and uncertain of what to do now. Her first thought was that to continue onwards with him now, after what had just passed between them, was too much. She had to force herself to remember the reason she followed him in the first place. She couldn't let him get hurt, no matter what.

As she told herself this, she noticed that he was looking at her. And she could tell that this time when he looked, he was seeing more than usual. His eyes, which usually glazed over her quickly, before settling on something else, now seemed to be boring right into her skin. He was, for the first time, really seeing her, but the circumstances were all wrong. She was too confused, too vulnerable right now and she didn't want him to see these emotions. Everything he was seeing at this moment was exactly what she wanted to keep hidden. She wished that he would stop looking.

"We should go," she murmured and slowly he turned his eyes away from her. Then he started forwards, towards the town.

He could hear her footsteps as she trailed behind him and the discomfort she was feeling was something she didn't know how to hide, so it simply hung in the air between them. As he walked, he tried to focus on what he was about to do, knowing it would be foolish to go into a fight with a distracted mind. But he was having difficulties getting his thoughts to settle down. He was a little annoyed at himself for having spoken up before, when he had been so determined not to and he was not entirely sure what had made him do it. He knew that the suffering he had heard in her voice should not have affected him so.

In truth Zero felt just as uncomfortable as Yuki did. He had heard everything in that whispered sentence, all of the pain and the loneliness and the confusion. He wished now that he could unhear it. Not for the first time since meeting her he wondered what he could possibly have done to generate such strong feelings in this girl. To his mind, it made no sense. Something had changed now in the way she saw him and pity just didn't cover it anymore. Her silly protectiveness was no longer the light-hearted game he had always assumed it to be. And then there was what had just happened... He had seen her cry so many times, but never before had he seen her so sad for herself. There was no doubt in his mind now that her feelings were genuine. He knew that she wasn't such a good actress that she could pretend something like this. But the thought didn't bring him any comfort; it disturbed him that she felt so strongly.

But before, when he had spoken... He had _meant_ to ignore her and keep ignoring her, but having heard that sentence and everything that had been revealed with it, even his cold heart couldn't ignore it. So he had spoken and he had given her what little he could.

They were walking now at a slow pace towards the town and Zero thought about how annoying it was that such things had been brought up at a time like this. If he could have he would have liked to leave his thoughts behind him as he walked and simply concentrate on the task ahead. Though, if her silence was any indication, he didn't think she had any intention of doing the same. It didn't matter though; as long as she kept out of his way, whatever she was thinking was of no concern to him. He walked on.

Yuki trailed behind him and wished she could make herself appear even half as composed as Zero did. Though it often frustrated her, at the moment she envied how he always managed to hide his feelings so well. What must he think about how easily she became emotional around him? Did she even need to ask, though? He'd said himself that he didn't think it was normal. She thought she knew him well enough to assume that he would have reacted more or less the same way to anyone who claimed to care about him. He didn't think he deserved it, that much was obvious. But in her case she knew that part of it was because he hated her kind on principle. He didn't want her to feel this way. He didn't want anything other than for her to leave him alone. She wondered if he was beginning to understand now how that was impossible for her.

She had been walking with her eyes cast downwards, noticing the patches of ice on the ground that hadn't thawed during the day. Now she raised her eyes up towards the boy in front of her. No, there was no sign from him of how what had just passed had affected him. Perhaps it hadn't really affected him at all. Perhaps he didn't care and all of this speculation was for nothing and would only lead to further disappointment.

She kept her eyes on him, her thoughts becoming more relentless by the minute until a distant scream cut through the silence, making her questions of what Zero thought of her seem suddenly less important.


	14. It's not something I would recommend

_It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live..._

The both of them froze upon hearing it. They had both thought that they wouldn't have to look for the Level E until they reached the town, but, though they were several more minutes walk away from even the first few buildings, the scream could hardly be ignored. Neither of them thought it could be a coincidence to hear someone screaming while they were looking for a Level E vampire. And any doubts they might have had about that were easily disproved by the malevolent presence they both could feel from the woods nearby – the very woods that the scream had originated from.

Yuki looked over at Zero and it occurred to her that, for him not to have noticed something like that already, he must not have been nearly as focused on his task as she had assumed he was. But he was clearly alert now, and was looking with narrowed eyes into the mass of trees. Without turning to her, he muttered, "Stay quiet and try to do something about that aura of yours – it will give us away in no time."

His obvious annoyance at her and at himself only added to the general air of menace he had adopted upon hearing that scream. It was enough to stop her from pointing out that she wasn't sure how to even go about hiding her pureblood aura. It seemed, however, that he wasn't intending to stick around to see that she did as she was told. She stayed in place as she watched him run off towards the trees. Then she decided that she had better try doing what he said.

She felt for the power that she knew surrounded her and, not knowing what else to do, she tried to draw it into herself. It seemed to work well enough, as far as she could tell, but, since Zero had run off, she couldn't be sure. Once she had contained the power, she simply held it there and hoped that would do. It was an awkward feeling, but one she could live with. She followed Zero into the woods.

It was dark amongst the trees where the light from the newly risen moon couldn't reach them. But that didn't bother Yuki; her eyes were naturally adapted for the darkness and she could make out each tree easily. She saw that Zero was a little way ahead of her, moving more slowly now that they were closer to what they were looking for.

It wasn't long before he stopped and Yuki knew he'd found the source of the scream. She walked up quietly behind him and saw that they had come to a small clearing and that, at the opposite side from where they stood, was what could only be the Level E they had been searching for.

The vampire had his back to the both of them, seemingly too intent on his prey to have noticed them. Slumped against a tree, beneath him, was a girl. Yuki couldn't see her face because of the way the vampire was leaning over her, but she could tell from the terrified whimpers she was making that she was conscious.

Yuki's lips had parted slightly in silent horror while her eyes had widened considerably. It was only now that the reality of the situation had hit her. Her thoughts before had only been of looking after Zero, she had given hardly any thought to what it was that he was going to fight. Before her now was a Level E, a crazed killer, the lowest of her kind and for good reason. She had never seen one before, but she felt it was an experience she could have quite happily lived without.

She hadn't seen his face but the way he was leaning over that girl – not biting her, not yet, but drawing out the moment, toying with her – disturbed her. She hadn't prepared herself to see something like that. Even after her months at the Academy, and all she had seen there, she was still the sheltered little princess she had always been. She didn't want the Level E to turn around; she didn't want to see his face. This sight, the way he was kneeling so possessively over the girl's cowering body, was horrible enough. She didn't want to see his eyes; she was scared of the madness she might see there.

But, despite this, Yuki's eyes stayed glued to the sight before her and she didn't even think to look at what Zero was doing until she heard the soft click of him turning the safety off his gun. Then she turned quickly and saw him, arm stretched out, gun in hand and aiming at the Level E.

Yuki didn't even think; she whispered fiercely, "Zero, wait. What if you hit the girl?"

She had thought she'd said it quietly, but obviously it hadn't been quietly enough. The Level E's head turned around so that they could see one gleaming red eye, narrowed in annoyance at them. Then, before Yuki even had time to react to the sight she had so desperately wanted to avoid seeing, he manoeuvred the girl so that they were stood with her in front of him, her back pressed against him, one of his arms wrapped around her waist and arms so she couldn't try to push him off, while the other hand was clutching her throat in a threatening manner. He had taken Yuki's warning and used it against them, by using the poor girl as a shield.

But the Level E, rather than talking to them, turned his attention back to his prey. He brought his face down close to her ear and said quietly, "My dear, all of that racket you were making has attracted unwanted visitors. The girl only whimpered in response and Yuki felt anger swell up inside her. What kind of beast would do this to someone? She had always known that this sort existed. It was a basic part of vampire history, but those things had all seemed so far away before. Nothing more than a story in some dusty old text book. After all, she hadn't seen what happened to her parents, she had only forced some of the story out of Kaname later. She had continued on in her protective bubble of ignorance, learning about what it was to lose a loved one, but not about the causes of such things. It was hard for her to believe that anyone could act in such a disgraceful way.

She wasn't sure what she was thinking, but she was suddenly determined to help the poor girl. She began to move forward, but before she had taken more than one step, she felt a hand on her shoulder, holding her back. She turned to look once more at Zero and saw his clear irritation with her. "Haven't you helped out enough?" he asked her. Sheepishly, Yuki remembered her place as an unwanted observer and stepped back. Zero could handle this. She watched as he aimed his gun again and the Level E finally looked up and spoke to Zero in his distorted voice, "Ah, ah! You don't want to hit this girl do you?" He was smirking in a way that made Yuki feel sick.

Zero replied coolly, "You think I'm such a bad shot?" and he fired.

But the level E had already moved away, laughing as he dragged the sobbing girl with him. The bullet hit a tree after zooming past the exact spot the Level E's head had been an instant earlier.

The Level E had left the clearing and it would have surprised Yuki if Zero was able to get a decent shot from this distance. They could still see the Level E, but he was obscured through the trees. He had gone back to ignoring them and was murmuring something to the girl that Yuki didn't catch. And she watched in horror as, right in front of them, his face moved closer and closer to the girl's neck.

It happened quickly, too fast for Zero to run forward and stop the vampire with his own hands. Though they both started forwards, all they could do in the end was watch as he sank his fangs into her neck. At first Yuki's mind couldn't quite process what she was seeing. Then she smelt the blood and heard the girl screaming and thrashing against him and she knew.

And in her horror, she forgot about the little ball of energy she was holding inside her, the aura she hadn't been entirely sure how to conceal. Without meaning to, she let it go and felt it go flying into place, radiating from her body. It was enough to make the Level E stop what he was doing. He looked up, eyes darting to her. They were the same colour as the blood dripping from his lips.

She wondered if he would run, having sensed that he was in the presence of someone much more powerful than himself. She knew that it was a natural instinct in vampires for them to fear Purebloods. It was an instinct that Zero seemed to be immune to, however, and he would surely be mad at her for scaring off his target.

But the vampire didn't move. He kept his monstrous eyes on her for a few drawn out seconds and then he let the girl drop and turned towards Yuki. He began to move forwards, hesitant at first, then faster.

He had been far enough away that Yuki had time to wonder why she wasn't hearing gunshots now that the girl was no longer in the way, but as she turned to Zero, she realised what had happened. The smell of the girl's blood had filled the clearing and while Yuki was strong enough to be unfazed by it, Zero certainly wasn't. He was still staring at the spot where the girl now lay huddled on the ground. His eyes were wide, but not yet the awful red she had seen them before. He was distracted by the blood, but managing to control himself. She called his name. And that was all it took for him to compose himself.

When Zero turned his attentions back to the Level E, he was only halfway across the clearing towards them. Quicker than Yuki had ever seen Zero move, he raised his gun and fired several shots at the crazed vampire. They hit and the Level E turned to dust.

A moment passed in silence before Yuki turned again to Zero. The hand that was still holding the gun now hung limp at his side. He was staring at the pile of dust that was now all that remained of the Level E. Yuki herself had had to look away. She had no doubt that there had been no other possible fate for that vampire that did not involve endangering the lives of others, but it unsettled her to have witnessed the death first hand. She simply wasn't used to this sort of thing.

She stepped closer to Zero and whispered his name.

But he wouldn't look at her. Maybe he hadn't heard her, or maybe he was just acting that way, Yuki wasn't sure, but she didn't like the way he was keeping his eyes fixed on the dusty pile on the floor. There was a frown of anger appearing on his forehead.

"Zero... it's okay. You did it," she tried to make her voice as bright as she could, but there was a little part of her that was scared that he was going to shout at her for interfering before. When he turned to her, though, she could see that little crease between his eyebrows, but she wasn't sure that that was what was on his mind after all. His expression was too distant for his anger to be directed at her. Though it troubled her, she did her best to appear encouraging. She gave him a big brilliant smile and watched as slowly the anger drained from his expression, but the look that took its place was one of sadness. Yuki's heart ached to see him make a face like that. His eyes fell away from hers and her smile lost its brilliance.

Of course, she thought, of course he would react like this, after letting the scent of blood distract him from what he was supposed to be doing. She didn't blame him – she couldn't – she merely felt very sad for the things that he had to go through. She had to forgive him for it, because she didn't think he would be able to forgive himself.

"Hey," she whispered and he wasn't looking at her, but she reached out and took his hand to make up for it. It seemed to her like a bold move and she expected him to pull away, but the hand just stayed there. She knew that if she let go it would simply fall back to his side as if it had really been there all along. The thought of it made her sadder still, but it didn't matter, she told herself; it wasn't important right now. She lightly squeezed his fingers and tried to force back the quiet thrill that, after so long, she could finally feel that hand, warm in hers. "Don't look like that," she continued gently and when he still said nothing, she added so, so softly, "Come on... I believe in you."

A few quiet seconds passed and then he finally moved. He pulled his fingers slowly away from hers, turned from her and said in a low voice, "The girl..."

Yuki nodded even though he wasn't looking. She hadn't exactly forgotten about the girl, it was more that her instinct had a way of telling her that Zero was in just as much need of being looked after as anyone might be. If he knew that she thought that then she didn't think that he would be very pleased about it, but then she had no intention of telling him. Right now though, she realised that whatever it was she needed to say to Zero, would have to come later, because the girl was their priority at the moment.

"Right, okay..." Yuki murmured. She balled her fingers into a fist to make up for the emptiness she felt there now.

* * *

_**(chapter title from lua by bright eyes)**_


	15. If you only knew the lengths I'd go to

_If you only knew the lengths I'd go to..._

They made their way across the clearing, but Zero stopped a few feet away from where the girl still lay. Yuki carried on into the trees. She knew better than to ask what he would have done if she hadn't followed him earlier. She was simply thankful that she had done.

The girl was in shock, not unconscious, Yuki noted as she knelt down beside her. Her neck was still bleeding a little and Yuki wondered if there was something she could cover it with, if only for Zero's sake.

"Hey," she murmured, speaking in a tone not too different from the one she had used with Zero a minute ago. "It's okay, he's gone now. You're safe."

There were still tears rolling down the girl's face as she looked up at Yuki. There wasn't much in the way of understanding displayed on her features.

"Do you want to sit up?" Yuki asked.

The girl moved slowly, as if she was having trouble getting her limbs to do what she wanted them too, Yuki reached out to steady her, helping her into a sitting position. "Do you have anything I can put on your neck?" Yuki asked, but the girl's only response was to slowly reach up and touch the wound, feeling the wetness there she then looked at her bloodstained fingers in what Yuki could only guess was disbelief. It seemed she was really having a hard time coming to terms with what had just happened.

"It's okay," Yuki said again, "we'll get you something for your neck later."

Yuki glanced over to Zero, meaning only to check on him, but once her eyes fixed on him, it was difficult to look away. He had moved to lean against a tree, not far from them, but not too close. He stood with his arms folded in front of him and was facing away from the two girls, staring straight ahead with the same blank look in his eyes that Yuki must have seen a hundred times by now. At first glance it might have seemed that he had regained his usual composure. He had that air of cold indifference about him, like this was just another job, and Yuki was just playing a completely normal part in it. But of course she looked closer and she saw the way he was tensed; the smell of the girl's blood was bothering him and Yuki could see the effort it took him to control himself.

Yuki felt such a surge of affection for Zero that it took her by surprise. It must have been so hard for him, but she he wouldn't ever let himself give in, no matter what it took out of him to keep fighting.

After a few seconds Yuki realised that the girl was trying to say something. She turned back towards her and the girl looked directly at her for the first time. "My friend..." she whispered with a voice that was croaky from crying and screaming. "H-he took her... I don't know if she got away or..." The worry written all over the girl's tear streaked face was enough to finish the sentence for her.

"She's in the forest somewhere...?" Yuki asked and the girl nodded, and then added quietly, "At least, I think so..."

Yuki didn't want to waste time asking any more questions, she turned to Zero, "We have to find her."

Zero was looking at her now. "I'll go," he said simply. Then he addressed the girl, "The place that you saw her last... was it near here?"

"I... I'm not sure... Yes... I think it must be close."

Without responding, Zero headed off to search the surrounding area for any sign of the other girl.

"Don't worry," Yuki murmured to the girl, "Zero will find her." She had no idea whether she was telling the truth or not.

Yuki noticed that it was finally sinking in for the girl that she had been rescued, and she was slowly coming out of her state of shock.

"I am worried..." The girl whispered. "He didn't get me so badly, he just scared me, really... b-but I think he really hurt her. She was still conscious before, but she was bleeding..."

"He bit her?" Yuki couldn't keep the alarm out of her voice. The girl nodded, seeming even more worried by Yuki's reaction.

"Do you think she'll be okay?" she asked.

Yuki hesitated, then reasoned, "If she's badly hurt, then Zero will be able to find her, and if she was well enough to go so far that he can't find her, then that can only be a good sign."

But of course that wasn't why Yuki was so worried. She tried to console herself by remembering how well Zero had been controlling himself before; surely nothing too awful could happen...

Looking at the girl, she could see that she sensed Yuki's worry and that it only increased her own. Yuki decided it was best to keep talking and to find out as much as she could. "How did you and your friend get separated, anyway?"

"We both work in a cafe in town... we were on our way home when he found us." The girl hesitated, and Yuki didn't blame her for finding it difficult to talk about. She waited patiently for her to continue. "He brought us both into the woods, but he attacked my friend first... He just sort of threw me aside then and I suppose I should have ran and tried to get help, but I didn't want to leave her. He was biting her, like you said, and I tried so hard to get him to stop, but he was really strong. He must have barely noticed what I was doing.

"And then, when he had finished what he was doing, he just let her fall to the ground. I knew she wasn't dead because she was trying to get up. She was terribly weak, but she was moving... Then I realised he would go for me next and the second he looked at me, I couldn't help but run. I don't think I got very far away, I only made it to here."

The tears had come back to the girl's eyes and Yuki was once again struck by the horrors that went on around her that she had been protected from since birth. It sickened her, that there were beings like that Level E who killed for the fun of it. It was worse that they had all been created by her own kind, the Purebloods. No wonder Zero had hated her at the beginning, after everything he had been through both as a hunter of vampires and as a victim of one.

Zero... She suddenly realised that something was wrong. Zero was still close enough that she could sense his presence without much difficulty, but there was something wrong with it. She had felt something like this before, that night when she had seen his face twisted in agony in the darkened hallway of the headmaster's residence.

"Oh, no!" Yuki jumped to her feet, her eyes wide with terror. She forgot completely about trying to keep the girl from worrying about her friend. "Oh, no, oh no!" she barely even looked at the girl as she told her, "Stay here! I've got to find Zero."

Then she ran. She knew she would find him easily; she had never been so aware of his presence as she was now. She continued to run until she saw him. He was at the bottom of a sloped area, which was why he hadn't been visible from where she had been sitting before.

He was on his knees, doubled over. Despite his usual tallness she couldn't help but think he looked so small, surrounded by the enormity of the trees. As she drew closer to him, she confirmed that it was indeed just like that time before – those ragged breaths, the hands clutching at his throat, his face displaying so much pain that she almost couldn't bear to look at it.

When she finally reached him, she knelt down at his side. "Oh, Zero. I'm so sorry."

He turned his head just a fraction to look at her, his eyes now displaying clearly the thirst he felt. "She's... over there..." It was a struggle for him just to get the words out. Yuki looked around her and saw what she'd missed before: the bloodstained girl was slumped against a nearby tree. She was very badly hurt, but still alive. Yuki could smell it herself now; how her blood filled the air so much more than her friend's had. She was covered in the stuff.

"I'll take her back to the academy," Yuki said to Zero, "and make sure she's alright. And then I'll come back for you." She put her hand on his shoulder gently, "Everything will be fine, I promise." She felt as if she was trying to comfort herself just as much as she was him. But Zero didn't seem to be taking any notice of her words. In fact, she realised that he was staring right past her. Yuki turned automatically and saw that the first girl was now standing just a few feet behind her, her horrified eyes locked on Zero. Concerned for her friend, she had followed Yuki, without her realising.

"He's one too," she said in a terrified whisper. "He's a monster, like that man!"

They were the words of a girl who had been through a terrifying ordeal, but somehow Yuki couldn't bring herself to forgive her for speaking them out loud. She glared at the girl – the hand that was resting on Zero's shoulder now seemed to have a more protective manner about it. "Do _not_ speak about Zero like that," Yuki said fiercely, "He saved your life."

She might have said more, if Zero himself hadn't spoken again. "Just... get them... away from here."

Yuki realised that at the moment there were more important things to be done than defending Zero from the words of a scared girl. She nodded, "I will. Just please hold in there Zero."

She rose to her feet and stepped over to the unconscious girl. She placed one of the girls limp arms around her shoulders while wrapping her own arm around her back to support her. She stood, lifting the girl with her, but she was heavy under Yuki's small frame. "Help me," she called to the other girl, who was stood in the same place as before. She hadn't taken her eyes of Zero, though it seemed that he was doing his best not to pay attention to her. "Hey!" Yuki called again, "Come here and support her other side."

She looked up at Yuki and hesitated for a minute. Being told off like that had made her wary, but in the end it was concern for her friend that won and she ran over to where Yuki stood to help.

Yuki loathed leaving Zero here, but could see no other way around the situation. How else could she be sure that the girls got to safety? She would simply have to hope that once the source of his discomfort was removed, he would start to feel better. She stole one last glance at Zero then began to lead the way out of the woods.

* * *

Almost an hour later Yuki was stood outside the door of the school infirmary while the headmaster looked down at her with concern in his eyes.

She had managed to get both girls there without any trouble (though there had been a lot of wondering why it was a school they were headed to and not a hospital, which Yuki wasn't entirely sure how to explain). And after Yuki had found the headmaster and explained what had happened – automatically leaving out why exactly Zero had been unable to bring the girls back himself – the two girls had had their memories erased.

Yuki had been restless the entire time she stood in the infirmary, answering the headmaster's questions about what had happened in the woods. She responded politely, as always, but the entire time her mind was on Zero and how she had left him. So as soon as she saw her opportunity, she hastily excused herself and left the room. But the infirmary door had only just closed behind her when it opened again and she heard the headmaster tell her to wait.

Now she was trying to avoid his gaze while he was speaking to her seriously, asking the question she had most wanted to avoid.

"Yuki, what happened to Zero?"

She couldn't look up, and a sad little frown appeared on her face. She couldn't possibly say it, she thought, _let him figure it out himself, because there's no way I can say the words out loud._

But even if the headmaster already knew - and Yuki suspected that he did – he seemed to be waiting for her to confirm it.

"Please don't make me say it," she whispered, "You saw the state that girl was in, surely you realise what's happened."

"Where is he?"

This question was easier to answer. "I left him in the woods." She looked up, finally. "Please let me go, I have to help him."

Though Yuki wanted so much for the headmaster to say yes, she couldn't blame him for looking very unhappy about the request. It was a bad idea, a selfish one. It would have been a thousand times wiser for the headmaster to look after Zero, but the trouble was that she couldn't stand not knowing. She simply couldn't wait here while he...

She remembered the last time – remembered the torturous hour she had spent by herself with the image of his agonised expression imprinted on her memory. How she had hoped he would be okay, but had no way of knowing. She couldn't do it again. Just to leave him before in the woods was already more than she could stand.

"It's a difficult situation," the headmaster said gravely, "as his guardian, of course it's important that I look after him... but that girl needs to go to a hospital. There are a lot of things I need to sort out... Yuki, I'm worried that if I let you go in my place, your emotions will affect how you handle the situation. I wonder if Zero is best left alone for now..."

Yuki understood why he said it. He had not meant to be disrespectful – she knew that she had given him enough reason to think that she would have trouble controlling her emotions where Zero was concerned and while under normal circumstances he would have refrained from saying it out of politeness, this was an occasion that called for simple, brutal honesty. But though she understood his concerns, Yuki had to disagree with his last statement. Feeling determined to show that she could think rationally, she said as calmly as she could manage, "If he was here – if he was in his room, I mean – I could understand why that might be the case... but not while he's out there. We can't leave him when we don't even know if he's alright."

The headmaster stared at her with worried eyes. It seemed an age to Yuki before he sighed and responded, "If you go, Yuki, it is important that you keep a level head, no matter how bad the situation seems – and even if he does something to upset you."

Yuki nodded, "I understand... and I can handle it. I promise, you don't have to worry about me"

She hesitated for a second incase there was anything more that he wanted to say, but he only continued to watch her with the same worried gaze.

"I should go then... I don't want to leave him any longer."

Then she turned and ran.

* * *

It was hard to believe how much had happened in just one night - and it wasn't even over yet. How far away those moments of moping over what Zero thought of her seemed now (and how foolish her own worries seemed in comparison what he was going through). Now she ran out once more into the night, ignoring the cold air as it snatched at her speeding figure. Now that the girls were safe, the sole focus of her thoughts was Zero. Her mind had begun to torture itself with thoughts of what sort of state she might find him in. She felt the urgent need to get back to him increase with every step she took.

But she couldn't think like this, she remembered. Though she felt she would have said anything for the headmaster to let her leave before, she realised that she couldn't ignore his advice. It wasn't fair on Zero for her to go after him in a state of panic. If she was to help him, then she would have to stay calm.

She slowed then came to a complete stop in the middle of the academy grounds and took a deep breath of the icy air to relax herself. She simply had to stop thinking so negatively. After all, he had had plenty of time to calm down. Surely he couldn't be in as bad a state as when she left him.

It was as she considered this that she realised something. As she ran before, all she had been able to concentrate on had been Zero. He had filled her mind, so it had seemed natural that it was as if she could feel him also. But now that she had calmed herself slightly, she realised that it hadn't simply been her imagination, his presence was all around her. There was no doubt of it; he had made it back to the school grounds.

She felt a small rush of relief, knowing that he had been well enough to make it this far. She set her mind to pinpointing his location.

Despite the large number of people nearby, it was easy enough to do. Even without the certain level of darkness she could feel from him – which stood out by miles from the hundreds of human auras around – she would have known him anywhere. It took only a few seconds for her to figure out which direction he'd headed in.

He hadn't gone back to his room, as she might have previously assumed. Nor was he outside. It seemed that he had headed for one of the buildings on the outskirts of the school. She began to make her way past the empty classrooms, towards it. Yuki wasn't sure what time it was, but it seemed that Yori had performed her prefect duties alone already. She hoped that Yori was safely back in her room, she didn't want to think about what would happen if the other girl saw Zero in his current state.

Yuki had now made it past the main building and she could see the place she was looking for – she realised now that it was the stables. She stood still now, just looking at it and thinking. There was no doubt in her mind that this was where he was – out of the way of the dorms, where he couldn't hurt anyone.

She still felt that sense of urgency, niggling away at her, but there were other things now that she had to worry about as well. She wanted to be sure that she could keep a cool head. She stopped so that she could make sure that all her calmness would not go flying out the window once she saw him. She wanted to mentally prepare herself for what she might find. So she took one last moment to brace herself, and then she stepped forward, towards the stables.

* * *

_**(chapter title from adventure . exe by final fantasy)**_


	16. Love, just like blood, will always stain

_And love, just like blood, will always stain_

There was a disturbing atmosphere emanating from the building before her. As she stepped hesitantly forward she felt how the night changed around her, became something darker. As if the pain she could sense from Zero alone wasn't enough, she could hear the horses shaking and stamping; their agitation obvious from even outside the stable. Zero's presence in his current state was terrifying them. She felt pity for the creatures as she entered and looked around, but it was Zero's sullen form her eyes glued themselves to instantly. He was slumped at the far end of the building. His eyes were shut, but Yuki didn't think he was sleeping.

His breathing had calmed and he was lying back against the wall rather than hunched over like before. The only suggestion of any inner struggle from his appearance was the way his fists were clenched at his sides and the way his face wasn't quite relaxed. He looked sick, she thought; his skin was pale and clammy, his body weak. The worst of it, though, was not what she could see, but what she could feel. The thing that was scaring the horses so badly... There was something inside of him – something that was usually tightly under control, something awful... and it was struggling like hell to escape.

Yuki sucked in a few unsteady breaths while reminding herself once more about remaining calm. Then she walked slowly forwards, stopped a few feet away from him and sat down.

His eyes opened then and focused on her. She wondered if he had been expecting her to come, but he gave no sign of it, nor any of surprise.

She watched him quietly and for all her telling herself to be calm, she had forgotten to tell herself what to say. Words, questions flared up inside her mind but died away before they could reach her tongue – nothing seemed appropriate for the situation.

It was Zero, to her surprise, who broke the silence. With a laugh, of all things – a hollow and bitter sound that must have been painful to make, but it seemed he was past caring about such things.

"What are you looking at me so expectantly for? You're waiting for something?" The look he gave her was harsh, but the hatred contained within it was not directed at her. This time he was keeping it all for himself.

She answered him softly, "I was trying to come up with the best way to ask how you're feeling... but nothing seems appropriate."

"How I'm feeling...?" his head lowered as he trailed off and his eyes became hidden beneath his silver hair as it fell forward. "What does it matter?" he murmured.

There was a certain weight to his words that Yuki had never heard from him before and she found she couldn't answer. After a moment, Zero continued anyway. "I think... it's all almost over now anyway."

"Almost... over?" Yuki frowned at him as she tried to make sense of his words and tried to place his strange tone. That heaviness... it was so tangible, she could feel it in her limbs, weighing her to the spot as she watched him. But of course he didn't elaborate. He was silent for such a long time and Yuki's heart contracted painfully because she had never seen him looking so miserable.

She whispered, "What happened before couldn't be helped. I don't blame you for it – in fact I admire you for being able to stay so strong, even though –"

"Don't patronise me." He didn't say it loudly, but the way his eyes blazed showed his anger at her attempt to console him. His sudden change in mood took Yuki by surprise. "My position right now may be pretty low, but that doesn't mean I suddenly want your pity."

Yuki could only stare in alarm at him, struck silent by the deadly edge to his words. However, it seemed that his anger had only intensified the thirst he was feeling. She watched in dismayed silence as he clutched once more at his throat while the pained look returned to his face. His head dropped and the silence continued until he had managed to get himself back under control. When he finally spoke again, it was in a voice saturated with bitterness, "I know there was nothing admirable about my behaviour. What happened to that girl meant nothing to me. I simply didn't want to give in to becoming what I hate."

Under other circumstances, Yuki might have felt inclined not to believe him, but at this moment, she wasn't about to debate whether or not he was telling the truth – she didn't care.

She spoke in a low voice, "I suppose I'm not really surprised that you don't believe it yourself, but I meant it anyway. I can't see you in any other way than admirable. I saw a different side to you tonight – not the vampire side, but the side of you that would fight through intense pain to uphold what you believe in."

She refused to look at him while she spoke, because if he didn't believe her then she didn't want to see that. Saying the words out loud only made her feel more strongly about it; he didn't deserve this curse that had been placed upon him. Whenever people came into contact with Zero, they all saw the same things – that he was grumpy and cold and full of hatred... and then there were the things that only Yuki and the headmaster knew: how he had been broken at an early age and his situation had never allowed him to heal from it, so everything had only got worse over time. But underneath all of this there was something that only someone who took the time to look closely would see: that he was good. The way he fought so hard against what he was becoming proved it. And so did the look on his face when she had held his hand earlier. No one who was as bad as Zero made himself out to be could have made that face.

Now she was beginning to realise more than ever what he was going through and just how strong he would have to be. She remembered those emotionless looks of his and wondered how he could keep it all inside. How could something so awful be contained like that? He must be _terrified_ of what was going to happen to him. It wasn't just the memories of his past or the hatred in his present... What was happening to him must be really, truly scary.

She had never wanted him to suffer again, but that was all that lay in his future... if she didn't help him.

She looked back up at him finally and saw his slumped form, how his breathing had slowed again, but still wasn't quite relaxed. He always looked so hostile and unfriendly, but underneath that he was sad and tired and afraid.

And she loved him.

In reality it was horribly complicated and the full implications of the feelings she suddenly understood would not occur to her until later. But in that moment it came to her as something very simple: she loved him and she knew she would give anything she had, if only it would make him feel better. She only wished that the solution she had didn't come at a cost for _him_.

He sat there still and she moved towards him. That heaviness that had penetrated her limbs made her movements slow and clumsy, but it was her new understanding that gave her the strength to move. She saw him raise his head and noticed the look in his eyes warning her to stay away, but this time she ignored it. She felt his whole body stiffen as she wrapped her arms around him, pulling him tight against her.

She wasn't ready for the way the smell of him would fill her senses. Her head reeled from it and it took a few seconds for her to get used to it. She found it hurt to be so close to him and to want to taste his blood so much, but she didn't mind. It made her feel closer to him; like she was sharing his pain.

She wasn't sure if she had expected him to push her away, but he didn't. He stayed the same; frozen in place. Perhaps it was shock that kept him from shoving her away from him. She wondered when the last time someone had held him was, and she would not have been surprised if this was the first time since his parents had been killed.

She clutched at him, pressing her face against his neck, deepening the torture she felt. The scent of him seemed to be invading every inch of her body and never had she known how it felt to want something so badly. How fitting that this was the one thing she knew she couldn't have. She was glad that he couldn't see her face and couldn't tell that her eyes were now probably the same shade of red as his. Her fangs ached to release the blood she could feel pumping through the artery in his neck. She had never been tested like this before, but she would not fail. She would make up for the strength she was going to ask him to forsake.

He had remained silent and immobile for such a long time that she was surprised when he spoke before she did, though to be fair, in her current position it had been hard for her to concentrate on much else than the unfamiliar thirst building up inside her. On some level, however, she had noticed that his breathing had started to grow quicker and shallower before he spoke. He said, his voice strained, "You should really... let go now."

She had pressed her mouth into a tight line to make it all easier for her, but now she knew she needed to speak. She drew back ever so slightly, while still holding on to him. She worried that he would use the opportunity to slip away, but he was still. She let out a slow, shuddering breath and hoped that it wouldn't give her away. When she inhaled it was as though she could taste him – he was so close, but she ignored the sensation as much as she could ignore something that seemed to be affecting every nerve in her body.

"I can't... Zero, I'm sorry... I realise what you meant just then when you said it was almost over... You can no longer exist as a human, the way you've been trying to for the last four years... You have to drink my blood and live on as a vampire. Even if you hate me for it, I know what the other option is and I can't let that happen."

Once she had finished speaking, she heard the bitter laugh again, this time right next to her ear. His mouth was so close to her neck – she tried to suppress a shiver.

"Sounds like... you aren't... going to give me a choice?"

"I'm sorry..."

She felt him move then, as he slowly brought his hand up to the side of her neck that his face was already so close to. He whispered through ragged breaths, "And here was I... beginning to think that you were such... an innocent..." She stayed still while she felt his fingers tickle her skin as he swept her long dark locks out of his way. "But... but..." Now she could feel his breath, warm on her neck and coming even faster than before.

Oh, did she ever imagine she would feel him so close? That she would feel his lips hovering above her skin like this? She pressed her mouth back into that tight line. Her throat was on fire. She briefly wondered if he realised what his proximity was doing to her and was drawing this torture out on purpose as some sort of punishment for what she had asked of him. But she wasn't sure that that was like him. Perhaps he was just trying to gather some sort of courage, though whether it was to stop or go on, she couldn't tell. She wished she knew what he was thinking, but that was only until all coherent thought flew out of her own mind when she felt his lips descend upon her neck and his tongue dash out to taste her skin. She had no time to regain her composure before she felt his fangs plunge roughly into her neck.

The pain was enough to make her gasp and as the air, which tasted of him, rushed into her lungs the burning sensation in her throat was renewed. She clamped her mouth shut again, though it did little to dispel the lingering taste, nor did it do anything about the smell.

Her eyes had begun to water a little. Of course he wouldn't be gentle. The fact that she was surprised showed how naive she had been. It wasn't that she could not handle the pain, only that she was not used to being bitten without a single ounce of restraint. He had plunged his fangs deeply into the flesh of her neck, tearing a little at the artery to release the blood. In his inexperience, he had let a fair amount of it spill and she felt it trickle down, staining the white of her dress.

But his vampire instincts were enough to tell him what to do and soon he was greedily sucking in her blood. Yuki felt her body calm slightly with the hypnotic sound of it. She noticed that his arms were around her waist, holding her close to him and a quiet part of her wondered if perhaps there was a chance that he wouldn't hate her for this. But she knew really that it had little to do with affection. The way he was holding her gave her the impression that he was clinging on to something far more than just a body. She realised that it was easy enough for her to tell him to be a vampire; being one was all she had ever known. But of course it wasn't something Zero could give in to so easily. He desperately wanted to keep himself from being swept away by the part of him he had just unleashed. And so he clung to her.

Yuki knew what it was that scared him so because she felt it herself. This action was hugely significant for the both of them. After this, nothing could ever really be the same for them again. The thought of it scared her too.

* * *

**Will end it there because I've already kept you waiting for this chapter long enough. Oh, this was fun to write! I hope you enjoyed it. Let me know what you think.**

_**(chapter title from fell down the stairs by tilly and the wall)**_


	17. Darling, I'm lost

_Darling, I'm lost_

Yellow light had been creeping slowly through a gap in Zero's curtains to illuminate the bed on which he slept for a while before it finally disturbed him. He woke slowly and reluctantly and with a feeling of surprise that he had fallen asleep at all. The night before, he had been sure that sleep would not come, but apparently it had chosen only to evade him while darkness remained. The clock on his bedside table told him he had slept through the whole day instead; the light that woke him had been the golden glow of sunset.

Even during the first seconds of consciousness the memory of events from the night before where impossible to ignore, though he would have liked very much to forget them entirely. So many things had happened in the space of one night, all of which he had wished he would never have to deal with. But from the instant he awoke, he could already feel the changes in him. He sat up and looked around at his room and it had been a long time since he had observed anything with such clarity. The thirst, which had been growing and growing to the point where madness was not far off had shrunk to something unnoticeable – after all this time, it had been satisfied.

He had never expected this to happen. He had known how his life was supposed to play out. The thirst was supposed to grow until his sanity had been lost entirely and then the other hunters were supposed to come for him. He had hoped that before it came to that he would have the chance for revenge, but last night he had been sure that that was no longer an option. Once the hunters had found out that he could no longer do his job properly, they would have come to finally kill him. But instead of the fate he had prepared himself for, he had been thrown a lifeline, one that he was not entirely sure how to use.

He did not want to think about her – what she'd done for him and the implications of it – but those thoughts were not something that could be pushed away so easily. He remembered how, afterwards, he had regained his senses to find himself tangled in a bloody embrace with a girl who was supposed to be his enemy. He had always thought he would choose death before choosing to feed on the life of another.

She had been sneaky, asking him at his weakest, pulling him so close, so that he could smell the blood running beneath her skin... He should have been furious at it – part of him was – but he knew that the only selfishness involved was derived from concern and a genuine desire to help him. He wondered could that even be called selfishness at all. There was something in him which stopped him from being truly angry at her.

He had not wanted to speak to her, though, because there was nothing she could do to take away the shame of it. The son of two high ranking vampire hunters reduced to this... what would his parents have thought? And Ichiru... would he have laughed? Zero buried his face in his hands. He must not think of that – not if he wished to keep a grip on the sanity that had been salvaged only the night before.

"Are you alright?" She had asked. He had been unable to answer. He had been far from alright; the thirst had receded but he was now able to view what he had done with a clear head. He had given in. The beast inside him had wanted it so much, it had taken over so that he barely even noticed as he crossed the line he had avoided for so long.

He had felt the blood inside him and he had not known whether to love the feeling or hate it. It was something so natural and satisfying to his vampire instincts, but rejected by his human mind.

And while he had struggled with these thoughts, she had watched him with such sad eyes, so he had asked her to leave. He had not known what to say to her, he just wanted to be alone.

Now he wondered, did he have to thank her? He was not sure if he had it in him if that was what she expected. He pictured her face with her wide, honest eyes that always gave her emotions away too easily; she wouldn't expect anything, he thought. But still he wondered what he could possibly say after something like that.

* * *

The Headmaster was already cooking when Zero left his room. He could hear him humming to himself from the kitchen, his mood clearly a far cry from Zero's – as always. Zero wasn't sure if he could face it now. After last night could he possibly act like nothing had changed? There was no way that the memory of it would leave him alone long enough to even try.

As he stood in the hallway outside his room, he knew that he did not want to have to face the older man's questions. He did not want to have to admit to what he had done. Why say it out loud when the truth was probably easy enough to guess anyway.

He made the quick decision to steer away from the cheerful humming of his guardian and head for the solitude of the outdoors instead. It seemed however that he had not been quick enough; he had barely reached for the door handle when he heard a call from behind him and approaching footsteps.

"Kiryu?"

Zero wondered if it was worth ignoring him, pretending he hadn't heard and making his exit while he still had the chance. But he hesitated too long. He heard the Headmaster speak from behind him, "I thought that was you... where are you going?"

Zero turned slightly, but didn't look Kaien in the eye, "Just outside."

But by that point he knew he was not going to get away and the Headmaster's words proved him right, "Hmm... well dinner's almost ready. Perhaps you should wait until after. I wanted to talk to you anyway."

Not even five minutes later Zero was sat at the dining room table, having grudgingly given in, listening to the Headmaster witter on about how he had thought it best to give Zero the day off school and did he sleep well? But though his conversation was bright and cheery as always it was punctuated with some slightly more serious and concerned looks that were starting to bug Zero.

"What is it?" he said finally. "I'm fine! You don't have to keep looking at me like that."

Kaien smiled, "That's true. You do seem a lot better than I expected. Yuki was very worried about you last night so she'll be glad to know you're feeling better now."

Zero didn't respond and before Kaien was given a chance to question him about what had happened, they were interrupted by a cry from another room. Both of them watched in surprise as Yuki ran into the room wearing a distressed expression.

The Headmaster got to his feet, "Yuki?" he asked with concern. Yuki peered up at him with those large dark eyes, her mouth set in a pout.

"There's a spider in the bathroom," she mumbled.

Now Zero watched disgustedly as the Headmaster's expression changed to match Yuki's and the two slowly turned to face him.

"Zero, do something!" the Headmaster whined and Yuki chimed in, "It's really big Zero. It's scary! Oh, but don't kill it! Please can you toss it out of a window for us?"

The expression she was wearing was a childish pout. It was meant to be silly and to make him smile and give in and if he had been any other person in any other circumstance it might have worked, but instead it only made him mad. It smashed through that strange quiet confusion he had been feeling since he woke and turned the debris into anger. He hadn't been sure how she would act when he saw her again, but he really had not been expecting this pretence.

There was no way that he was going to humour them while they both acted like everything was normal. Nor was he about wait around to talk to the Headmaster when he was so easily distracted by something stupid like that. Rather than answering either of them he simply stood and left, the way he had wanted to earlier.

He let himself out and headed straight for the balcony of the school building, where he always went to seek solitude. There he felt his anger lessen as he sat down against a wall and took in the peace of the academy in the dusky light. He could not do away with his anger completely, though. It had bothered him to see her acting like nothing out of the ordinary had happened the night before. Could she really have put it from her mind so quickly, while he could still feel the impact her blood was making on him; while he could still recall so vividly how she tasted?

He had had four years to get used to the way the smell of blood made his body react, but he had never before known what it was like to taste it. He had always been disgusted by this desire over which the only control he had had was to deny himself it completely. Now that he had finally given in, he could no longer ignore how good it had felt. And really, that was the root of the confusion he had felt all evening. He could not deny how he had enjoyed the feeling of letting go of all he had tried so hard to lock inside himself. He had understood what it was he was losing and hated himself for being so weak. He had mourned the humanity that was being snatched away from him, but none of it had been enough to make him stop. In the end, everything he had been running away from, her, his thirst for blood, had been his only source of comfort since all of this had began. For just that moment, she had been the one to take away his suffering.

_But I don't want to rely on her,_ he thought desperately, _I only want..._ But that thought was pointless; what was there that he could have? Revenge? Or death – to be released from this miserable life he led? Deep down, the thing he wished for always, was the impossible: for things to be the way they were before, when he had had a family and a future where he would actually belong. But that could never be, so instead, he knew what he would do. He would wait for the other two options – whichever of them came first.

"Why did she bother?" he murmured to himself.

"Zero?" Yuki's voice floated up from somewhere below and within a minute she had clambered up to join him on the balcony. When she looked over at him, she wore an expression he could not fully describe, it contained warmth, but also regret. She stood at the opposite side of the balcony from him, an ethereal being in the twilight, though her long hair and her pale, loose-fitting dress were dishevelled from her climb.

He frowned at her as she approached. "Please, I just want to be alone," he told her, but all she did was sit down beside him.

"I know. I'm sorry," she said quietly, "But I haven't had a chance to speak to you since last night. I wanted to know if you were okay."

"The urge to kill has subsided for now," he muttered dryly, "So I guess your plan worked."

"That's – uh, that's good," she replied. She had a sort of apologetic half smile on her face as she looked at him. "I was being silly before wasn't I?" The way she spoke was slightly sheepish but Zero sensed there was more to it than that. He was sure that her happy-go-lucky attitude was covering up for something else.

Looking away, he muttered, "It annoyed me. I don't want you to pretend like nothing happened last night. Not unless you really don't care about it... It's not like I've ever acted that way for your benefit before."

It was a moment before she responded and when she did, her voice sounded suddenly much smaller... and sadder, Zero thought. "You're right... There are times when you are such a mystery to me, but you're always so... unfailingly yourself. I don't know how to act like that. How can I, when everything I've ever been sure of is changing so suddenly? There are so many things I'm scared about now."

And right there her uncertainty was confirmed. She must have been just as concerned about the night before as he was, but he didn't like it. This only showed how much he had been relying on her to know what to do next. If she had at least been sure about her actions then maybe it could have given him a reason to accept all of this. Now he knew that it had only brought confusion to them both. What was there worth accepting in that?

"You shouldn't have done it," Zero whispered.

He felt her eyes on him finally and he turned to meet her sad gaze. "Please don't say something like that."

He gave a tired shake of his head. "You were the one who should have been sure. You were well aware that I was in no condition to refuse you, you used that fully to your advantage."

Her mask of cheerfulness that had been slowly cracking since their conversation began had fallen away entirely now, revealing her unhappiness. "I knew you wouldn't forgive me for that," she mumbled, "I think I was too hopeful though, it makes me sad anyway... Ah, no! I shouldn't say that!" she forced a smile, "As long as you're okay, I'm glad. I don't regret it."

Zero took in that forced smile, the sadness lurking beneath it and he sighed. "I'm not following you."

"Even if I am scared in some ways, I am glad I helped you. You have your doubts now, but something good has to come out of this, surely. Please don't worry so much, that's all," she said gently. "It's something I want to try hard with too. I _am_ scared of things that may happen, but I'm going to try not to be. Whatever happens in the future, I'll be able to handle it. So I just want to focus on knowing that if you're okay then I don't have to regret anything."

His weary eyes were locked with hers. "But I'm not worried." He would not ask aloud, but he wondered what she thought he had that was worth worrying about. "And I'm not okay."

If her expression changed, it was only because there was now some hint of determination in it. He felt her small soft hand brush against his, then clasp it tightly.

"You can be. I'll stay by your side and I'll make sure of it."

He had been alone for so long, but now that feeling of her hand holding his – the warmth he could feel from it, despite the chill of winter around them – and the way she looked at him seemed to promise something. That it did not have to be that way any longer.

Zero looked away.

"You look so sad, Zero," Yuki whispered. He could still feel her hand on his, he wanted to cling to it and pull away in equal measures. "I wish I could take away your sadness forever."

"Please, don't be so kind to me."

It was a relief when her hand pulled away from his, though his fingers moved on their own to close over her lingering warmth.

"I don't need you to answer me," she told him, "I'll be here anyway, whenever you need me."

* * *

**This took longer than it should have done, I'm sorry. I had to keep going back to it and tweaking a lot of things because I really want to lighten the story up a bit now. I don't know if I'll manage it. It's hard to believe that I originally wanted this story to be quite light-hearted and fluffy, but instead it turned really angsty. I think I got a bit carried away with it in some parts hehe.**

**Oh! And thank you so much for all the reviews on the last chapter! It made me really happy to see so many responses! Thank you, thank you!**

**Hope you liked this chapter too – please let me know what you thought.**

_**(chapter title from broadripple is burning by margot & the nuclear so and so's)**_


	18. We've gotta live the best we know how to

_We've got to live the best we know how to  
_

It was almost difficult for Yuki to stand by her decision not to regret anything as she watched Zero sitting so still. Light faded slowly around him and still he remained, head slumped in that way that made his hair fall over his eyes, shielding them. She had caused him to suffer again, some cruel part of her mind told her. But she had become determined not to listen to that part any longer. From now on, she wanted to be strong. She did not want to continue to show Zero the sadness she felt for him, but wanted instead to smile for him, so that in time he might learn to smile too. She only hoped that she possessed the strength she required to pull it off.

"We should speak about something else," Yuki said, breaking the long silence.

But Zero did not speak, or even move. She noticed how the hand she had been holding before was still resting at his side. His fingers were curled up, clutching at some sort of phantom of hers. She saw what he was doing; her hand was doing the same. Seeing it seemed like some kind of confirmation that everything was different now. Not that any confirmation was really required.

She got to her feet then asked, "Can we not just forget about it? Take this as a chance for a new start?"

"I don't think I could..."

"But you could try."

He looked up at her with those haunted eyes in which the answer lay: _perhaps, _they said_, but that is not who I am. You forget: there is no hope for me._

Yuki knew that the only thing she could do was refuse to believe it.

"It's okay to smile," she said quietly, "it's not pretending, like you think." She peered up into the night sky speaking almost to herself. "It's just sometimes that's the only way to take the pain." Her eyes drifted back to him. The boy with the heart shrouded in ice – something designed to keep out the ghosts, but which had only succeeding in trapping them inside. "I understand if it doesn't work that way for you. If you just weren't built that way... but I wish that you would try anyway."

She sat again then lay back on the stone floor, letting her hair and dress fan out around her. "It's cold," she murmured.

There was a long silence, during which she let her eyes close... and then Zero spoke, "You don't dress properly for the weather."

Yuki's eyes opened and she looked over at him. Small talk – really? She smiled, almost giggled. Yes he was right; she had run outside without her shoes, of all things. In a hurry and absent minded as always. "I never had much reason to worry about it before," she told him. "I was never outside for more than a few minutes at a time before I came here... and now look at me," she pressed her fingers against the cold stone floor that she was lying on, watched her foggy breath disappear into the air before her. "It's strange how everything changed so suddenly... I'm really grateful that I was able to come."

There was another silence, but this one shorter than the last. "You really like it here that much?"

She sat up now and turned so that she could see him properly. He was still in the same spot as before, but she had the definite sense now that he was trying, like she had asked. Even if, underneath his casually spoken questions, she could still see his unhappiness.

"Of course," she answered him. "It's beautiful here. As far as freedom goes, it's not much, but it's more than I'm used to. And I have friends here... I'm used to missing Kaname, but I've found it doesn't hurt so much while I'm here."

Kaname... she was so used to bringing him up casually that she was not ready for the surge of guilt that appeared with the thought of him now. Should she really be talking of being grateful to come to the academy when she felt sure that if Kaname had known what she would do here, if he had been able to predict any of last night, he would not have let her come? She knew that was the case. It would be naive of her to think anything otherwise. Instead of saying these things, shouldn't she be giving more thought to Kaname's feelings?

Zero's expression was betraying, if anything, only the barest hint of interest, but still he asked, "You chose to come here right? Why did you separate yourself from him if you were only going to miss him?"

Yuki wondered if he asked because he was curious or if he was just humouring her. "Do you really want to know?" she questioned.

"It doesn't really matter whether you tell me or not," he replied.

He was humouring her then, she decided. "Hmm that's what I thought. But since you asked, I don't mind telling you... It is strange though; I've never spoken aloud to someone about it before.

"Well, I suppose the reason I left is that while I was there all I've ever been is just some sort of extension of Kaname. I know that being a pureblood is supposed to make me important in some way, but I don't feel like that. And I don't think there's any reason for anyone to see me like that either. But I don't have to worry about it here. I feel I can be whatever I choose rather than whatever it is that people see me as or expect from me. I cannot do that if I am always living in Kaname's shadow. And this doesn't mean that I don't appreciate him, but I can't help but want to be more than his over-protected little sister."

Even as she explained herself, a gloomy feeling was settling itself over her. While it was true that she did not regret any part of her stay here, it could not be denied that things had hardly gone the way she had expected them to. She could never have predicted that she would end up feeling the way she did about Zero. And was that because she would have previously regarded such feelings as a betrayal of Kaname? It seemed likely. Now, however, she simply didn't know what to think and this confusion was getting to her a little bit more every time she let herself think about it.

"You look unhappy," Zero noted, to Yuki's surprise. "Does speaking about this upset you?"

"Not really..." she replied, but not wanting him to know the real reason she was upset, she added, "But I feel guilty for saying things like that about Kaname, when he has only ever looked after me. I probably sound like an ungrateful child."

She had expected Zero to stay quiet, but instead, he surprised her again by telling her, "I don't think you should have to apologise for something like that – for only wanting your freedom."

She stared at him, trying to figure out if he meant it, but the expression on his face had barely changed since the beginning of the conversation. "Really? I thought you of all people would think my wishes petty and selfish." She added sadly, "Compared to all you have suffered, my troubles are pretty pathetic."

Zero frowned slightly and questioned, "But you've had your share of suffering too, have you not? I remember you telling me that your parents died when you were still a child."

She remembered it too. He had looked at her with what seemed to be indifference as she spoke and said not a word afterwards, but his bringing it up now confirmed her suspicions that he had indeed taken note of it, in some small way. "Hmm yes, but I was so young; I don't really remember it that well."

"That doesn't make a difference, does it?" His eyes were meeting hers steadily now, something she certainly wasn't used to from him.

She shook her head, "No," she said softly, "I suppose it doesn't."

"My only point is that you have your reasons to be unhappy, but you've dealt with them better than I have. We're different people, so there's no need to make comparisons the way you are doing."

Yuki felt her lips curling involuntary into a smile. "I think... you're being too generous to me, Zero." What a strange idea... Just when she thought she had got to know him, he surprised her. "But thank you."

Zero said nothing in response and the look on his face was giving nothing away to her, but Yuki did not mind. She wondered; if it _was_ true then could Zero's words be applied to more than just the worries she had spoken aloud? Were her feelings and actions really so wrong? Or were they also something she should not have to apologise for? Though it was true that they were a betrayal of Kaname in some respects, perhaps she just should not have been placed in such a position where these acts could be considered a betrayal in the first place. Perhaps she should have been given more freedom than that.

But no; shouldn't she know better than to find convoluted ways of blaming her own actions on others? Though she deserved freedom it was silly and childish to use that as an excuse. What was done was done. If there were any consequences (and she felt that there would be) then she would try to be mature and deal with them however she could.

She had her worries, but she smiled anyway, because he had been kind to her in his way and for now that seemed like enough.

"It feels strange to have you listening to me like this... perhaps we should go back inside. You've probably had enough of humouring me for one night."

"Hmm... Only problem with that is, if I go back inside I'll just have listen to _someone else_ instead."

"He's only worried about you... I saw him last night, but I was only able to tell him that I _thought_ you were alright. I didn't think it a good idea to go into the details of what we did."

The night before, she had had to sneak into her room to change so that Kaien would not see the blood on her dress. The wound on her neck had healed already, but the red stain remained. She washed it from her skin right away but when she came to wash it from the fabric later in the night that stain refused to fully fade away. She had balled up the ruined dress at the back of her wardrobe, not sure what to do with it.

She could not say how convincing the story she had given the Headmaster had been but she had her suspicions that the truth would become obvious to him eventually anyway, and that lessened the guilt. She hoped that if he did figure it out, then he would understand.

Zero peered at her unhappily for a few seconds then looked away.

"Well, then let's go back."

* * *

This time when they walked together, he walked beside her. She didn't think she knew how to be alone with him really. Not when it was quiet like this. There was always something else there with them, hanging thick in the air. This time it was blood.

He never looked happy, but it was different than usual. Worse maybe, or perhaps even the opposite; how do you measure these things really?

She spoke to him, something mundane, so that it wasn't like he was ignoring her when he didn't say anything back.

Looking at him, she realised that something had happened to his anger. It seemed to have lapsed away as if he were just too tired to keep it up any more. It was a shocking thing to see, she had thought his anger a constant.

Anger was what drove him.

She didn't want him to be angry, but what was he without it? The word _scared_ came to mind and there was nothing in his manner that would dismiss it. Remember when his eyes were a mystery? She had wondered then how pale lavender could convey such violence. Now they were just bleak – everything about him seemed that way.

"Zero," she said, making sure her voice didn't tremble (she had not forgotten about being strong), "I won't let you down... Please don't be scared."

But when he turned to her, frowning, his look said that she was misunderstanding something. And that made sense somehow; she couldn't understand. Couldn't ask. Didn't expect an answer.

"Well it may be a silly thing to say," she mumbled, "But, I want to try. I want to do something."

"You don't have to do anything," Zero said dully. "Whatever it is you're worrying about now – don't. It doesn't matter."

_That's not true,_ Yuki thought, now frowning herself. They walked for a few seconds in silence, while Yuki tried in vain to come up with some sort of magic words that would make Zero understand and accept her point of view. Then Zero spoke again, quietly, "How did the two of us get to this point?"

The question seemed to hold a lot of weight and Yuki didn't have an answer. Instead another question was forming in her mind. Last night, before everything changed, Zero had as good as told her that he had stopped hating her. She wanted to know; what did Zero think of her now?

But before she could ask the question out loud Zero stopped walking. Yuki followed suit, giving him a questioning look.

"There's someone out here," he said.

She began to ask, "You mean a student or-"

Zero had turned and taken a step back the way they had just come so she turned too just in time to see a man step out from behind one of the trees.

"Took you long enough to notice me," the man grumbled. He looked over at them through one narrowed eye; the space where his other eye should have been was covered with a large eye patch. "So how is my old apprentice these days? It's been a while."

* * *

**Sorry once again for the wait for this chapter. My writing is feeling all over the place at the moment. Has been for a while now actually. But I'm getting to the point where it feels like it's this or nothing (and if you actually don't know what I'm talking about then I apologise for rambling like this. I've just been feeling a bit off lately). I want to keep telling you this story, however difficult it feels to make the words come. I'm going to keep trying to find some sort of spark that I think I've lost in the past year. I want writing this to feel like it did when I first started. I miss it. **

**I reached 100 reviews after the last chapter. Thank you all for that. It always makes me feel better to receive such kind messages.**

**I feeling rather sleepy at the moment, so reading back over this chapter I can't actually tell if what I've written makes sense. I hope it's okay -_-**

**(Chapter title from A Sea Shanty of Sorts by Margot & the Nuclear So and So's)**


	19. Here I am, waiting to hold you

**The first part in italics is a sort of flashback to when Zero was fourteen or so. Enjoy :)**

* * *

_Here I am, waiting to hold you._

"_Master?" The boy spoke without taking his eyes off the table. His voice was quiet and a little croaky sounding. It was the first word he'd said in days. "Why haven't you killed me?"_

_Yagari's eyes narrowed at his apprentice. "Why the hell should I do that?"_

_Zero's pale eyes flickered briefly upwards towards his master, but he found it impossible to look the man fully in the face. It had been maybe a year since they had seen each other last and everything had changed since then. His fingers found the place where he had been bitten that night. The pain of it had never properly healed._

"_The Headmaster took me to get this tattoo so that I wouldn't turn into a vampire, but it hasn't worked. I can tell what's happening to me... Everyone at school is scared of me. A boy fell and cut his hand last week and I thought it smelled good. People noticed me looking. They can tell there's something wrong with me."_

"_Is that why you tried to kill yourself?" Yagari asked. _

_He hated that he had to ask such a thing of the young boy. This should not have been happening. No child should have to wear and expression like the one Zero had on his face at that moment. But then, he was hardly like a child at all anymore. There was nothing left of the boy he used to be._

"_I wanted to make it all stop. I keep dreaming about that woman every night. I can't stand it."_

_Yagari didn't know what to say. He felt sorry for the kid, but sympathy had never been one of his strong suits._

_Zero continued, "You told me that vampires could never be our friends. Doesn't that make me your enemy?"_

_The older man eyed Zero warily. "That depends on you. Maybe one day you will be on my execution list, but it's only inevitable if you don't try to fight it."_

_Zero didn't answer; he just kept his eyes on the tabletop. Yagari wished it wasn't so, but he didn't look like a boy who had much worth fighting for._

"_Look Zero, I've been hunting long enough know what vampires are like and the way I see it is this: if that pureblood could see you now, she'd be laughing. I don't know why she ran off with Ichiru and left you the way she did, but whatever her reasons, she wanted you to suffer like this. At least if you fight against what she did, you aren't giving in to what she wanted."_

_There was a moment when both of them were silent, and then Zero asked, "Is she still out there somewhere?"_

_Yagari gave him a scrutinising look then answered, "I couldn't say. Probably; somewhere."_

"_I want to kill her."_

"_Then do it."_

_Zero looked up at his master finally and Yagari thought that there might have been a slight hint of determination in the way his mouth was set._

"_But let me tell you," Yagari continued, "You won't get far if you keep trying to run away from all your problems."_

_Zero considered this, his face grave. Then he uttered, "I'll get stronger then. And one day I'll find her and get revenge." _

_Then it won't matter what happens to me after that, the boy added silently._

* * *

"Master," Zero said quietly. "Hello..."

And that was all he said, because he was not surprised that Yagari had come – he had simply wondered _when_ he would show. Perhaps under different circumstances he would have been pleased to see his old master, but he knew why the older man had come. It was not a social visit; the hunter had come on business. And now the questions would come. What happened last night? The last thing Zero wanted to answer.

"You look well," the statement was almost accusatory. "Better than I expected anyway."

Zero didn't answer. He wished he was somewhere else. He could feel Yuki's presence next to him and Yagari's confusion over it was evident. Whatever was going on between Yuki and him wasn't something he wanted to explain. Especially when it was something he didn't really understand anyway.

"Well then alright, I'll just come out with it: since when did you start getting so friendly with vampires?"

"The Headmaster invited her here a while ago," Zero muttered.

Yuki was not sure what to do with herself. There was a tension between the two males that she hesitated to break, but she didn't like letting them talk about her without speaking up either.

"Sounds like something that idiot would do... I was on my way to see him since I hadn't expected you to be out like this."

Both Zero and Yuki were silent.

"Let's go then. I'd like to find someone who'll tell me what the hell is going on here."

Yagari turned and started to walk towards the Headmaster's private quarters and Zero walked too, behind him. But Yuki didn't want to trail along with them. She didn't like the way this man had glared at her and how Zero had turned even more cold and silent in his presence and how they both seemed to understand something that she remained ignorant to.

"Zero," she said quietly, staying put and hoping that he would not ignore her. But Zero turned back to look at her. His face had lost even more of its expression. "Who is that man? What is he doing here?"

"Name's Toga Yagari," Yagari called from ahead before Zero could respond. "And I'm here on an assignment for the hunter association."

The meaning behind his words was not lost on Yuki and she realised that part of her had understood since Zero had first greeted him, but had refused to accept it. She kept her eyes locked on Zero and he confirmed it for her, "He's my master – he taught me when I was a child. He's here because the association knows that something went wrong on my hunt last night."

* * *

"There's no reason for you to suspect Zero of anything, look at him. He's fine!"

"Yuki," Kaien said softly. "Calm down. There's no need to get upset about this."

Yuki looked over at Zero. He was slumped in an armchair and he almost looked like he was not even paying attention. He had not said a word since he entered the room.

Yagari was leaning against a wall near the door. He spoke up in response to Yuki's outburst, "I can see clearly as anyone that Zero isn't a Level E. What I want to know is why he was unable to complete his assignment last night."

But this was met with no response. Yuki, who had come straight to Zero's defence, knew that she was in no position to actually reveal what had happened last night. She didn't want to tell this man anyway.

Yagari was growing impatient. "Look Zero, Level E or not, all signs at the moment are pointing to you being unfit to hunt."

The room was silent and Zero still hadn't so much as looked up. "Maybe that's true," he said finally. He got to his feet. "Last night Yuki was the one to take those girls back... because one of them was bleeding so heavily that I couldn't be around her. It wasn't until they were gone that I calmed down. So yeah I probably am unfit to be a hunter. Do whatever you have to do about that. I don't care. Just end this discussion already."

Then without so much as glancing at any of them, he left the room.

Yuki watched in dismayed silence as the door closed behind him and she heard his footsteps heading towards his room. Then she turned to Yagari. "I don't know what it means for Zero if he can't be a hunter anymore, but I promise that I will not let you hurt him."

She stood, but felt Kaien place a hand on her wrist before she could take a step. "Don't follow him, Yuki. Let him be alone for a while."

"But what if he wanted-"

"Then he'll come to you."

"He wouldn't."

"Then perhaps you need to let him learn to do so."

Kaien gave her a gentle smile and Yuki realised that she had to do what she was told this time. "Sayori should be making her rounds by now; perhaps you could keep her company?"

Poor Yori. This was the second night in a row that Zero had left her alone to do her prefect rounds. And likely without a word of explanation. It was unfair, but what could be done given the situation?

Yuki nodded at Kaien. Yes she would go to Yori. She would let Zero be alone for now.

* * *

"So this is your doing?" Yagari grumbled after Yuki left.

Kaien looked up in what Yagari felt sure was feigned puzzlement. "I'm sorry?"

"Getting this little pureblood to run around after Zero like that... No one else could have orchestrated something so absurd."

Kaien smiled. "Don't be silly. Yuki is kind hearted; it was only natural that she would want to help Zero." Even as he attempted to brush off Yagari's accusation, the Headmaster was looking immensely proud of himself.

"And you don't think it was a little twisted to invite a pureblood to live with Zero after what happened to him?" Yagari was glaring disgustedly at the other man.

"Not at all; I want to put an end to that sort of prejudice. Besides, Zero isn't complaining – not anymore, anyway."

"Who do you think you're kidding?" Yagari snapped. "Twisted is the only word to describe you."

The Headmaster pouted a little then turned away, heading for his study. "Well, you don't see it now, but Yuki is exactly the sort of friend Zero needs. She wants to help him and she's strong enough that she won't give up until she has done."

Yagari gave no response. From the way the young vampire had just spoken to him, he didn't doubt her strength. It was her motives he was uncertain about. He followed Kaien into the other room, watching him the whole way through narrowed eyes.

Kaien sat down at his desk and suddenly his tone turned serious. "So what are you going to do now?"

Yagari also took a seat as he answered, "What can I do now other than watch him? I don't_ want_ to kill Zero and he's not a Level E yet so I don't have to. I'll watch him for the next few days and if nothing goes wrong, I'll tell the association that there's nothing to worry about for now as far as Zero's concerned."

Kaien smiled. "I'm glad that you still care for him like you used to... I just hope that nothing does go wrong."

"We all do," Yagari agreed gravely.

* * *

Yagari and the Headmaster had disappeared for the night, leaving Yuki alone. She had come back from her walk with Yori a few hours ago.

Yori's ignorance to the truth about Zero was both a burden and a relief, Yuki found. A burden because keeping a secret from a friend was always difficult, but it was a relief because with Yori it was always easier to discuss lighter topics. Besides, Yuki got the impression from Yori that she very much wanted to keep her nose out of Zero's business. It seemed that she already knew more about him than she wanted to. So Yuki had returned inside with her chest feeling not quite as heavy as before.

She had not seen Zero since she came back since he had remained in his room all evening. Apparently Yagari had spoken to him at some point though and she had been reassured that Zero was in no danger from the older man, so long as he showed no signs of falling to Level E. And that was not going to happen, Yuki was sure.

She sat in the kitchen now and waited for some water to boil so that she could make tea. She felt calm and was sure now that there had been a sort of wisdom in the Headmaster's advice not to follow Zero earlier. She found that there was some relief in not chasing after him for once, but waiting instead. She hoped that like Kaien had said, he would learn to come to her. That in some way, by accepting help and friendship from others, he could learn to forgive himself.

* * *

**I was listening to a rather beautiful mix online while I was typing the second half of this chapter and as I was writing the final paragraph the line that I used for the chapter title kept repeating over and over. I thought it was a rather lovely coincidence that it fit so well, so I used it for the chapter title though I don't know the song very well.**

**I finally found my inspiration for this story and I'm going back to university in a week. Great timing, right? I'm going to try scribbling down as much as I can next week and worry about typing it later. But maybe I'll have a few updates for you before I go anyway. I hope so. I think the next chapter will be more interesting than this one :) **

**I'm excited again!**

**Please review! I love hearing from you dears!**

**(Chapter title from Song to the Siren by Tim Buckley)**


	20. I want to lay here forever in the cold

_I want to lay here forever in the cold_

Yuki had worn a coat tonight. She sat with the hood pulled up over her head so that her breath misted out of her through a circle of white fluff. Her boots were laced up over woolly white tights. She felt quite comfortable and happy.

She sat alone on a bench in the school and had been there for maybe half an hour before Zero appeared. He stepped out from a path through the trees and watched her as she grinned at him. Then he did what she had hoped he would and walked over and sat on the bench next to her.

She smiled up at the clouds for a minute then turned to him, pushing down the hood of her coat as she did. "Look," she said. She took off her scarf and handed it to him. He took it in his hands, feeling its softness. "I made it."

He looked up at her. "You knit?" There was a hint of surprise in his tone.

"Not very well, to be honest, but you can't see the mistakes if you don't look too carefully. Put it on."

He returned her smile with a slightly puzzled look. "Why?"

"Don't you feel the cold?"

"Don't you?"

He was wearing his usual grey trench coat over his uniform and nothing else to protect him from the icy air, for once she felt quite bundled up in comparison to him. "I remembered my coat today. Look," she flicked the hood back up over her head, "A hood!" She had to turn her whole body around to be able to see him properly.

He peered at her, "You're pretty well hidden in there," he mumbled.

He put her scarf on. "You're always trying to look after me, aren't you?"

"I'm just thoughtful. Don't complain."

"Alright... Well I'm going inside. You coming?" He got to his feet and she jumped up after him.

"Yep! My fingers are frozen."

"Don't tell me you were waiting here just for me." He frowned at her, "Why?"

She simply shrugged, "Seemed like a good idea at the time, after Yori went back in, I mean. I always enjoy being outside, anyway."

"By all means, stay if you like."

"Huh? No, I'm coming."

They started to walk, side by side and Yuki said, "It seems like I hardly saw you yesterday. I hope you were okay."

Zero shrugged. "I was asleep for most of yesterday actually."

Yuki tried to look at him in pleased surprise, but her hood was in the way. She settled for saying, "Well that's good. I mean, assuming you slept well." She hoped that no nightmares had visited him.

"Yeah... for the first time in a while."

Yuki pulled her hood down so she could see his face, but there was nothing of what he might have been feeling in his expression.

"I'm glad," she said softly. "I hope it stays that way."

Zero just kept his gaze ahead of him and didn't respond.

Yuki brought up another thing that she had been wondering about. "And what about that man – your master? I heard that the two of you talked again."

"It's not much worth repeating," he said quietly. "He'll keep an eye on me and then if nothing happens he'll go."

"Well nothing _will_ happen."

Yuki looked back at Zero just in time to see his lips formed into what was almost a smirk. "And he told me you threatened him."

"I did not!" Yuki's cheeks heated up a little.

"That's what he said."

"Well it was hardly a threat!"

"He certainly didn't know what to make of you."

She raised her eyebrows. "So apparently I'm something of an oddity among vampires."

"I'd say so," he agreed.

One side of her mouth turned upwards, then the other.

"You seem better today."

He looked at her, finally, as they stopped before going inside.

"Do I?"

It had certainly seemed that way, but looking at him now she realised that the look in his eyes wasn't really much different from the night before. But it was so hard to tell with him.

"I-I thought so. _Are_ you any better?"

He shrugged slightly then turned away and went inside.

* * *

"Zero..."

She was lying on the sofa, with a blanket wrapped around her, while Zero sat on the chair opposite. Yuki had put her favourite album on to play softly for them both while they drank hot chocolate and tried to pretend that everything wasn't in quite such a mess . The Headmaster had gone to bed an hour or so ago and now their mugs sat empty on the table between them.

"I tried to talk to you about music once before, do you remember?"

He gave a slow, lazy nod of his head. "Feels like forever ago," he murmured. "You had just snuck into the school to play piano a few days earlier."

"I didn't sneak," Yuki huffed. "I had permission."

"Well what about it?" Zero asked, though he had an idea of what was coming next. The day was etched so clearly into his memory and he still didn't know what to think about it.

Yuki twisted around so that she could see him. "You said you didn't hear me play, but you lied, didn't you?"

He said nothing. "_Zero!_" She complained

He sighed and answered simply, "I did."

"Well why?"

Those eerie eyes of his peered into hers. "I didn't want to have to talk to you about it, I suppose."

Because he had hated her at the time... but now, things were different, right?

"And what did you hear?" she whispered.

The way he was looking at her gave her the impression that he was still very reluctant to answer her, but after a moment's silence, he did. "I didn't hear a lot... but I remember you were singing. You sounded like a little girl," Yuki made a face at that, but Zero ignored her. His eyes were no longer quite meeting hers and he went on in a murmur, "It was hard to think of you as a vampire when you were like that; playing as if you loved nothing else in the world quite so much."

His honesty made her blush slightly. She turned away and pulled her blanket more tightly around her as her lips curved into a small smile. "I do love it," was her quiet response. "But I haven't played in so long... before I came here that would have been unthinkable." The corners of her mouth started to droop a little. She had found a new way out of her loneliness now and the thing that had saved her for so long was becoming so easily forgotten.

"I'd like to play for you properly at some point," she told him.

There was a moment of silence between them, interrupted only by the soft melody in the background. And then Zero, his voice not much more than a whisper, said, "Then you should do it now."

Yuki finally felt able to look back at him, with amusement shining in her eyes and her smile. "That would be lovely," she said, "except that we don't have a piano and the one in the school is locked up."

"I can get us in."

Yuki raised her eyebrows, half disbelieving. "Really?"

"I know where to find the keys to the building."

Yuki sat up and studied the boy sitting across from her. He appeared to be serious, though it was difficult to tell. "Wouldn't we get in trouble?"

"Probably, if anyone found out," but Zero did not seem very perturbed about the idea.

Yuki pictured the two of them sneaking out into the night... her playing piano secretly by moonlight. Of course they might get caught...

"But we'd be sneaky..." She grinned.

"If you think you could manage it."

The very idea of it seemed terribly exciting to her. She would never have even considered doing something like this on her own. But with Zero with her...

"Okay," her eyes were bright, "let's do it!"

* * *

It was not long before Yuki had donned her coat once more and Zero had retrieved a set of emergency keys that the Headmaster kept in the house.

For a second while lacing up her boots, she had wondered if as soon as she was ready, Zero would finally turn and say, "_Idiot, you thought I meant it_?" or something along those lines. But no, they had met, as agreed, by the front door; Zero with keys in hand and Yuki with a nervous grin. Then they ran out towards the school. Or rather Yuki ran and giggled and called to Zero to hurry and keep up with her. When finally they reached the school building and Zero let them in, Yuki stepped into the dark, silent halls feeling very aware of all of the school rules Zero was breaking for this. But she wanted to do it and if there was any way that it could bring her somehow closer to Zero, then she wanted it badly.

They found their way to the music room and Yuki's nervousness suddenly doubled as she wandered over to the piano. She watched Zero stride over to a chair at the far side of the room and sit down. She sat too. Their eyes met. Aside from the sudden sickly thumping of her heart, there was such a silence and stillness in the air around them. So much so that she could feel it beyond the room they sat in and she knew that when she played the first note he would be the only one to hear it. He was waiting... She tore her eyes away from his and the first piercing note filled the dark room. Calm washed suddenly over her. She played for him.

He did not take his eyes off of her face for a second while she played. He thought about the difference between this night and the last time he had watched her in this very room. She had been a stranger then. A vampire behaving like no vampire he had ever seen, but a vampire none the less. An enemy in his eyes, no matter what disguise she so carefully weaved for herself. How he had hated her invasion into his life here, her disruption of the slow death that had begun for him so many years earlier. She had taken everything he had known and replaced it with uncertainty. And herself, she had surely given him that too. There was always a promise in her wide eyes, and in the warmth he could feel from the palm of her hand, that she would provide that stability he needed, if only he would trust her. He didn't know if he could.

But that look on her face as she played for him now... he wished that some of that calm would flow into him and quiet the panic inside him that he had been trying so hard to suppress all day.

The music had started soft and then grown to fill the room with its beauty, but it sounded distant to Zero's ears. And yet, her face seemed the most immediate thing to him. He didn't know what that meant.

And then the music stopped. Yuki's head rose slowly, then her eyes found him. A small hesitant smile formed on her lips and she said quietly, "I hope that was okay. That was one of my favourites."

He looked away from her finally. It was a moment before he was able to murmur, "You're very talented."

She mumbled, "Thank you," feeling slightly embarrassed as she realised that she had expected more of a reaction from Zero. But his expression and manner of speaking were the same as ever. Of course it was foolish to expect anything else from him.

But perhaps he heard the disappointment in her voice, because he persisted with, "No, I mean it. You play beautifully. It's only that I..." he stopped short of what he had been about to say then shook his head, "Never mind..." and then, quickly, he changed the subject, "Do you write any of the music you play?"

Yuki felt sure that he had only asked to distract her from what he had been about to say, but she answered him anyway, quietly and uncertainly, "I tried once." The memory of the time she had tried composing something of her own made her feel uncomfortable. In fact she was sure that she had never quite been the same since that time. "I wanted to write something personal as a sort of gift for Kaname... but I hadn't even halfway finished it before I realised that I could never actually play it for him." She did not look at Zero as she spoke. She always felt uncomfortable when mentioning Kaname in front of him.

"Why was that?"

"It... It was never really meant for him, I suppose. I think I had written it for myself all along... I've never played it for anyone else before."

"Before...?"

She looked at him again, meeting his eyes once more. "I would play it for you." Her voice was almost a whisper. "Isn't that funny?"

He agreed; it was, in a way, but he did not have it in him to laugh. "Why?" he asked.

It took her a moment to answer, "I don't want to hide from you."

Zero was not sure he liked her saying that. In fact, this whole situation was feeling slightly dangerous to him. His instinct was to lash out with something, anything that would keep her at a distance, but he found himself, instead, forcing something that was quite the opposite out of his mouth. "Then play it now," he said, if only because he knew that, though she was feeling shy, it was what she wanted him to say.

She looked at him uncertainly for a few more seconds then nodded and turned back to the piano. She took a minute to call to mind the notes she was about to play, then her fingers moved over the keys and those first subdued notes filled the room.

Zero noticed right away that it wasn't the same this time. He could see the slight furrow of her brow and the uncertain line her lips had formed into. Yuki could feel Zero watching her now, more so than before and she knew that she was taking a risk by playing this because this time, whatever his reaction was, it mattered to her.

The song went on, slow and sad, and it became apparent to Zero that she was telling him a story, about everything she had never been able to tell anyone. About loneliness. And endless longing.

Perhaps it was no more melancholy than some of the other things she played, but there was so much of herself in this and that was clear in every note. Oh, if he didn't understand... if he responded to this with that indifferent look she had seen so often... she did not know what she would do. She found herself looking up at him and her fingers clumsily hit the wrong note then stopped moving altogether. Zero blinked and his face changed, but in the brief moment before that, she had seen his expression and knew she could play no more tonight. Of course it was likely that her music had nothing to do with it, but while she had been playing, the look on Zero's face had been intensely sad.

She stood and stepped away from the piano.

"Why did you stop?" Zero asked, now looking only ever so slightly confused

"I can't play anymore." She walked over towards Zero then sat down next to him. She pulled her feet up onto the chair and wrapped her arms around her knees. She did not look at Zero, but she asked him, "Why did you look so sad just then? What were you thinking?"

But she was not surprised when he dodged her question, saying, "I think I understand why you felt you could never play that for your brother."

"It's stupid," she muttered. She was suddenly angry at herself for playing it for him in the first place. "It's self indulgent."

"Don't say that..."

"I shouldn't have played it for you," she insisted. "It must look like I'm trying so hard to show I can understand you or something. But I know I'll never really understand what you're going through... and that's not the point. All this time I've been trying to get you to like me, but I know that if I only show you the good things then it's pointless. I need you to see this side of me too."

Yuki looked up and blushed as she realised that Zero was surprised by this outburst. If he had not already thought she was strange, then this had surely done it.

"You're just thinking too much," he told her. "Play sad songs if you want. I'm just surprised because it's so different from how you've acted in the past."

She sighed, "I know it is."

"No one is ever exactly what they appear to be..." he said quietly and Yuki agreed.

"You're right about me thinking too much. I worry a lot, it seems, and I let silly thoughts get the better of me."

"Your song was beautiful," he said, quieter still, so that if the world around them had not been silent, she might not have heard him.

"Thank you," she said, after a moment.

He noticed her hesitation. "What is it now?"

"You're being so nice to me all of a sudden. It's strange."

"I guess it is..."

"Please don't stop."

He responded only by giving her one of those looks she could never hope to understand and then asking if she wanted to leave.

She nodded. "But perhaps we could come back again another time..."

"If you like."

They headed back towards the exit in silence.

* * *

They left the dark, silent halls and stepped out to a world frosted over with glistening white.

"It's snowing!" Yuki exclaimed in surprise and absolute delight. There was already a thin layer covering the ground and more fell from the sky in fat, fluffy flakes. Yuki had never seen such a bright night. "It's so pretty," she breathed.

Zero said nothing. He only turned to lock the door behind them then started back the way they had come earlier. Yuki was unable to take her eyes from the snowflakes as they filled the darkness above and landed over and around her. "Can we not stay out for a little while?"

"We'll be seen," he answered, but he stopped anyway, watching the look of fascination on Yuki's face.

"Is it always like this in the winter?"

"Usually..."

"I've lived my whole life in the mountains. We get a lot of snow every year, but I've never seen it before... I was always told 'one day...' but I was beginning to think it would never happen." She turned to Zero, "I just want to stay a few minutes more."

Zero nodded and waited.

"I'm going to make a snow angel!" she exclaimed, promptly laying down on the frosted ground and beginning to move her arms and legs about in the way she'd seen in films. She could see Zero looking down at her from where she lay, one eyebrow raised at her.

"Don't you need a bit more snow than that?"

She stopped moving. "Probably, but how do I know if I'll get to see more than this?"

"You can't really know, I suppose."

"Maybe I should just wait and see..." she lay in silence for a few seconds then said softly, "I feel so lucky to be here... after all this time, it finally happened."

She heard Zero move and looked over to see him sit down beside her. He did not say a word.

"This moment is beautiful," she murmured. "I could stay here forever... do you know what I mean? It's as though, yes, we have things that scare us, but right now they don't seem to matter so much." She watched the snow continue to fall down towards her, but still Zero was silent. "Do you understand?" she whispered.

For a moment she thought she would, again, get no answer, but then she felt his hand encase her slightly wet, gloved one and she realised that he was pulling her up with him as he got to his feet.

"Maybe," he answered her finally as he absently brushed away some of the snow that had fallen onto her coat. "But it's late – and we can't stay here forever, however much you might like to."

Then he let go of her hand, turned from her and headed indoors.

She followed, feeling that he was right, but perhaps forever was not necessary.

* * *

**Sorry about the wait everyone. I hope you enjoyed the chapter anyway.**

**(chapter title from Goodbye England (covered in snow) by Laura Marling)**


	21. Lie to me, say it's going to be alright

_And lie to me, and say it's going to be alright_

A good few days had passed since the hunter, Yagari, had arrived at Cross Academy and he showed no signs that he might be leaving any time soon. There had been no incident involving Zero which he could object to, but though Yuki was sure that there was no longer any immediate threat of him falling to Level E, the boy was hardly the pinnacle of good health either. True, he by no means looked _worse_ than he had before taking her blood, but there was something not quite right... At meal times he still ate little and she knew he did not sleep as much as he should (unless Yuki counted the frequent naps during lessons which she had heard Kaien bring up once or twice).

She had more opportunity to watch him now because for some reason he had spent more time with her these last few days than ever before. He said little to her, but also seemed to be less easily irritated. Yuki felt that surely, if he was finally accepting her friendship, it could only be a good thing. And yet, from time to time, she caught a look in his eyes that worried her, though she could never quite understand what it was.

She wondered if any of these things might be the reason for Yagari's continued presence at the school, but it was not until the hunter spoke to her himself, that she was able to figure it out. She had nothing to do with him usually; she did not really see him that often. But when walking alone in the school grounds one evening, he was there, smoking a cigarette, much the same as the first night she had seen him. She meant to walk past without a word, but instead he spoke to her.

"Not chasing after my apprentice tonight?" he called out, in a not entirely kind manner, "Makes a change."

Yuki stopped and looked at the hunter, but she did not know what to say in response to his remark. She could not believe that he was merely making conversation. Why speak at all, if that was all he had to say?

"What... do you want?" she asked finally.

He tossed the remains of his cigarette to the slush covered ground then scrutinised her. He answered her simply, with a question of his own, "What is going on between you and Zero?"

It was a question she had expected, but one she did not entirely know the answer to. Yuki stared straight into the older man's single eye, with a determination not to show him any weakness. "Zero and I are friends - that's all," she told him, feeling that in the last few days that, at least, had come to be true.

"I'm not going to believe that for a second. I want to know what you're really up to."

Yuki frowned up at him. "I know that this really isn't normal. But it's true and there really isn't anything you need to worry about. I care about Zero."

There was a disgusted look on Yagari's face. "I don't believe it," he repeated. "Zero can't possibly have fallen for this crap."

Yuki was beginning to feel annoyed. Though she wanted to keep her cool, she could not help but exclaim, "What is it with you hunters and your prejudices?"

"Prejudices?" Now the hunter was really starting to look angry. "I've been a hunter longer than you've been alive, I'd bet. I've seen what your kind are capable of. I haven't a single reason to trust you with Zero."

"You're wrong." She glared up at the older man. It was only the strength of her feeling for Zero that allowed her to act so boldly. Yagari was really quite intimidating.

"Do you know the reason I last came to this school?" he asked. "Have you heard that story?" The question took Yuki by surprise. She gave him an uncertain look, and then shook her head slightly. "The last time I came to this school was because Zero had tried to end his life over something one of your kind did to him. He might have even succeeded if he'd still been human, but then, if he had, there would have been no reason for him to try."

Her voice, which she had tried to keep distant and unconcerned before, now came out quiet and slightly shaky, "I – I was told that a few months ago Zero had tried to kill himself, but... this isn't the same incident that you're referring to, is it?"

She had tried to keep her gaze steady but she was not able to hide her fear of what he would say next. He did not try to make it easier for her. "He was fourteen at the time. I got a call from Cross saying that something terrible had happened," a sadder note now entered the hunter's voice, "Turns out he'd found Zero in the kitchen in a pool of his own blood. There was a knife on the floor next to him – you put together what had happened."

Yuki could hold the hunter's gaze no longer. She found that she could no longer feel shock at each terrible thing revealed about Zero, it was almost as if her heart had known it all along, but still it hurt to hear it. It hurt so, so much. It took all she had not to react in the way she had to the similar story Yori had once told her. She knew that she could not break down here, in front of this man.

"No one ever... mentioned..." her soft voice forced out the words while she looked down at the patches of snow on the grass.

"Well," Yagari muttered, "Perhaps I shouldn't have said anything myself, but you understand my concern, don't you?"

The question should have infuriated her – to suggest that she was anything like that evil woman who had hurt Zero! But now it had no effect. Her thoughts lingered on Yagari's revelation. Her answer sounded less forceful than she would have liked it to, "If you're asking me to stay away from Zero – I can't. But I promise you I won't hurt him." She raised her eyes once more to show that she meant it, but Yagari only frowned in response. She turned away again and continued, "If you want to know what's going on between Zero and me then ask him. You've heard my answer, but the whole time I've known him, I've never once been able to tell what goes on in his head."

The hunter grumbled, "Of course I tried asking him first. Damn kid won't say a word about it. But I can figure out my apprentice if I need to. It's you I don't trust."

Yuki's eyebrows knitted together in a frown as he repeated his mistrust of her. It angered her that after finally feeling that she'd proved herself in some way to Zero, she now had to listen to this man. "That doesn't matter to me," she said in a low voice. "I don't care if you don't trust me. Only Zero... only Zero matters to me now."

Nearly immediately she wished she had not said it, but instead managed to keep her cool. She might as well have screamed at him that she loved his apprentice, for surely that was what he must have heard.

"I see..." he responded. She did not dare look up to see his expression. "If Zero is drawn into this then he's a fool... However this ends, it won't be pretty."

He left without another word and Yuki finally raised her head to watch him walk away, then she turned and ran back inside, straight to her bedroom.

_I will not cry, _shetold herself, _I will not cry. Iwillnotcry..._ Why did things have to happen this way? Could she not move forward without the past reaching out to snatch her back?

She made her way over to her bed and sat down, trying to hold on to her conviction only to look towards what could be, rather than what could never be changed... the past... why did it affect her so? She knew already of Zero's suffering, so nothing really had changed since before Yagari had spoken to her, but it was still another blow to her aching heart. She did not want to know that Zero had hurt himself like that in the past, nor did she want the proof that Zero truly had wanted to end his life on more than one occasion.

And then there was how Yagari had spoken to her in an accusatory tone as if she were as much to blame as Shizuka Hio herself. She wondered if it was possible that she could become such a monster herself.

"_However this ends, it won't be pretty."_ The words repeated in her mind. Where they true?

The feelings she had for Zero were something she had tried hard not to think about in these last few days, if only because of how futile it was to hope that they would ever be returned. When she was with him, she did her best to act the same way she always had done in the past. But her talk with Yagari had brought those feelings to the surface. She could not help but now try to examine them.

She felt sure that she had Zero's friendship, if only in some small form. It was all she had wanted from him since the beginning. But now, why did she feel so sad, thinking of Yagari's words? She had never been entirely sure how, but this boy had generated in her such affection and admiration. These things alone seemed fine and innocent enough, but there was also something irrational about it all; it had all been so completely out of her control from the very start. This was where the problem began. Then there was the absolute _desire_ she felt for him, which was what she was really trying to hold back. With the realisation that she loved him, also came the knowledge that she wanted him to be hers. It seemed a dangerous feeling. Even as she thought of him now, she felt her throat burn, her fangs ache. She had not tasted real, fresh blood in months and she wanted Zero's more than she had ever thought it possible to withstand. It was so difficult to know that she planned never to give in to that desire.

To feel this way and feel certain that it was love – did that mean that in some way she really was the monster she had tried so hard to prove herself not to be? Such a violent desire... and strange how she had never thought of it that way before; the way Zero would see it. The way she knew he saw himself.

It seemed likely that this was the reason Yagari was staying so long at the academy. He was clearly concerned about her relationship with Zero and worried about where it might lead. She wondered what he would say to Zero about her, if he would convince him to stay away from her.

She sat huddled up in her bed for a long time, worrying about it and wanting very much to find the hunter and tell him to stay out of her and Zero's business. But she could not quite muster up the nerve to do so and instead she stayed in her room thinking over and over the same things. She imagined scenarios where she would try to explain herself to Zero and he would either accept or reject her. The worst seemed to be when she imagined him telling her that it did not matter what his master said. That he trusted her. Things he would never say.

It was as she was scolding herself for letting her imagination get carried away that she heard a knock on the door and she knew it was Zero. Her heart started to pound in her chest. What was he doing here?

"Z-Zero?" Awkwardly, she stood and called out, "Come in." She was feeling annoyed at herself for reacting this way. Her heart was beating so fast and all he had done was knock on her door. There was a moment's hesitation then the door opened and his pale head appeared from behind it. Those eyes found hers. A moment passed in silence then, "Zero... what is it?"

His eyes turned downwards. "Sorry... it's nothing." He was already turning to go, but Yuki was over in a flash, her fingers lightly clasped around his wrist, stopping him from leaving.

"You wouldn't come here for nothing."

Without turning back to her, he quietly said, "I only wondered why you were in here alone... I thought it was odd, that's all. It's really nothing."

Yuki let go of Zero's arm and stared at him without knowing what to say. It hardly seemed plausible that he had sought her out, simply because, for once, she had not come to him.

"If there's nothing wrong then... I'll go."

"No!"

She blushed as she realised how quickly she'd spoken. He turned back around to face her. "Don't go..."

He stayed where he was. Yuki gave him an uncertain smile. "Please, come in."

He hesitated – considered turning and leaving, but decided against it. He took a step into her room and, because she had been expecting him to leave, she felt her heart rate increase once more. She stared up at him, trying to figure out why had come to her, but there was no answer in his face. His expression was the same as always. He was so beautiful. Even that sadness, which he had been unable to completely hide for a long time now, did nothing to diminish that dark sort of beauty. In fact, she felt sure it added to it, though that thought gave her no pleasure.

She felt her cheeks flush as she remembered the thoughts he had interrupted with his knock on the door. How she had pictured those lips forming words he would never willingly say. What would he think of that? She wondered if he knew just how much he dominated her thoughts. It would have scared even her a little bit, except that she felt instead a certain sort of thrill at knowing how she loved him. Though she had put her feelings from her mind these last few days, now that she had let her thoughts dwell upon them, she found them difficult to ignore. Hence the heart-pounding, the difficulty taking her eyes off his (and she was fairly certain those were butterflies making her stomach feel so odd). His seeking her out, ostensibly for no real reason, only added fuel to it all. For so long, she had been convinced that he only tolerated her company, now (and she was vaguely aware that this was a dangerous thought) she was wondering if it might actually be possible that he enjoyed it.

She tore her eyes away from his, her face hot. She searched her mind for something relevant to say and came up only with, "I was going to come and find you earlier, but... something came up first." Zero didn't reply and Yuki found the silence uncomfortable. She looked back up at him, unable to help herself. A question popped into her mind and she asked it without thinking. "That hunter... did he speak to you just before?"

Zero had been looking absently at a stack of books on Yuki's desk that Yori had borrowed for her from the school library. Now he looked back at her questioningly. "...No."

It was only then that she realised her question must have seemed a bit out of the blue to Zero. "Oh, I thought he might have done," she mumbled, feeling like an idiot.

"Why is that?" he was still giving her that look.

"Uh, it's nothing really."

He was silent for a short while, and then he asked, "Did he speak to you?"

He was frowning now and Yuki wished she had not said anything. She didn't want to bring up what Yagari had told her, but now, she didn't see how she could lie or brush it off either. She could feel her excitement dying away now and being replaced again with sadness as she thought of the hunter's revelation. It was a rather unsettling feeling to slip so quickly from one extreme to another, as if there were too many things going on at once for her mind to properly deal with them. Any more of this and she felt certain she would go into a panic.

But now Zero was still looking at her and waiting for a response, so she mumbled, "Yes, he did ask me about you..."

He was frowning now, annoyed and not bothering to hide it properly. "He shouldn't have spoken to you," he said quietly. She wondered if it was that he felt as Yuki did – that their relationship was none of Yagari's business – or if it was that he didn't want _her_ having anything to do with his childhood teacher.

Yuki wasn't sure how to respond, but she found herself murmuring, "I know." After a moment she added, "It's not like I even know enough to be able to properly answer his questions. I haven't a clue what you're thinking most of the time."

He gave her a sharp look and asked, "So then what did he say that has upset you so much."

The unexpected question startled her and her eyes widened as she peered up at him. She realised that of course he would figure out how she was feeling. Even without her inability to hide her emotions, there had been enough clues, starting with how she had not continued her search for him straight afterwards.

"I – I really shouldn't say," she told him.

"Why not?"

The way he was glaring at her made her sure that he was not going to back down. But just couldn't tell him! She could not make herself repeat Yagari's words.

"Because even thinking about it right now," she told him, "I'm trying my hardest not to cry. You can see that can't you? I know you can, because otherwise you wouldn't have asked about it in the first place. And I know you wouldn't want that. I know it only annoys you to see me like this. You don't want me to know these things and you especially don't want to talk about them with me!"

He continued to glare at her for another moment then something in his eyes changed and the strangest expression appeared on his face. His eyebrows drew together and his eyes became vulnerable in a way she had never seen before, filled with grief and slight shock, but otherwise indecipherable. "Was it – d-did he tell you... about Ichiru?" He spoke the name so quietly, so hesitantly, that she almost did not catch it, but she felt the importance behind it, though she had no idea who he was talking about.

Now she was frowning, confused and worried because that expression, that slight tremble in his voice – that just wasn't the Zero she knew.

As soon as he took in the look on her face his eyes widened ever so slightly as he seemed to realise that he'd made a mistake.

"Who is Ichi-"

"It doesn't matter," he snapped. His eyes had become hard again. She stared up at him in concern, slightly wounded by his harsh tone. The lie would not have fooled anyone; she had the distinct impression that there was not much that could have mattered more. But that was precisely the reason she was sure that she would not get another word on the subject out of him.

She continued to watch him, uncomfortably, wanting to understand what he'd just let slip, but knowing he would become angry with her if she asked. He had turned away from her now and he asked again, "What did he tell you?"

This revelation that there was something else – something terribly important – that she did not know about Zero had weakened her resolve somewhat. She could also tell from the tone of his voice that he was no longer in any mood to put up with her refusal to answer him. She spoke softly, "He mentioned something that you did – that you tried to do - a few years ago..."

He was frowning again, but he spoke quietly, "He told you about... about the last time he came here?"

He turned back to look at her and she nodded.

"Why the hell would he do that?"

"To make a point, I suppose," she mumbled unhappily. "About me being no different from her – from the one who made you want to die that day."

His head lowered so that she could no longer see his eyes, but she saw his fists clench at his sides.

"Zero..." she whispered.

"I should go," he responded quickly, not looking at her, but instead turning towards the door.

"No, please..." But this time he did not listen. He left without another word.

Moving slowly, Yuki went and sat back down on her bed.

_I will not cry. I will not cry..._

* * *

Zero was dreaming, which was not a good thing, as his dreams were never pleasant.

He couldn't move. He knew that he was surrounded by blood. He could smell it, could feel it soaking his clothes, but he could not move a muscle to get away from it.

That woman was still in the room. She was supposed to have left by now, but he could still feel that deathly presence. He wanted to kill her, but he was not able to. He had no strength. He was weak.

Why was she still there, taunting him? _Why?_

Now there were footsteps, coming towards him, that sickening pureblood presence becoming more overwhelming with every step.

A shadow fell over him.

"Zero..." Yuki's voice whispered.

He woke up.

His heart was beating fast. He stared into the darkness of his bedroom and listened. She was moving around. Her footsteps were soft, but he could hear them heading towards her own room.

It was as though he could not escape from her. She was even in his nightmares now. He could not get away but... he was starting to wonder if he even wanted to.

Why had he sought her out before?

There was definitely still a part of him that felt disgusted by his actions. He wondered what had happened to the strength he had built up over the years. Where had it gone? Even that child from four years ago had not been as weak as this.

Even now, as he lay in his bed, he could feel his aloneness pressing in on him from all around. When he was alone he could not distract himself from the utter bleakness of his situation. The thought of his life having been saved by her was laughable almost. No, she had not saved him. He could see the existence which lay before him now only as something to be suffered through.

He sat up, pressed his face into his hands and wished he knew what to do.

He could no longer remember how to get by in solitude, with only the thought of revenge to drive him. And in the days when he had lived like that, he could never have understood how easy it was to go to her and let her whisper words of hope in his ear.

And she was so full of hope! Though he had none, he could not make himself stop wanting to see hers brimming over in her smile. Even when her eyes were sad, she would still put that warm hand over his in a way that somehow always seemed like enough.

He hated himself for feeling this way. He hated her, for how he had suddenly become so dependent on such stupid little things that she did.

He had thought she was Shizuka Hio in that dream and even as he felt sick with the thought of it, he could feel part of himself wanting to go to her even now. She was the only one who could distract him, though he wished it wasn't so. It felt like a disgusting betrayal of his parents.

But... how tempting to know that he would not think of such things if she was around, if he could see her warm smile. What a pitiful hunter he was, to know that he could find comfort in the smile of a pureblood.

He would not go to her. He would go back to sleep.

_Just don't think of her._

_Go back to sleep._

_Just..._

_Sleep._

* * *

**How did this chapter end up being longer than the last one? I started out with not much idea of where it was going to go, and then got carried away, hehe! The talk between Yuki and Zero was not supposed to have ended on such a negative note either, but it seems I just can't help myself!**

**I want to get to work on the next chapter, but I should really do some uni work... maybe I'll just write for a little while... **

**Please let me know what you thought. And thank you so much for your beautiful reviews!**

**(Chapter title from If Winter Ends by Bright Eyes)**


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